I brought my umbrella to a sword fight. You could say I was unarmed and dangerous.
My umbrella is very optimistic. It always looks on the bright side.
I entered my umbrella into a beauty pageant. It didn’t win, but it did get a raining applause.
I was going to bring my umbrella to the baseball game, but the forecast said it would just be partly cloudy with a chance of bat.
Working at the umbrella factory has its ups and downs. But I always try to keep a positive outlook.
I used to sell umbrellas by the seashore, but found there was no market for it.
My umbrella broke today. On the bright side, it wasn’t raining.
Did you hear about the psychic little umbrella? It can fortell the weather.
I told my umbrella it takes two to tango. It told me it only takes one to tango if I’m willing to solo dance in the rain.
What do you call an umbrella that breaks in the wind? A blown-brella!
What do you call an inside out umbrella? A para-flounder-lla!
My umbrella is feeling under the weather today.
Umbrella One-Liners (14)
My umbrella may have a few holes in it, but it’s still keeping a roof over my head.
They said bring an umbrella just in case, but I wasn’t expecting cats and dogs!
I was going to bring my umbrella to work, but the weatherman tricked me again.
My umbrella blew inside out, now I know how a pancake feels.
I tried to make an umbrella for my cat, but she wasn’t feline it.
So many umbrellas, but not enough rainy days.
I told my umbrella to stay positive, it replied “I’m trying but it’s not easy when people keep pushing my buttons!”
I was going to use my umbrella today, but there was a 99% chance I might forget it somewhere.
My umbrella has seen better rain drops.
I brought my umbrella to the water park, yeah that didn’t go so well.
My umbrella identifies as a raincoat.
I forgot my umbrella was open when I tried putting it in my bag, oops.
My umbrella is scared of lightning ever since we had a shocking experience.
Who brings an umbrella to the carwash? This guy.
Best Umbrella Jokes (12)
Last week during the thunderstorm I grabbed my umbrella and headed out the door for my walk. No sooner did I get one block down the street when the winds whipped up fiercely and turned my umbrella inside out! I struggled to get it closed as I was getting pelted by heavy rain. Defeated, I turned back and returned home a sopping, dripping mess. My wife took one look at me and said, “Honey, you should have checked the weather before heading out.” I said, “I did check the weather! The forecaster said there was only a slim chance of rain!”
When I was a kid I hated umbrellas and would purposefully try to lose or break every one my mom bought. She would get so mad whenever I came home soaking wet. One day she sat me down and said, “I know you think umbrellas aren’t cool, but keeping dry in the rain is important.” I rolled my eyes and scoffed. Then she continued gently with, “You know umbrellas protect people in more ways than just keeping them dry right?” I gave her a puzzled look. She went on to explain, “Did you know that before doctors knew about germs and diseases they would carry umbrellas to block bodily fluids while performing autopsies and surgeries?” My jaw dropped. Mom smiled knowingly, “So you see, umbrellas have saved many lives over the years in more ways than one.” Since that conversation I’ve had a healthy respect for umbrellas rain or shine.
Last summer my friend invited me out to the county fair. While we were on some rides ominous dark clouds started rolling in. I checked the weather radar and saw a massive storm headed our way. I pulled my friend aside and insisted we head to the car right away. He laughed and called me paranoid, saying we still had plenty of time. Moments later the sky opened up and it started absolutely pouring rain. We raced towards the fairground exit, but it was too late—we were both instantly drenched. As we finally made it to his car, I turned to my friend and quipped, “Now do you think we should have left earlier?” He wrung out his sopping wet shirt and replied, “Well in hindsight…” I interrupted and held up a hand, “No, with foresight!” Then I pulled my dry umbrella out of my backpack with a grin. My friend just shook his head and chuckled. We still laugh about that rainy day to this day!
I was waiting at the bus stop when an elderly woman walked up with the tiniest umbrella I’ve ever seen. It was one of those mini fold-up ones that could maybe cover your head and shoulders at best. I commented, “Wow, that’s a tiny umbrella you’ve got there!” She replied good naturedly, “It folds up small enough to fit in my purse. And it keeps my hair dry, that’s all I care about at my age!” Just then the clouds rumbled loud with thunder and the heavens unleashed a furious downpour. The woman calmly popped open her tiny umbrella. I looked at her doubtfully, “Are you sure that little thing will keep you dry in this storm?” She smiled brightly, “Oh no, in weather like this I use it to cover my purse!”
Why do umbrellas make bad lawyers? They always rest their case!
What do you call an umbrella with holes in it? A broken-brella!
My friend forgot his umbrella so I lent him my raincoat instead. He came back an hour later looking like a drowned rat! When I asked what happened, he explained, “I was waiting at the bus stop in your rain coat when an elderly lady came and stood right next to me. Just then a bus drove by a huge puddle and completely soaked us with dirty rain water! Meanwhile the lady pulls out her umbrella, opens it, and stays perfectly dry. That’s when I lost it and yelled, ‘What good is that tiny umbrella anyway!?’ She whacked me over the head with it and shouted, ‘It keeps rude young folks like you from standing next to me!'”
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
I was out on a walk when dark menacing clouds suddenly rolled in. I felt a few raindrops and realized I better take cover fast. Just then a woman rushed by me with her dog. I called out, “Excuse me Ma’am! Do you happen to have an umbrella on you?” She stopped short and sniffed, “Do I look like someone who carries an umbrella?” I shrugged, “Actually yes, most people have one when walking their dog.” Her eyes narrowed as she looked me up and down. Then she reached into her jacket pocket and pulled something out. She held it in the air triumphantly and declared, “I carry doggie poo bags, not umbrellas!” Then she stormed off just as the sky let loose with a torrential downpour. I waved goodbye and offered a friendly reminder to have a nice day. She flipped me off without looking back. Some people just refuse to see the brighter side I guess!
Why don’t eggs need umbrellas? Because they have yolks!
Where do you go to buy umbrellas? To the raintertainment store!
My friend got so fed up with Seattle’s constant rain that he decided to mail his umbrella to Phoenix, Arizona. That way he could guarantee it would finally get year round sunny weather for a change!
What kind of shoes do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear!
