Thanksgiving Puns (15)
1. I’m really good at cooking the Thanksgiving turkey. You could say I’m an expert at poultry in motion.
2. The pilgrims were psalm singers, but their descendants are hip hop and rappers. You could say they went from Psalms to palms.
3. I entered my pumpkin pie in a baking contest. It was disqualified for filling violations.
4. I only use fresh cranberries in my Thanksgiving stuffing. You could say it has a certain cran-berry to it.
5. The turkey came out a little dry this year. I guess I plucked up the courage to try a new recipe.
6. My family always gets into arguments about whether to serve pumpkin or pecan pie. It’s very dividing.
7. I wanted to impress my in-laws with my cooking skills, but the turkey turned out terribly. Now they think I’m a fowl cook.
8. My dad loves telling the same stale jokes every Thanksgiving. His puns are re-heated every year.
9. Our oven broke right before Thanksgiving dinner. We had to wing it and find another way to cook the turkey.
10. My wife made a beautiful cornucopia centerpiece with fresh veggies. I told her it was corny but gourd-geous.
11. We ordered a special breed of turkey this year called a Doublicious. It supposedly has twice the white meat. We’re hoping it lives up to the hype.
12. I slipped on a patch of gravy and fell right onto the Thanksgiving table. Talk about getting into the holiday spirit.
13. My family got into an argument about whether to serve turnips or parsnips with the meal. It was a root vegetable dispute.
14. The kids wanted burgers instead of turkey this year. I had to remind them that ground beef is a Hamburgerler turkey day tradition.
15. My uncle Joe tells the cringiest jokes every Thanksgiving. I try not to encourage him by laughing at his corny humor.
Thanksgiving One-Liners (15)
16. Thanksgiving dinner at my house is a touch football game with no touchdown.
17. I ate so much turkey on Thanksgiving I had to buy bigger pants – or start jogging.
18. Thanksgiving lunches should come equipped with stretchy pants.
19. I’m thankful I wore elastic waist pants this Thanksgiving.
20. Thanksgiving leftovers – because you love cold turkey.
21. My Thanksgiving pants don’t actually have an elastic waistband – It’s just wishful thinking on my part.
22. A moment on the lips, forever on the hips – the story of my Thanksgiving meal.
23. I’m thankful for sweatpants on Thanksgiving.
24. My Thanksgiving pants are shrinking. I think they’re conspiring against me.
25. Break out the antacids – it’s after Thanksgiving dinner!
26. Talking politics at Thanksgiving is a gravy mistake.
27. A Thanksgiving tip: Stretch before eating, not after.
28. Why do we eat so much on Thanksgiving? FOMO – Fear Of Missing Out on leftovers.
29. Thanksgiving dinner guests: arrive hungry and leave stuffed.
30. Thanksgiving leftovers – The struggle is real trying to find Tupperware lids.
Best Thanksgiving Jokes (25)
31. On Thanksgiving Day, all of our family sits around the dining table to reflect on the things we cherish most in life. Then we eat and drink until we don’t remember anything we just talked about 5 minutes earlier.
32. My friend invited me over for a Thanksgiving feast, but he’s not a very good cook. I had to politely stomach his undercooked turkey and lumpy mashed potatoes covered in gravy to avoid hurting his feelings.
33. The Thanksgiving guests were startled when the turkey on the table suddenly came to life and started sprinting around the dining room. Turns out the turkey wasn’t fully cooked and we accidentally brought it to life.
34. I’m thankful for my husband’s uncle who likes to get into political arguments with the in-laws every Thanksgiving. It really takes the heat off the rest of us – we just pass the rolls and enjoy the show.
35. In my family, the rule is whoever falls asleep after the big Thanksgiving meal has to wash all the dishes. So everyone tries to stay awake and make everyone else as sleepy as possible after we eat. Last year, my sneaky grandma slipped tryptophan pills in our desserts to make us all drowsy.
36. As a kid I asked my mom if we could have McDonald’s for Thanksgiving dinner instead of turkey. She said “No fast food franchises, we’re having a traditional family meal.” So I grabbed a frozen turkey burger from the freezer and slapped it between two stale hamburger buns. “There’s your family meal,” I said.
37. My cousin Vicki is always forced to bring her awful homemade cranberry jelly to Thanksgiving dinner every year. We choke it down to be polite but have to drink lots of wine to kill the taste. Vicki ruins Thanksgiving by turning delicious cranberry sauce into a gelatinous mess.
38. One year my dad volunteered to deep fry the Thanksgiving turkey outside. He ended up losing control of the turkey and it flew into the air, landing directly on top of my grandma’s car. We ordered pizza while my grandma yelled at my dad for crushing her Buick with an airborne turkey.
39. My sister-in-law Lucy is the pickiest eater so my brother has to make her a separate meal every Thanksgiving. Last year he served her a personal Thanksgiving feast of mac and cheese, chicken fingers and french fries while the rest of us ate turkey and trimmings.
40. Uncle Jerry drank too much wine at Thanksgiving last year and fell asleep right at the table. When he woke up hours later, he was so confused he grabbed a drumstick and started waving it around, thinking it was his phone. We couldn’t stop laughing.
41. One year on Thanksgiving we realized too late that we bought a frozen turkey that was way too big for our tiny oven. We had to get creative and break it in half to cook it, but both ends were still frozen when dinner was served. It was basically a raw turkey sculpture that year.
42. We invited our neighbors over for Thanksgiving one year since they couldn’t travel to see family. They showed up with a bag full of microwave meals because they didn’t know how to cook turkey and stuffing. A very untraditional feast, but their sweet gesture was what mattered most.
43. My grandparents came over last Thanksgiving and my grandma brought her famous pumpkin pie. Grandpa accidentally knocked it onto the floor right after she placed it on the counter. My heartbroken grandma cried “My pie!” while grandpa tried piecing it back together like a jigsaw puzzle.
44. One Thanksgiving, my mom lifted the turkey out of the oven and the legs fell completely off, landing directly on top of our cocker spaniel. The dog sprinted around the house shrieking with turkey limbs hanging off of him. It was the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen.
45. I ordered one of those trendy turduckens for Thanksgiving last year – a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey. It looked so beautiful on the platter but we couldn’t figure out how to carve it and it dried out halfway through. Never trying that again.
46. My kids begged me to deep fry our Thanksgiving turkey this year because all their friends’ parents do it. I caved and tried it, but the propane tank exploded and singed all my eyebrows off. No more fried turkey for us.
47. My sister decided to give her kids money instead of getting them Thanksgiving gifts this year. The kids loved their cash so much they started throwing it in the air at dinner, yelling “Make it rain turkey and gravy!” Dollar bills landed in the mashed potatoes.
48. I accidentally burnt the rolls one Thanksgiving so I tried to scrape the black pieces off and salvage them. My dishonest act backfired when everyone bit into crunchy charcoal pieces hidden in their rolls. Lesson learned.
49. My cousins Tyler and Alicia got into a massive Thanksgiving Day fight over the wishbone – they both gripped an end and pulled too hard, snapping it in half. Tyler freaked out because legend says the bigger half grants your wish. Both cousins wished the other would move far away.
50. One Thanksgiving, dad was so determined to carve the turkey perfectly, it took him almost two hours. By the time we finally started eating, the entire meal was cold and we were starving. Dad’s turkey carving obsession always ruins the holiday.
51. On Thanksgiving morning we realized our 24 lb turkey wouldn’t thaw in time. We had to take a hair dryer and heat lamp to it for hours. The still-frozen bird caught fire in the oven but we somehow managed to save Thanksgiving!
52. We always get a fresh, organic turkey from a local farm for Thanksgiving. Last year, when we unwrapped it at home, we found a live possum stuffed inside. The turkey had become this possum’s new home.
53. Dad was so excited to use his new high-powered turkey fryer on Thanksgiving this year. Unfortunately, the propane tank exploded, destroying our garage door. I think dad is now banned from ever frying a turkey again.
54. My sister is hosting Thanksgiving this year and she’s cooking everything in her new air fryer – turkey, mashed potatoes, pie, you name it. She says deep fried air is the healthiest way to enjoy a fried feast. I have my doubts.
55. On Thanksgiving morning our black lab ate the entire 20lb turkey off the kitchen counter while we were getting dressed. We had to order pizza but used the leftover stuffing and sides to make ourselves improvised hot turkey sandwiches. Good thing we have a backup plan every year!