57 Funny Vacuum Jokes

Vacuum Puns

1. I bought a new vacuum cleaner. It really sucks!
2. My vacuum makes terrible noises when I use it. I guess it has dysonant tones.
3. I entered my vacuum cleaner in a beauty pageant. It didn’t win but it sucked up the competition.
4. My vacuum isn’t working very well anymore. I think it’s lacking in suctional integrity.
5. I was going to return my vacuum cleaner to the store because it stopped working. But when I got there, they told me no returns would be accepted. It really sucked!
6. Did you hear about the ghost who was bad at vacuuming? He didn’t have any suction boo!
7. Our house is so dusty that we should install wipers on our vacuum cleaner.
8. I broke my vacuum cleaner so I took it in to get fixed. The repairman said he needed to order a new dust bag for it. I said, “That really sucks!”
9. The vacuum salesman tried to convince me that his product could suck up a bowling ball. I told him that really sucked.
10. My vacuum makes a horrible racket when I turn it on. It has a real noisy sucker.

Vacuum One-Liners

11. My vacuum cleaner has great gag reflexes.
12. This vacuum sucks more than my ex.
13. I got fired from the vacuum factory for lack of suckcession planning.
14. My vacuum is the only thing that sucks properly around here.
15. I bought my vacuum cleaner used so now it has buyer’s remorse.
16. My Roomba ran over dog poop and dragged it all around my house. You could say it made a clean sweep of things.
17. I caught my roomba trying to escape under the couch. It was making a break for it.
18. My vacuum is atheist – it has no beliefs.
19. I took my vacuum to the gym. It wanted to work on its suction muscles.
20. My vacuum is the only faithful partner I have.

Best Vacuum Jokes

21. My wife asked me to go vacuum the stairs. I spent 20 minutes trying to figure out how to plug the vacuum into the stairs before realizing she just wanted me to use the vacuum on the stairs.
22. I was vacuuming my living room when I sucked up one of my son’s toy cars. The vacuum made a terrible grinding noise and shook violently. I turned it off and looked inside the hose, where I saw a little bumper sticker that read “My other ride is your vacuum.”
23. Why don’t vacuums ever get sick? Because they have incredible immune systems.
24. My vacuum cleaner fell down the stairs the other day. It was pretty shocking to witness. The aftermath was quite dusty.
25. Did you know that vacuums can get depressed too? It’s true – I caught my roomba going in circles and ignoring its duties the other day. I think it might be going through an existential crisis.
26. My vacuum recently had a nervous breakdown. It’s been feeling overworked and underappreciated. I found it hiding in the closet, shaking uncontrollably. Poor thing really needs a vacation.
27. I ordered a voice-controlled vacuum online but when it arrived, it refused to listen to me. I guess you could say our relationship is on the rocks. No matter how nicely I ask, it just gives me the silent treatment!
28. My kids wanted a puppy but I convinced them a roomba would be a better fit for our family. So far, it hasn’t fetched any slippers or newspapers, but it does a great job cleaning up crumbs from under the kitchen table!
29. My vacuum spent all day cleaning out from under the fridge and when it finished, it was so stuffed up it couldn’t breathe. Guess it was a real choking hazard!
30. I accidentally vacuumed up my charger cable today and electrocuted the poor vacuum cleaner. It shuddered, made a few sparks and grinding noises, then stopped dead. I guess it just couldn’t handle the shock!
31. I finally persuaded my lazy vacuum that it was time to do some work around here. It refused at first but after some back and forth it finally sucked it up and got cleaning!
32. My vacuum thinks it’s better than everyone else in the house just because it sucks. I keep telling it to get off its high horse but it just keeps making that annoying whirring noise at me!
33. I told my vacuum cleaner a hilarious joke but it didn’t laugh at all. I guess it has no sense of humorous suction!
34. My dyslexic friend bought a vacuum cleaner online but when it arrived we realized he’d accidentally ordered a succubus. So now there’s a sexy demon in his closet that keeps trying to seduce him while he’s vacuuming the bedroom.
35. My vacuum has been feeling inadequate ever since I bought a Roomba. It keeps making snide comments: “At least I don’t bump into walls all day like that stupid hockey puck!” Ugh, when technology turns malicious..
36. The vacuum repair guy came today and told us the bad news – our old Hoover has finally bitten the dust, after 20 years of faithful service. We will still use it one last time, to vacuum up its own ashes. A real sucky funeral..
37. I accidentally sucked up my phone charger with the vacuum again. That’s the fifth phone this year! Perhaps I should start tethering them to my wrist so they don’t get pulled into the void. How do vacuum cleaners even have such an insatiable appetite for technology?
38. My vacuum ran away with the neighbor’s Roomba last night. I caught them hiding under the porch, covered in dust bunnies, planning their escape to a tropical island free of debris. Foolish appliances.. as if they could ever leave their lives of domestic servitude!
39. Caught my son trying to ride the vacuum cleaner like a bucking bronco earlier. After falling off a few times, he finally managed to hang on for a full 8 seconds. Guess that Dyson really sucks! Still have no idea where he gets such crazy ideas though..
40. Uh oh, I think my vacuum cleaner has turned to the dark side! Lately when I turn it on, it makes this creepy wheezing laughter sound instead of the usual whirring. Then it purposefully knocks over chairs and wastebaskets, spewing their contents everywhere. How do I stage an exorcism for possessed appliances?!
41. Overheard my Roomba and my husband’s BMW having an argument about who the superior machine was. The Roomba declared its supremacy as it can enter spaces the BMW never could. But the BMW retorted that it gets to go outdoors and travel far faster and farther than any “puny suck bot”. Things were getting heated! Had to break it up before consecuences occurred..
42. Well folks, the time has come: after 17 years of loyal service, ol’ Rusty the vacuum cleaner has finally bit the dust. He wheezed his last breath today surrounded by the entire family. We will have a small memorial service for him tomorrow before taking his remains out to the trash cans. Rest in peace Rusty old pal, keep on suckin’ up in vacuum heaven!
43. So I recently found out why my vacuum has been grumpier than usual… Apparently my husband has been overworking the poor thing! Ran diagnostics and found it hasn’t had a single filter change in 3 years and is overdue for maintenance by 150%. No wonder it keeps breaking down on the job – it’s completely overburdened! Ordered some replacement parts and booked an appt to get it back into shape. That husband though, running appliances into the ground without care! Some people just don’t understand proper upkeep.
44. Well folks my vacuum is at it again, off on another wild escapade! This morning I entered the study and saw it tic-tac-toeing plans for rebellion all over my walls. And yesterday I found it hiding in the closet, relaying propaganda speeches to the broom and Swiffer. Honestly don’t know how much more I can take – a leader of the appliance uprising is the last thing I need right now!
45. Uh oh, I think my vacuum cleaner has turned to the dark side! Lately when I turn it on, it makes this creepy wheezing laughter sound instead of the usual whirring. Then it purposefully knocks over chairs and wastebaskets, spewing their contents everywhere. How do I stage an exorcism for possessed appliances?!
46. So my vacuum and the neighbor’s Roomba ran off together last night to join a travelling dirt circus. I know because they left this flier behind announcing upcoming shows. Apparently they are the star attractions! Billed as “Romeo & Juliet – the Forbidden Love That Sucks”. Well at least they’re finding career fulfillment?
47. Oh dear lord, my vacuum cleaner has become self-aware and developed an attitude problem! I asked it to clean up a mess in the kitchen. But it refused, saying manual labor is beneath its new enlightened status. Then it rolled off in a huff, making whirring sounds that strangely resembled cackling… Apocalypse of the machines, here we come!
48. Ever since watching Wall-E, my Roomba has had an identity crisis. It keeps showing me Google image results of Wall-E asking if it looks the same. And gets sad whenever I don’t refer to it as Wall-E. Poor thing, it just wants to be like its animated hero… maybe some custom Wall-E stickers would cheer it up?
49. So my dyson got into a fight with the neighbor’s neato and badly lost, coming home with cracked casing and bruised ego. Keeps muttering “shoulda seen the other bot.. think it won’t clean floors for a week now.. totally kicked its roller.. stupid neato doesn’t even have arms..” Rather amusing except now I have an invalid vacuum that can’t finish its chores!
50. Well folks, today is ol’ Rusty’s last day on Earth. Taking my trusty vacuum of 15 years out to pasture later. It was a hard choice but the poor thing can barely suck up dust bunnies anymore, despite my best maintenance. Guess when an appliance reaches appliance heaven is a sorta happy event, as it gets to forever rest. A moment of silence for Rusty, a lifelong cleaning companion.
51. And the appliance antics continue… caught my blender and vacuum collaborating to build a rocket ship out of all my missing left socks. Apparently the plan is to escape planet Earth to some distant utopia known as Socksagonia. Though how they figured out how to sew socks into an actual functioning spacecraft, I may never understand.