Tequila Puns
1. I only drink tequila on days that end in Y.
2. What do you call a tequila with a torch in it? A lightquila.
3. Why was the tequila bottle so popular at the party? It had a great personality.
4. I asked the bartender for something to make me look cool. He suggested a sunglasquila.
5. My friend got too drunk on tequila last night. Now he’s feeling very unwellquila.
6. I’d tell you a joke about tequila, but it’s a shot in the dark if you’ll think it’s funny.
7. What do you call a tequila that helps you relax? Chillquila.
8. Why shouldn’t you drive after drinking tequila? You might end up in Jaquila!
9. What do you call a tequila that makes you feel energized? A double esquilada.
10. Why was the tequila upset? It was having an identity quila crisis.
11. I asked for a tequila on the rocks and the bartender brought me a boulder. Worst gequila ever.
12. What do you call a tequila-drinking ghost? Booquila.
Tequila One-Liners
13. Tequila is like a crazy ex-girlfriend – fun at first but leaves you with regrets.
14. I don’t always drink tequila, but when I do, I end up calling my ex at 3am.
15. Tequila is Spanish for “I’m going to be showering in my clothes tonight.”
16. Tequila: Because sometimes you need to make worse decisions.
17. Tequila: Gasoline for my inner party animal.
18. I love tequila – it’s like liquid bad decisions in a bottle!
19. Tequila – helping ugly people have sex since the 1500s.
20. Tequila tastes like regret and bad decisions…delicious.
21. Tequila: Helping sorority girls make their Walk of Shames since the 1930s.
22. Tequila is fun today but hangover hell tomorrow.
Best Tequila Jokes
23. A man walked into a bar and asked for a shot of tequila. The bartender poured it and said, “That’ll be $10.”
“But I paid only $5 yesterday!” the man exclaimed.
“Ah, but that was before the crisis,” replied the bartender.
24. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. That’s how you count shots, right?
25. A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple tequila. The bartender lines up 3 shots and the guy downs them one after another. He does this 3 more times. After the last one he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
26. My friend thinks he’s so cool just because he can handle his tequila better than me. But really, it’s nothing to get wasted about.
27. What’s the difference between tequila and government bonds? The tequila matures in months and the bonds mature in years.
28. I was feeling sick last night so I took a shot of tequila. It was actually a bad idea in hindsight, but it seemed like a shot in the dark that might help.
29. Why does tequila have a worm in it? It’s there to show you what’ll happen to you if you drink the whole bottle.
30. A man stumbles up to a cop after a long night of drinking and says “Excuse me officer, can you tell me what bar I was in last night?”
The cop takes one look at him and replies “By the shape you’re in I’d say you were in the BOOM-BOOM Room.”
31. A girl says to the bartender “I’ll have a double tequila on the rocks!” The bartender replies “I’m gonna need to see some ID for that miss.” The girl says “Oh sorry, make that a single tequila.”
32. My three favorite things are tequila, dancing in the rain, and not wearing pants.
33. I was at a bar and asked for their most expensive tequila. The bartender said “I think you mean cheapest.” I said “I know what I said.”
34. What do you get when you cross tequila with a Jeep? A car that takes you up rocky roads and down bumpy hills at night without headlights.
35. Why does tequila have a sombrero on the bottle? So you have something to throw up in after you drink too much.
36. A cop sees a drunk guy trying to unlock his car. The cop asks “Is this your car sir?” The drunk says “Maaaaybe.” The cop replies “Okay, well using these keys I’m going to try and unlock it for you.”
37. A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of tequila. The bartender pours him one and says “That’ll be $15.” The guy is shocked. “But I just paid $10 for tequila here last week!” The bartender replies, “Inflation my friend.”
38. What’s the difference between tequila and a Harley Davidson motorcycle? Tequila doesn’t skid if you spill it.
39. Why do they put slices of lime in tequila? It’s to hide the taste of the tequila.
40. A police officer sees a drunk man intently staring at a bottle of tequila and asks him, “Did you know that tequila is the devil’s water?” The drunk slurs, “Man, I ain’t buying that watered down stuff.”
41. How is tequila like a tornado? At first there’s a lot of blowing and sucking but when you wake up your trailer’s gone.
42. What’s the difference between a good tequila and a bad tequila? Good tequila makes you feel like eating tacos in the morning. Bad tequila makes you feel like you ARE a taco in the morning.
43. My friend got pulled over by a cop after having one too many margaritas. The cop knocked on her window and said, “Tequila mockingbird!”
44. I only drink tequila twice a year – when it’s my birthday and when it’s not.
45. What do tequila and I have in common? We both make girls seem hotter at 2am.
46. How are tequila and a traffic light similar? You better stop after three shots.
47. A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “I got so drunk on tequila last night that I blew chunks.” The bartender says, “Ah man, that’s disgusting!” The guy replies, “Yeah I know but Chunks is my dog’s name.”
48. What’s the difference between John the Baptist and a margarita? John the Baptist said no salt on the margarita glass rim.
49. A cop pulls over a drunk driver who smells like a distillery. The cop says, “How much tequila have you had tonight?” The drunk responds, “Just a couple of fingers.” So the cop says, “Well which is it – a couple or fingers?”
50. Did you hear about the agave worm that walked into a bar and ordered a tequila shot? The bartender said “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
51. Why does tequila have a worm in the bottle? It’s there to show you your future if you keep drinking.
52. I was so hungover from tequila last night that this morning getting out of bed to pee took everything I had. And getting back into bed took everything I had left.
53. What tastes better than tequila? More tequila.
54. A cop sees a drunk guy trying to unlock a car. “Is this your car, sir?” asks the cop. “It isssss now officer.”
55. My doctor told me I should quit drinking. I said doc, are you trying to kill my social life? He said, “No, but tequila might.”
56. How do you know you drank too much tequila? When you blow a .2 and the cop says “You realize how alive you are right now?”
57. I only take tequila shots if they’re 100% agave. I always check twice to make sure it’s all agave to me.
58. What do you call a drunk guy trying to make micheladas? A mezcalmaniac.
59. Why do tequila bottles have worms in them? It’s so drinkers can see themselves in the morning.
60. Why does my phone keep autocorrecting “tequila” to “bad ideas”? It knows me so well.
61. The problem with tequila is that after the first shot you think “hmm that wasn’t so bad” then several shots later it hits you like a train filled with regret.
62. I asked the bartender to surprise me and he made me a “What Did I Do Last Night” with tequila, orange juice, andSETTINGS. It tasted like a bad decision.
63. My friend got so drunk on tequila that he was slurring “Yo quiero Taco Bell.” That was his subtle way of saying he needed to use the restroom quickly.
64. I’m swearing off tequila for good this time. What do you mean “this time”? I’ve never tried quitting before now.
65. The problem with doing tequila shots is I always lose count somewhere after “uno, dos…”