Witch Puns
1. I wanted to dress up as a witch for Halloween, but I couldn’t find my broom closet.
2. What do you call a witch who only eats sand? Malnourished.
3. Why don’t angry witches ride their brooms? They’re afraid of flying off the handle.
4. Why did the witch put her broom in the oven? She wanted a hot rod.
5. Why are most witches women? Because women are so good at hexing others.
6. What do you call a witch’s garage? A broom closet.
7. Why do witches fly on brooms? Vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
8. Why are witches’ brooms always lost? Because they are terrible at keeping tabs on their fly swatters.
9. Why did the witch wear a miniskirt while flying? So she wouldn’t brush her broom.
10. Why do witches ask so many questions? They’re just being inquestive.
11. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand-witch.
12. Why don’t angry witches ride their brooms? They’re afraid of flying off the handle.
13. Why did the witch’s broom break? It was on its last straw.
14. Why are witches so good at math? They have hex-cellence number skills.
15. What do you call a witch who only eats sand? Malnourished.
16. Why couldn’t the witch have babies? Because her husband had a hollow-weenie.
17. Why do witches wear name tags? So they know which witch is which.
18. Why do witches wear big hats? To keep their heads dry when it rains cats and dogs.
19. What’s a witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling.
20. Why do witches fly on brooms? Vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
Witch One-Liners
21. I wanted to dress up as a witch this Halloween, but couldn’t find my broom closet!
22. I took my broom to the car wash – apparently they don’t do vacuum cleaners.
23. My friend dressed up as a witch and ended up scaring all the dogs in the neighborhood.
24. I saw a witch flying dangerously low on her broom – she almost brushed the tree tops!
25. A witch got her broom stuck in a tree. Talk about getting caught on a limb!
26. A witch lost her broom and had to take a taxi home. She flagged down a cab and said, “I need a ride.”
27. I saw a witch at the hardware store buying a new broom. I asked if her old one broke and she said, “No, it’s just on its last straw.”
28. I went to witch school but kept falling off the broom during flying practice. I just couldn’t seem to get a handle on it.
29. A witch went speed dating and met a guy dressed as a vacuum cleaner. They really seemed to click!
30. My witch friend charged me a dollar every time she gave me a ride on her broom. It was totally a great fee.
31. I asked the witch where her broom was. She said, “It’s currently sweeping the nation.”
32. The witch lost her broom so she’s been flying off the handle all day looking for it.
33. A witch tried to ride her vacuum instead of her broom. It sucked.
34. The witch got in trouble for talking smack about her fellow witches. Turns out her coven has an anti-hexing policy.
35. I saw a witch eating a bologna sandwich. She was making a sammich-witch.
Best Witch Jokes
36. A witch decided to join a coven that was accepting new members. They told her she needed to pass a test first: spend one night in a room with a cauldron filled with fruit. If she could resist eating the fruit, she would be allowed to join. The witch went into the room and stayed the entire night without eating a single piece of fruit. In the morning, the coven leaders praised her self-control. “We put a spell on the fruit to make it extra tempting” they said. “That cauldron was full of forbidden fruit!”
37. Three witches were arguing about who was the most powerful. The first witch started bragging “Well, I can turn anyone into a frog in just one spell!” The second witch scoffed “That’s nothing, I can make anyone fall madly in love after just one incantation!” The third witch just smiled and said “That’s cute…but I was able to convince the whole world witches ride around on broomsticks!”
38. One Halloween a trick-or-treater dressed as a witch knocked on a woman’s door and said “Trick or Treat!”. The woman thought she looked so cute that she asked if she could take her picture. She invited the little girl inside and sat her down on a stool in front of a big boiling cauldron. Just as she was about to take the picture, the “witch” jumped up screaming and ran out the front door. Apparently a real witch lived there and the cauldron wasn’t just a Halloween prop!
39. An exhausted witch dragged herself into the kitchen. She had just spent hours flying around on her broomstick, delivering potions to clients in her neighborhood. Her legs ached and her hat was askew. “There must be an easier way to travel!” she groaned. Just then, a commercial came on her crystal ball for the latest model flying vacuum cleaner. The witch watched with interest as the vacuum effortlessly flew around houses, sucking up dust. “That gives me an idea!” cackled the witch. The next day, all the townspeople were surprised to see a witch riding through the skies on a brand new flying vacuum cleaner. When questioned, she explained “Turns out vacuum cleaners are much easier to fly than broomsticks!”
40. A witch was getting frustrated because every time she parked her broomstick, someone would steal it. After spending all morning locating yet another stolen broom, she decided enough was enough. The witch headed down to the local car dealership and traded in her broom for a brand new broom with all the latest anti-theft features. Now her broomstick immobilizes if anyone except her tries to fly it away! No more parking headaches for this witch!
41. A young witch was eagerly preparing for her first flying lesson. She had been waiting for this day her whole life. After months of study, she was finally ready to actually get on a broom and take flight. With nervous excitement, she grabbed her broom and confidently mounted it. She said the magic words to activate the broom then waited expectantly. Nothing happened. She repeated the magic words louder. Still nothing. The broom would not budge no matter what she tried. Frustrated, she went back to her spellbooks to see what she was doing wrong. Hours later, she finally figured it out – she forgot to take the price tag off the broom before trying to fly it!
42. For their anniversary, a warlock surprised his witch wife with two tickets for a vacation to a tropical island. He knew flying on airplanes made her uncomfortable, so he arranged for first-class seats on a luxurious broom that offered in-flight meals and entertainment. The big day arrived and they happily flew off on their romantic getaway. Unfortunately, the trip did not go smoothly. First the airline lost their luggage with all their beach clothes and sunscreen. Then bad weather caused the broom to get rerouted and delayed for hours. To top it off, the in-flight movie was a cheesy horror flick that scared the witch half to death. By the time they finally landed, the couple was exhausted and irritated. The warlock made a mental note to just buy jewelry next anniversary.
43. A young witch was busy perfecting her skills in potion making. She gathered herbs, exotic plants and magical ingredients from all around the world. Her potions laboratory was stocked with rare vials, mystical amulets and dusty old spell books. She was ready to create potions capable of amazing feats…or so she thought. The witch carefully added the ingredients for her new potion. She recited the ancient words over the mixture and watched excitedly as it started bubbling and steaming. This potion was going to give people the ability to fly without brooms! She ladled some into a cup and prepared to test it. The witch took a tiny sip and waited. But nothing happened. She knew then that potion making was a lot harder than it looked. Back to the spell books!
44. Margaret the witch was tired of only being able to travel on her broomstick. She wanted the freedom of going anywhere without traffic or altitude limits. After months of research, Margaret finally found the perfect solution. She brewed up a shapeshifting potion that could temporarily turn her broom into other vehicles. Now if Margaret needed a car, she just had to say a quick spell and her broom would transform into a BMW! Needed a boat? Her broom could change into a speedboat. The spell even worked on planes and hot air balloons! Margaret loved being able to fly across land, over oceans or through the highways. Thanks to her potion, the sky was no longer the limit!
45. Samantha stopped by the magic store after school to get some supplies. “I need a new broomstick,” she told the shopkeeper, “and some silver dust for potions class.” As the man went into the back to find her items, Samantha browsed at the spellbooks. One large dusty volume caught her eye. She opened it up and saw that it was filled with complex incantations and magical symbols. Samantha was instantly intrigued. She brought the book up to the counter along with her other purchases. “Excuse me, what is this book?” she asked with excitement. The shopkeeper frowned and said “Be careful with that one, young lady. It’s a book of forbidden dark magic. Those spells should not be toyed with!” Samantha’s eyes widened. This was exactly what she needed to finally be the most powerful witch at school! She bought the book without hesitation.
46. The witch peered intently into her crystal ball, waving her hands slowly over the misty surface. She had promised her client she would locate his missing pet cat, and she was determined to deliver. As the witch gazed deep into the crystal, shapes and images slowly started to appear. She saw a house…no, a cottage. Wooden, with a gray stone walkway leading up to it. Near the cottage was a dense forest. The images became clearer. The witch could now make out a calico cat pawing at the cottage door. “Aha!” exclaimed the witch. “I’ve found your cat!” She quickly described the vision to the worried man. He cried “That’s my aunt’s cabin in the woods! Fluffy must have wandered over there.” He thanked the witch profusely and headed off to find his wayward pet. The witch leaned back with satisfaction. Nothing beats a crystal ball for tracking down lost cats.
47. Martha was over the moon after being accepted into the prestigious Proper Witch Academy. This was the best school for young witches in the country. Martha packed up all her spellbooks and potion ingredients and moved into the dorms. On the first day of classes, she was surprised to see the witches-in-training using tablets and laptops instead of pens and paper. Even worse, in potions class they just had to push a button to mix ingredients instead of actually touching anything. During broomstick lessons, the instructor just showed a video about flying since it was too windy to go outside. Martha was learning magic through technology! She went to bed disappointed. This wasn’t the old-fashioned witch school she had dreamed of attending.
48. The witch winced as the broomseat salesman helped her get settled on a broom. “We really need to find you a comfortable model! That one is much too hard on your backside” he said sympathetically. The witch sighed “It’s impossible for me to find a really comfortable broom. I’ve got bony hips and this pointy hat doesn’t help either!” The salesman nodded understandingly. “Have you tried our new memory foam cushion charms? They conform to your unique shape.” Intrigued, the witch tested several brooms with the special charms. Finally, she found one that made her booty and hat very happy. She flew out of the store sitting pretty on the most comfy broom ever!
49. Sharon the witch was tired of running into trees and buildings while flying at night on her broomstick. She decided it was time to upgrade to a newer broom model with headlights. Sharon went to the witchcraft store and found several options. The Solar Flare broom had glowing strands built right into the bristles. The Lunar Light model had detachable crystals you could fasten on. But Sharon chose the Star Light broom which had actual working halogen headlamps. Now she could see and steer clear of obstacles at night. No more bumps and bruises! The added safety was well worth the extra broom expense.
50. The tourist stepped cautiously inside the old mansion, peering around at the dusty furniture and cobwebs. According to the brochure, this place was haunted by a family of witches who had perished inside ages ago. As the tourist crept forward, floorboards creaked overhead. He froze. There was a sound of swishing cloth and a cupboard door creaked open. The terrified man scrambled toward the exit. He let out a scream as a figure dropped down in front of him with a shriek of “GOTCHA!” It was the mansion tour guide in a witch costume pranking visitors. “Happy Halloween!” she cackled at the shaken tourist. Next year, she would have to set up a motion-activated broom instead.
51. Stacy was beyond excited when she found out she had been cast as the lead witch in the school play. Finally a chance to show off her acting skills! She practiced her cackling laugh and got the costume department to make the perfect black robe and hat. But during the first rehearsal, disaster struck. They had real brooms as props and Stacy had no idea how to ride one. Every time she tried to climb on, she would slide right back off. The director threatened to give her part to an understudy if she couldn’t learn to fly. So Stacy started taking intensive private broomstick lessons. By opening night, she could finally fly and cackle at the same time. The show was a great success!
52. The witch carefully smoothed down the stiff grey bristles on her new broom. This would be the finest broom in her collection and she wanted it to be in peak flying condition for the annual neighborhood Halloween broom parade tomorrow night. She had dyed the twigs a ghoulish black and carved tiny grinning Jack-o-lanterns all along the handle. The broom had been seasoned with a secret potion to ensure speed and maneuverability. Finally, she painted the witch’s name “Mildred” in creepy jagged letters along the side. There, her Halloween broom was officially complete! Mildred pictured herself soaring above the other witches as their brooms paled in comparison to her spooky spectacular creation. This victory would be the perfect treat!
53. Amanda stared in dismay at the parking ticket on her broomstick. She had only left it in the handicapped broom spot for five minutes while grabbing a crystal ball frappuccino from the coffee shop. “This is ridiculous, I was barely parked!” she complained. Unfortunately the parking witch was absolutely merciless. Amanda would have to pay 50 gold drachmas to get her broom back – an entire week’s allowance! She considered casting a freezing spell on the parking witch in retaliation. Her friends talked her out of it, reminding Amanda that she needed to follow the rules, even silly ones. Though she was tempted to turn the parking witch into a frog, Amanda realized she had learned an expensive lesson about broomstick parking.
54. The witch eagerly ripped open the package that had just arrived by owl delivery. She pulled out a brand new electric tea kettle and cauldron set in gleaming black enamel. No more cooking potions over an open fire! With just the flick of a switch, her potion brewing would be safer, cleaner and more precise. She filled the kettle up and turned it on. Suddenly, a jet of scalding hot water exploded out the spout with a bang, blasting a hole right through the ancient spellbook sitting nearby. The witch let out a shriek of dismay. She should have tested her new electric kettle before brewing any volatile potions in it! Kitchen technology did not mix well with witchcraft.
55. Glinda was a trend-setting witch who loved trying out new broomstick styles. While other witches in her coven were still riding old-fashioned wood brooms, Glinda spiced things up by strapping a Swiffer to a Roomba. She got around just fine on her makeshift broom while impressing everyone with her creativity. Next, she decided to try replacing her bristles with long