Valentine’s Day Puns (10)
1. I wanted to get some flowers for my date, but all the good ones were taken. I guess you could say I got stumped on what to get.
2. My friend got dumped right before Valentine’s Day. He’s really missing his ex. He kept asking people, “Have you seen my sweetheart?”
3. I was feeling a little sappy this Valentine’s Day so I decided to spruce things up by getting my girlfriend a bouquet of trees. She said it was the most romantic gesture she ever saw.
4. I tried to court a box of chocolates so I could have a sweet Valentine. Sadly, things didn’t work out and it ended up being a rocky relationship.
5. Did you hear about the chocolate shop that had to close down? They kept having break-ups.
6. What do you call two olives who fall in love? An olive couple!
7. My wife accused me of only being romantic on Valentine’s Day. I said, “That’s not true, I love you margarinely!”
8. What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day? I’m stuck on you!
9. What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A hug and a quiche!
10. My wife was expecting chocolates for Valentine’s Day, but I got her batteries instead. She was delighted—it was just the charge she needed.
Valentine’s Day One-Liners (10)
11. Love thy neighbor, but don’t get caught!
12. I asked my girlfriend to share her hopes and dreams with me on Valentine’s Day. Apparently, “leave me alone” wasn’t the answer I was looking for.
13. I wanted to do something really romantic this Valentine’s Day, so I got down on one knee and told my wife, “Stand up, I’m proposing we go out to eat.”
14. Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers and the 3rd one’s for you.
15. Singleness is my love language.
16. If loving you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
17. My sweetheart gave me heartburn and heartache.
18. Might throw a pity party because I’m single, but promise I won’t fall in love with your man.
19. I love you like I love cake. I don’t, really.
20. I wanted Valentine’s plans with you, but life had other plans for me.
Best Valentine’s Day Jokes (33)
21. My wife left me on Valentine’s Day because she said I’m too insecure. No wait, she’s back!
22. I bought my girlfriend a refrigerator for Valentine’s Day. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
23. I got my buddy a chocolate shaped like a heart with a note saying “I Love U” on it for Valentine’s Day. He said, “Is this some kind of prank? I was expecting something useful like beer or money.” I said, “Why would I do that when I can eat the chocolate myself?”
24. My girlfriend said she wanted time and space for Valentine’s Day. So I gave her a watch and drove away.
25. I was going to make a Valentine’s Day card for my chiropractor, but I decided to skip it. I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression and put ideas in his head. I don’t want him to get adjusted to the idea.
26. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
27. I spilled spot remover on my dog last Valentine’s Day. Now he’s gone.
28. My wife said if I got her one more stupid gift this year, she’d burn it. So I got her a candle.
29. I was in the mood for romance this Valentine’s Day so I put on some nice music, lit some candles and massaged my wife’s shoulders. She said, “This is really nice but who are you and how did you get in my house?”
30. I wanted to do something romantic for Valentine’s Day like running through a meadow together hand-in-hand. But my wife refused to install Tinder on her phone.
31. For Valentine’s Day, I got my wife a big card, a dozen roses, and some chocolate. I guess I should’ve opened the garage door before I tried to surprise her by jumping out when she got home.
32. My girlfriend dumped me right before Valentine’s Day, so I took her picture off of my desk at work. Don’t want people thinking I have a picture of my imaginary girlfriend there, that’s just sad.
33. I was planning to propose to my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, but when I told my buddy he said, “No don’t do it man, you’ll regret it!” So I’m pretty sure he’s just bought the ring for himself.
34. I told my crush, “Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers and the 3rd one’s for you.” She said, “That’s so rude and gross!” I replied, “Relax, it’s just a prank bro!” Then she blocked me.
35. I don’t need a detective to figure out why I’m single on Valentine’s Day. It’s elementary, my dear Watson.
36. I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and she said, “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in under 5 seconds.” So I bought her bathroom scale.
37. I was sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, but then I remembered no one loves me any other day either so it’s really no different.
38. I got my wife a sweater for Valentine’s because she’s been a little cold lately. And by cold I mean completely indifferent to my existence.
39. This Valentine’s Day, I’m going to make dinner for my right hand. She’s been so good to me all these years.
40. My friends keep asking if I have any big plans for Valentine’s Day. I tell them I’ll probably just hang out with my best friend: takeout food and Netflix.
41. I went to buy my wife a card for Valentine’s Day but they were sold out. Looks like I’ll have to come up with an original thought on my own, ugh what a chore.
42. I was going to take my girlfriend to Paris for Valentine’s Day, but the airline lost her luggage… and my luggage too, since we don’t actually exist.
43. I told my wife I got her a diamond bracelet and earrings for Valentine’s Day. That should cover up the fact that I also got myself a big screen TV and PS5.
44. My girlfriend dumped me right before Valentine’s Day, so I’m selling all the chocolates and flowers I got her. Wanna buy some discounted chocolate covered desperation?
45. I’m going to make this the best Valentine’s Day ever for my girlfriend! I just know she’ll be so excited when she finds out she’s my girlfriend.
46. I bought my wife a singing Valentine’s Day card. After she opened it, she told me I had to move out.
47. I got my girlfriend a box of chocolates shaped like a heart for Valentine’s Day. She accused me of only liking her for her body.
48. This Valentine’s Day, I’m just going to look lovingly into my own eyes in the mirror and tell myself how much I appreciate me.
49. My boyfriend forgot it was Valentine’s Day, so I’m sulking to make him feel guilty. But I’m also mad he hasn’t noticed I’m sulking, so I’m sulking more about that too.
50. I told my wife I would be cooking a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner for her. She seemed excited until she realized I meant I’d be cooking dinner while she watched romantic movies by herself. Hey, we can’t both be spoiled!
51. My girlfriend asked what I got her for Valentine’s Day, so I showed her this list of jokes I compiled. She was not amused.
52. Roses are red, violets are blue, we’re breaking up because I never liked you.
53. This Valentine’s Day, I’ll be hanging out with my favorite person: myself! Because I’m gonna be alone and depressed. Woo hoo!
