Butt Puns
- I tried to become a butt model, but I didn’t have the rear qualifications.
- My friend got mad when I told him his butt looked big. I guess I hit a sore bottom.
- Did you hear about the new restaurant called Cheeks? It specializes in chicken butt.
- I wanted to get my butt pierced, but the piercer said my rear wasn’t ideal.
- The plumber asked if I wanted a fancy toilet. I told him I’m more of a bottom basics kind of guy.
- My wife asked me if I wanted to watch the moon. I said, “Yeah, I’m always down for a little moon-gazing.”
- The tailor asked if I wanted pleats in my pants. I said, “No thanks, pleats don’t flatter my bottom.”
- I entered my dog in a butt-wiggling contest. He took home the top wiggly bum prize.
- I was thinking of taking up competitive mooning. My wife told me I don’t have the necessary technique to be a top mooner.
- Did you hear Snoop Dogg opened a new restaurant called Bootylicious BBQ? It specializes in smoked pork butt.
Butt One-Liners
- My butt’s so big, it has its own congressman.
- I did 100 squats a day for a month trying to get a better butt. Now I just have a pain in the ass.
- My butt is so flat whenever I wear jeans I’m technically planking.
- I like big butts and I cannot lie, all you other brothers can’t deny.
- Woke up this morning and my butt cheeks were sore. Must’ve clinched them in my sleep.
- Tried to take a cute butt selfie but just ended up with plumber’s crack.
- I’d get my butt botoxed, but my wallet says I lack the necessary funds.
- My booty so flat, when I back up I beep.
- Wish my butt was as sculpted as Michelangelo’s David.
- Does this butt make my jeans look baggy?
Best Butt Jokes
21. My friend recently got a butt lift surgery. Now she literally can’t sit down! She’s still standing from the operation last week. I told her she’s gotta learn to take that new booty in strides.
22. So I was at yoga class, just minding my business and doing my downward dog pose. When all of a sudden the woman behind me goes “OMG is that a birthmark above your butt crack? It kind of looks like Florida!” Now every time we’re in class together, she points at my butt and quietly whispers to her friend “It’s Florida.”
23. I was looking at old photos with my mom and noticed she had a really flat butt when she was younger. So I asked her, “Hey mom, what happened to your flat booty? No offense!” She casually replied, “Oh nothing happened to it. It’s in your jeans.”
24. My girlfriend tripped and fell down the stairs at our apartment yesterday. When I went to help her up, she just kept yelling “My butt! Oh my butt!” I asked where it hurt and she angrily shouted “I fell on my butt, you idiot!” I guess she was just having a bad case of stairs and a bruised bottom.
25. So I’ve been thinking of using my tax refund to get butt implants. But I checked online and those suckers are expensive! Almost had a case of sticker shock on the ol’ booty. I just wanna go from pancake to juicy cake, is that so much to ask? A girl’s gotta have goals and a lifted tush is mine for 2023.
26. What do you call a psychic little person that can predict the future just by looking at your butt? A small medium at large!
27. My friend just got dumped by her boyfriend and she’s really torn up about it. She came over last night, ate a whole pint of ice cream and kept saying “I just miss his butt!” I tried to console her by saying things like “You’ll find someone with an even better butt.” But she just sobbed “No one has a nicer butt than Brad!
28. So I’ve been doing a lot of squats lately because I want a bigger booty. But so far, it’s been nothing but a pain in the ass. My glutes are so sore, sitting down is the worst! Why didn’t anyone warn me that perfectly rounded glutes require gluteal sacrifice??
29. I accidentally farted at the gym today while doing hip thrusts. The woman on the mat behind me screamed and jumped up grabbing her nose, yelling about the protein farts. I wanted to disappear but my booty was still mid-air! Just call me thunder buns from here on out I guess.
30. My husband and I joined one of those paint and wine places last weekend. We had a little too much pinot to drink. When the instructor told us to paint something that brings us immense joy, my husband grabbed the red paint and imprinted his hands right on my butt cheeks! Let’s just say we are no longer welcome back at that establishment.
31. So I decided to get one of those Brazilian butt lifts since I have no junk in the trunk. I went in for a consultation and pulled my pants down. The doctor took one look and said, “I’m sorry but there’s just not enough back here for me to work with.” He said he lifts butts, not resurrects them from the dead!
32. I got a flat butt and thick thighs. Always gotta do the awkward shimmy just to get my jeans over my thighs and butt. Next time I’ll just wear my spandex leggings and avoid the denim shimmy struggle!
33. Tried joining a dating app just for men who love big butts. But turns out it was just for donkeys and mules. Guess I’ll keep searching for a soulmate who appreciates a juicy behind!
34. So I was at the gym when I noticed a woman with the most perfect Apple Bottom that I have ever seen. I said to her, “girl you should be doing squats with that butt!” To which she turned around and I realized…it was my male personal trainer Jorge! That will teach me not to stare at strangers’ butts at the gym.
35. I overheard my wife on the phone with her friend complaining about my flat butt. She said “He has no cakes, only pancakes!” I don’t know whether to do more squats or just accept that my booty will never stack up.
36. My teenage daughter just asked me if she could get butt implants. I told her she needs to wait until she’s older to make such a permanent change to her bottom! She said “Um mom, I was talking about hair extensions…” Now I’m the one with a red face!
37. Bought a secondhand car from a guy named Max. When I asked him about any issues, he mentioned the seat warmers were stuck on high. Said no mechanic had been able to fix it. Now my friends call it the “Max’s Ass Heater 3000”. Gets so hot I burn my bum every time!
38. So I’m pretty sure my date just took a photo of my butt while pretending to check his phone. I leaned over to tie my shoe and heard the fake camera click sound. Perv was probably sending it to all his friends captioned ‘Gonna hit this.’ My butt and I will not be going on date number two!
39. A guy came up to me at the beach last week and said, “Excuse me miss, you’re losing some junk in your trunk.”Embarrassed, I checked my swim bottoms and replied, “Um no, this is all mine!” Then he pointed to the sandcastle supplies spilling from my beach bag. Whoops, should’ve gone for a bigger bag to fit all my beach junk!
40. Overheard my husband telling his friend the only reason he likes skinny jeans is they make my flat butt look bigger. I marched up and said “Keep talking like that and the only butt you’ll see is the door’s on your way out!” No one makes cracks about my pancake panini!
41. I was feeling down about my flat bottom, so I asked my grandma if I come from a long line of pancake butts. She laughed and said “Oh honey, you got the Murphy flapjacks! We’re famous back in the old country for our saggy cabooses.” Thanks grandma, I’ll do some squats!
42. Tried to take an Instagram pic showing off my new jeans. Spent 20 minutes trying to pop my booty and look casual. Posted it feeling cute, then realized I had toilet paper stuck to my shoe the whole time. Hashtag just isn’t my day for a good butt pic!
43. My friend kept complaining about gaining weight during the pandemic, especially in her butt. I said “Hey just be glad your jeans still fit! My butt exploded out of mine months ago.” She felt better after that little pep talk from her big booty buddy.
44. I finally reached my goal weight and got the bubble butt I’ve always wanted! No more flat cakes for this girl. But now none of my old jeans fit over my new juicy apple bottom. Achieving a booty has its trade offs! Time to go bottom shopping.
45. Tried putting my skinny jeans on this morning. Had a legit tug of war trying to get them over my ample cheeks! Those jeans stood no chance against these thunder buns. I may have won the butt battle but lost the denim war. RIP skinny jeans!
46. I was looking at old photos with my grandpa. He pointed at a pick of my grandma and said “She had a great set of cakes back in the day!” Um…thanks for that visual grandpa. I’ll never look at grandma’s pancake booty the same way!
47. My four year old niece just asked me “Why your butt so stinky?” Kids say the darndest things! I calmly told her “Sweetie, everyone’s tushy has its own special scent.” Though I did make a mental note to shower before babysitting from now on!
48. A huge roach crawled up my pajama pants last night while I was sleeping! Felt something on my butt and freaked, swatting at it. Woke up my husband screaming about the roach trying to bite my cheek. Now I have bug nightmares about creepy crawlers on my cakes.
49. I slipped down the icy front steps this morning and landed right on my tailbone. My butt has been throbbing in pain all day! Can’t sit, can’t stand, can’t lay down without agony. I am officially one giant walking bruise back there.
50. My wife says I’m constantly groping my own butt. But I can’t help it! It’s just so round and luscious. I squeeze it for comfort like other dudes pat their bellies. She thinks my butt obsession is weird. But a man has needs – even if they involve his own juicy cakes!
51. A guy at the mall stopped me just to say “Nice butt, sweet cheeks!” Uh, creepy much? I know I was rocking those new jeans, but keep your comments about my ample assets to yourself! This cake claps for no crude catcallers.
52. I was walking to my car when a freak gust of wind blew my sundress up exposing my booty! Thank goodness I decided to wear cute undies today. My cheeks totally mooned the Whole Foods parking lot! Gotta start wearing shorts under my dresses to prevent wind flashes.
53. My dog gets jealous if I pay more attention to my cat. He’ll nip my butt to remind me he wants pets too! It’s an odd way of vying for affection. But hey, whatever works to get those butt bites to stop!
54. I’m convinced my gym trainer just stares at my butt the whole session instead of checking my form. He’s always saying “Looking good!” with his eyes glued on my bouncing glutes! I mean, yeah, it looks good bouncing – but so not appropriate for him to ogle me mid-squat sweat.
55. Whoever said sitting is the new smoking clearly doesn’t have a chair-loving booty like mine. I’ll take a comfy cushion for my caboose over standing any day! Gotta rest these cheeks so they stay soft and perky.
56. A seagull pooped directly on my butt cheek at the beach today. It was traumatic! One minute I’m tanning my buns, the next I’ve got white goop sliding down my cheek. The lifeguard just laughed. I’ll be seeking therapy to process this fowl assault.
57. I love when my girlfriend says I have a juicy peach of a butt. All I picture is her taking a big ol’ bite of fruit! Not exactly the sexy image I assume she’s going for, but A for effort babe. This tush is all yours to squeeze.
58. I got the brilliant idea to slide down our new spiral staircase railing. Made it halfway down before losing my balance and landing butt first on the hardwood floor. I’ve got a raccoon tail bruise and sore cheeks as a badge of my idiocy.
59. I was trying on bathing suits and didn’t realize my husband was directly behind me. Did a booty pop which resulted in me headbutting him in the face! He got a bloody nose and I got a sore tush. That’s what we get for cheek to cheek canoodling!
60. My first day working as a camp counselor, a bee stung me right on the butt cheek! I shrieked and swatted it off me. Note to self: make sure shorts don’t ride up to expose bee bait. Don’t need any more stinger surprises on these cheeks!
61. I’m convinced my cat waits until I do downward dog during my home yoga to swat at my butt. Without fail, his paw will come whipping at my cheeks mid-stretch! Kitty’s got impeccable timing for maximum booty swats.
62. I was fixing the car with my dad when he said: “Can you hand me the adjustable rear?” I stared confused until he pointed at the wrench near my foot and chuckled. Oh great, dad’s making butt puns now. Car repair time just got a whole lot weirder.
63. My wife loves surprising me by playfully smacking my butt when I walk by. But yesterday she full on spanked me at Home Depot! I yelped and she apologized, saying “I thought you were the bag boy in the khakis!” Ma’am, keep your smacks to known cheeks only.
64. I was baking cookies and pulled the sheet fresh from the oven, accidentally bumping my butt and branding myself! I now have a perfect round chocolate chip cookie butt burn. Talk about some hot cross buns – my poor sealing wax!
65. I fell asleep sunbathing on my front and got the worst sunburn ever on my booty! It’s so burnt I can barely sit or lie down without whimpering. Had to call out of work because of my roasted rear. Bottoms up to a painful recovery!
66. Whoever said sitting on your wallet is bad for your butt was right. I’ve got such a sore tush from the square imprint on my cheek! That leather corner went right in my crack. From now on, my wallet stays in my front pocket where it can’t bruise my