Twitter Puns
- I tried to come up with a Twitter pun but 140 characters wasn’t enough.
- What do you call Twitter in Germany? Twitler.
- Want to hear a joke about Twitter? Sorry, it’s too long—I’ll have to tweet it in parts.
- Did you hear about the new Twitter birdhouse? It allows birds to tweet anytime they want.
- My bird wanted to join Twitter but her tweets were too cheep.
- What do you call someone who is addicted to Twitter? A twittaholic.
- I entered my pet bird in a Twitter tweet contest but no one retweeted him. It was a catastrophe.
- I was going to make a Twitter pun, but it was too short and I ran out of characters.
- What do you call someone who posts too much on Twitter? A twitterspammer.
- My phone autocorrected Twitter to Tutti Frutti. Now all my tweets are about fruit.
Twitter One-Liners
- Twitter is where intelligence goes to die.
- Twitter does for social interaction what fencing does for sword fights.
- If brevity is the soul of wit, Twitter is the graveyard of wits.
- Twitter makes everyone a journalist and proves no one should be.
- Twitter is shouting into the void and occasionally the void shouts back.
- Twitter is dopamine served 140 characters at a time.
- On Twitter people rewrite history like they were always right.
- Twitter is a Rorschach test that reveals humanity’s narcissism.
- Twitter threads are the online equivalent of thinking out loud without bothering to think.
- Twitter: where being wrong for the right reasons is better than being right for the wrong ones.
Best Twitter Jokes
21. I asked my friend, “What is Twitter?” He responded, “It’s a site where people share their random thoughts and opinions constantly for validation from strangers.” I said, “Sorry I asked, I don’t need your whole life story.”
22. My therapist suggested I take a break from Twitter after I had a meltdown over only getting 5 likes on a tweet. I refused and found a new therapist who understands that likes = self worth.
23. I joined Twitter to keep up with the news. Two hours later I was in a heated argument with a stranger about how to correctly pronounce “gif”.
24. Me after checking Twitter first thing in the morning: “Yep, still on the brink of nuclear war, pandemic getting worse, economy crashing, and political chaos. Glad I started my day being informed!”
25. Boss: Why do you always look at your phone at work? Me: I’m not looking at my phone, I’m networking professionally on Twitter. Boss: Let me see your phone. Me: Uh, excuse me I have to go tweet angrily in the bathroom for no reason.
26. My parrot started repeating random phrases he heard on Twitter. Now all he does is angrily tweet nonsense while pooping all over his bird cage.
27. I thought I could make some extra money by opening a bird sanctuary for Twitter-obsessed parrots. It turns out there’s no demand—all the birds just stayed home and tweeted all day.
28. I’m not saying I’m addicted to Twitter, but I just tried to double tap a painting at an art museum to like it.
29. Me reading through a Twitter thread for 15 minutes before realizing it’s two bots arguing with each other.
30. Doctor: Unfortunately you’ve suffered extreme Twitter exposure and your dopamine receptors are fried. The only cure is to delete your account immediately. Me: Can I at least tweet about this first?
31. My deepest thoughts and profound revelations used to be written in personal journals. Now I blast them uncensored for the world to see via tweetstorms at 3am.
32. Me after reading an ironic tweet: Is this sarcasm? Are they trolling? Should I be outraged?? I MUST know their true intentions before reacting!
33. My Twitter bio says “Opinions are my own” because saying “I mostly just retweet things for attention without thinking” seemed too long.
34. Boss: For the last time, stop checking Twitter at work. Me: Don’t worry, I installed a Twitter app on my computer so you won’t see me using my phone anymore!
35. Therapist: Try only allowing yourself one hour of Twitter per day for your mental health. Me: Ok, I’ll log off Twitter at 2am each night instead of 3am.
36. My grandfather doesn’t understand why I use Twitter. I tried explaining it’s a way to publicly organize my thoughts in a logical manner to convey nuanced ideas. He just looked confused, so I said “It’s a place to dunk on people I disagree with” and he said “Oh, got it.”
37. I joined a Twitter support group for people trying to break their addiction. It was useless – we just sat around tweeting about how hard it is to quit.
38. Me reading the trending topics: “Huh, WW3 is trending higher than the new Beyonce album. Maybe humanity was a mistake.”
39. Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ve suffered a serious concussion.” Me: “Will I still be able to post ridiculous hot takes on Twitter?”
40. My Twitter feed is an endless void of outrage, so for my mental health I’m following more parrot accounts that just tweet “Squawk! Squawk!” over and over.
41. I’m in a Twitter feud with a complete stranger about which ice cream flavor is objectively the best. Meanwhile my real-life friendships are fraying, my job is at risk, and I’m $50k in debt, but vanilla is TRASH and I will die on this hill!
42. Me: I don’t understand why everyone is so addicted to Twitter, I only use it for 10 minutes a day to catch up on important news and current events. Also me: *spends 8 hours a day arguing with strangers about celebrity drama on Twitter.*
43. My Twitter account was hacked. Now all my tweets are just reasonable takes written in a thoughtful, nuanced manner. My followers are very confused.
44. Boss: I need you to stay late to finish this important project. Me: Sorry, can’t. I absolutely HAVE to get home right at 5 to continue my inane Twitter feuds over issues that don’t matter at all.
45. I finally muted all the craziness on Twitter and now my feed is just cute animal photos, nature landscapes, and funny memes. Feeling zen. *checks replies* Wait why is everyone being so toxic and calling me names??