Train Puns
1. I was going to tell a joke about trains, but I decided to switch tracks.
2. My friend got hit by a train and lost his left leg and left arm. He’s all right now though.
3. I entered a comedy competition on trains, but I didn’t make it past the first round.
4. I used to work fixing trains, but I got derailed when they started using new technology.
5. The train employees formed a band. It has a strong locomotive section but a mediocre caboose.
6. I tried to eat a train once. It was pretty chew-chew tough.
7. I wanted to visit France, but the only ticket left was on a cargo train. Now I’m just chugging along slowly.
8. The train robbery went off without a hitch. The thieves made a clean getaway.
9. I entered my pet snail in a train race. He was pretty slow compared to the others.
10. I tried to catch a train earlier, but missed it by a whisker. It was a close shave.
11. The train conductor liked making announcements. He was a loud speaker.
12. I wondered why the train didn’t stop at my station. It just passed me by.
13. The electric train got charged with battery. Its career was derailed after that.
14. The train had great tracks, so it attracted a large following.
15. I bought a suitcase with train designs on it. It has a lot of trunk space.
Train One-Liners
16. This train is so slow, it’s going backwards.
17. My friend got hit by a train. He’s in stable condition.
18. I was going to take the train this morning but missed it by a hair.
19. This train is slower than a snail on sedatives.
20. I have a business selling watches to trains. It’s very locomotive.
21. The trainrobber made off with all the cargo. It was packed with loot.
22. I entered my pet turtle in a train race. He’s gonna win it tortoise.
23. The electric train got charged with battery after punching the diesel train.
24. I tried eating a train once. It was chewier than I expected.
25. The train conductor was found sleeping on the job. He was caught napping on the rails.
26. I bought a suitcase covered in trains. It holds a ton of luggage.
27. The runaway train crashed and burned. It was a train wreck.
28. I tried to catch the morning train. Missed it by a second and had to wait all day.
29. The train robbery was perfectly planned. The thieves got away scot-free.
30. I wanted to visit Paris but could only get a ticket on a cargo train. All aboard the snail express!
Best Train Jokes
31. A train conductor decided to get a haircut before work. He asked the barber, “How long will this take?” The barber said, “Oh, about 2 minutes.” The conductor laughed and said, “Well I don’t have time to get my haircut then.” The barber asked why not. The conductor explained, “You see, my train is stopped at the station and it’s already 2 minutes late!”
32. A woman was taking the train home with her baby in a stroller. Upon entering the train, she tried to place the stroller in the corner out of the way of other passengers. However, no matter how she angled it, it wouldn’t fit. After multiple attempts, she finally got so frustrated that she picked up the stroller with baby and all, and shoved it into the corner. The baby started crying hysterically and other passengers stared at the woman disapprovingly.
Red-faced, she picked up the baby, hugged and soothed her, and said “I’m so sorry little one, but you know…your mother has always had trouble raising you!”
33. A train conductor woke up one morning with a sore back, so he decided to visit the chiropractor’s office nearby before starting his shift. He entered the office and said “Hey doc, I’m a train conductor, can you please help adjust my back so I can get to work on time?” The chiropractor said “Sure, just lie down here and I’ll see what I can do”. The conductor lied face down on the massage table and the chiropractor started applying pressure along his spine and loosening up joints.
After a few minutes, the chiropractor said “All done! Try sitting up slowly”. The conductor sat up and said “Wow I feel much better, thanks doc!” As he got up to leave, the chiropractor said, “That’ll be $150 please”. Shocked, the conductor said “What? $150? That’s outrageous!” The chiropractor shrugged and said “Well, I straightened your back didn’t I? Isn’t that what a train conductor does? Charge people ridiculous amounts for short distances?”
34. A train engineer and his co-worker were switching positions halfway through their route. The co-worker said “Remember, this train is a little tricky – it tends to accelerate gradually rather than speed up right away when you increase the throttle.” The engineer acknowledged this and they continued on.
About an hour later as the train was approaching a bend, the engineer suddenly remembered what his co-worker had said. He quickly reduced throttle, but it was too late – the train started speeding uncontrollably as it got pulled into the bend by centripetal force. The passengers were violently jolted as the train banked around the curve, barely making it through without derailing.
Once back under control, the engineer radioed central command and reported what had happened. He concluded his message saying “My apologies, I should have heeded the advice of my co-worker. I guess I just needed a little more training on operating this engine.”
35. A retired train engineer was invited as a guest of honor to ride in the locomotive of a high-speed bullet train making its inaugural trip. He was excited to see the new technology up close. But once the train began picking up speed, his expression changed from joy to fright. Seeing the engineer handle the controls at such high speeds was nerve-wracking compared to the slower trains he was used to.
As the train accelerated even more, the retired engineer couldn’t take it anymore. He tugged on the current engineer’s sleeve and shouted over the noise “Aren’t we going too fast?! Shouldn’t you slow down?” The current engineer calmly smiled and shook his head saying “Sir, we’ve only just left the station…”
36. The conductor of a train got sick and had to call in a replacement at the last minute. His boss said “I know this guy Joe who has been an assistant conductor for a few years now. He knows trains very well so let’s have him fill in.” The real conductor was hesitant about putting his train in a rookie’s hands, but he had no choice.
Joe showed up excited for his first day conducting. However, the train ended up arriving over 2 hours late to its destination. When the boss asked what happened, Joe explained “Everything was going smoothly when suddenly I got distracted by a nice meadow we passed. Before I knew it, we overshot the station by 20 miles and had to backtrack!” Moral: New conductors can’t train their focus well enough.
37. A train engineer found an unknown switch in his locomotive labeled “Auto Drive”. Curious, he flipped it on and to his amazement the train started driving itself down the tracks perfectly. At every stop, passengers would get on and off smoothly without the engineer doing anything. He thought this was amazing. At the next stop, his co-worker got on and saw the switch. He yelled “Turn that off right now! That’s dangerous!” The engineer laughed and said “Relax, this train can drive itself!” The co-worker shook his head and said “Yes, that’s the problem.”
38. The conductor of a high-speed train noticed the guy sitting next to him was nervous and sweating. Trying to lighten the mood, the conductor pointed out the window saying “Relax sir, see those birds flying alongside us? We’re not going that fast.” The passenger replied “Oh I’m not worried about how fast we’re going. It’s just that I’m the new bird watcher they stationed on this train route today.”
39. An electric train got arrested and charged with battery after getting into a fight with a diesel engine. Eyewitnesses say the electric train was just minding its own business powering the morning commute when the diesel approached it trash talking and trying to pick a fight. Words were exchanged and it eventually turned physical.
Now the electric train is facing time in the train yard while the diesel engine is on the lam. Detectives found fingerprints and are hopeful the diesel culprit will be brought to justice soon. Other trains in the area are shaken by the violence. Officials say counseling will be provided on rail rage management.
40. A husband and wife were taking the train to visit family for the holidays. The wife was struggling to carry all their heavy luggage onto the crowded train. Seeing his wife in distress, the husband thought he’d be charming and said “Here sweetie, let me get those bags for you! We men are much stronger than you women.”
His wife glared back and replied “Oh yeah? Well we women are smarter than you men!” She then took the largest suitcase and shoved it right between his legs, smashing his groin and knocking him down. She breezed by carrying the rest of the luggage saying “Next time dear, use your brain instead of your ‘strength’ to help me out. Now hurry or we’ll miss the train!”
More Train Jokes
41. Why don’t trains have a good sense of humor? Because they always take things too literally down to the tracks!
42. How do you fix a broken train? With a locomotive!
43. Why don’t eggs take the train? They don’t want to be locomotives!
44. What do you call a train that eats too much? A chew chew train!
45. Why don’t ants ever get run over by trains? Because they’re always wearing their little ant-y bodies!
46. How does a train eat? It goes chew chew!
47. What do you call a train with square wheels? A rectangle!
48. Why was the train so hot and sweaty when it arrived at the station? It needed to blow off some steam!
49. What do you get if you cross a train with a flea? Lots of itchy passengers!
50. Why did the train go to outer space? To become a satellite!
51. How do trains communicate? Through the railway grapevine!
52. Why do elephants avoid traveling by train? They prefer the trunk of their car!
53. What did the buffalo say when his son left on the train? Bison!
54. Why do trains have trouble keeping relationships? They’re always railroading their partner’s feelings!
55. Why was the train so rude and grumpy? It had a loco-motive!
56. What do you call a train that’s about to crash? A rail fail!
57. Why did the train go to the sauna? It needed to blow off some steam!
58. What did the conductor say to the impatient passenger? Stop complaining or you’ll get derailed!
59. Where do trains go for vacation? The railroad tracks!
60. How do you fix a broken train? With a railroad map!
61. Why was the train so stressed out? It was having a loco-motive breakdown!
62. Why was the train excited on Monday morning? It was feeling loco-motivated!
63. What did the train say when it sneezed? Achoo choo!
64. How do you stop a train from talking too much? Uncouple the caboose!
65. Why did the train get bad grades in school? It was always railroading down the wrong tracks!
66. Why was the train working as a waiter? It wanted to work on its caboose service!
67. How does a train party? It choo-choos to have fun!
68. Why did the train go to therapy? It had loco-motive issues to work through!
69. What do you call a train that can fly? A rail-plane!
70. What kind of makeup do trains wear? Mas-cara!
71. Why couldn’t the train turn left? It was just being locomotive!
72. Why did the trains break up? They had nothing in loco-motive!
73. How do you fix a train’s bad attitude? Put it on the right tracks!
74. What do you call two trains that crash into each other? A rail fail!
75. Why was the train feeling neglected? Its caboose was being taken for granted!
76. Why do elephants avoid traveling by train? They prefer using their trunk!
77. Why was the train feeling silly? It was just loco-motiving around!
78. What do you call a train driver who accidentally goes the wrong way? A silly engineer!
79. Why was the train scared to go through the tunnel? It was feeling loco-phobic!
80. How do trains stay connected? Through their strong loco-motive signals!
81. Why was the train feeling artistic? It wanted to paint the locomotive!
82. What did the conductor yell when the train switched tracks? “Wrong way, go back!”
83. Why was the electric train able to beat the diesel in a race? It had more engine capacity!
84. What do you call two trains that collide? A train wreck!
85. How does a train feel safe? When it’s on the right track!
86. What do you call a train that protects others? A safe locomotive!
87. Why do trains always know how to reach their destination? They have strong locomotive memories!