Taxi Puns
1. I heard Uber and Lyft are merging to form one company called Uft.
2. I was going to tell a joke about taxis, but it wasn’t fare.
3. Did you hear about the taxi driver who got arrested? He was charged with meter fraud.
4. A taxi driver decided to quit his job because it wasn’t driving him anywhere.
5. Why don’t taxis have any cheese in them? There’s no room for queso in the car!
6. Did you hear about the new taxi company for dogs? It’s called Puber.
7. I wanted to share my idea for an all-female taxi service, but it doesn’t seem to carry any weight.
8. The taxi driver wasn’t familiar with the area and ended up going the wrong way. I guess he didn’t know the root of the problem.
9. I heard a taxi company fired one of their drivers for stealing gas. But he said he was just fueling around.
10. The taxi driver got confused by all the one-way streets and went in circles. I guess he was lost in a maze of his own devise.
Taxi One-Liners
11. I took a taxi today and the driver told me, “I love my job, I’m my own boss.” So I said, “Where to next, boss?”
12. I asked the taxi driver to turn on the radio, and he said “No problem, but it will cost you 10 dollars.” I replied, “Forget it, turn off the meter instead.”
13. I told the taxi driver I wanted to go somewhere expensive and classy. He took me to the gas station.
14. My taxi driver started singing along to the radio. I asked him to drop me a mile away from my destination.
15. I was in a taxi today and the driver said to me, “I went to an art gallery and saw a picture I really loved but had a huge price tag.” I said, “I know how you feel!”
16. A taxi driver told me today, “I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.” I responded, “Wow, that’s incredible!”
17. I asked the taxi driver to play some jazz music. He said, “I don’t have a saxophone in my car.”
18. The taxi driver was in a joyful mood, so I said, “It looks like someone’s excited for the weekend!” He responded, “No, I just farted.”
19. I tried to start a conversation with my taxi driver, but he just mumbled, “Red light” whenever we stopped at a red light.
20. I was shocked when the taxi driver told me the fare and then started singing “Highway to Hell.”
Best Taxi Jokes
21. A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, drove up on the sidewalk, and stopped just inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, “I’m sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day driving a taxi – I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”
22. A taxi driver was waiting outside a famous 5-star hotel when he saw a well-known politician come out, so he drove up to her and offered his services. She asked, “How much to drive me to the airport?” He said, “30 bucks.” She said, “That’s outrageous! How come?” He responded, “Because 10 bucks is standard rate, and then I charge per question mark.”
23. A man gets into a taxi at an airport and asks the driver to take him to his hotel. On route, the man starts a conversation and asks the taxi driver where he is from. The taxi driver says Pakistan. The passenger gets angry, shouts at the driver and says, “I don’t want to give my money to terrorists!” Then he kicks the taxi driver out of the car and takes over driving himself. Ironically, the man ends up crashing the taxi and gets arrested by the police. The police officer asks him what happened, and the man says, “A Pakistani taxi driver was driving erratically so I had to take over to prevent an accident.” The police officer replies, “Sir, this is a Wendy’s drive-through.”
24. A taxi driver was having a bad day and decided to go home early from work. He came to a stop at a red light and closed his eyes to rest for a moment. Suddenly he heard a tap on his window and looked up to see a man asking for a ride. A bit annoyed at having his rest interrupted he grudgingly accepted the passenger. As soon as the man got in and told the driver his destination, the cabbie said “Are you kidding me? That’s the other side of town – you know I don’t work for free!” Then he proceeded to drive off without taking the passenger anywhere. The man walked away muttering under his breath. The next day the taxi driver heard a knock on his door. He opened it to find a policeman who immediately recognised him and said “Hey, I know you, you’re that taxi driver from yesterday who drove off and left your passenger stranded.” The taxi driver replied “Oh no officer, you must have seen my identical twin brother, I’m not even a taxi driver!” The policeman responded “Yeah right, quit lying – get in the car, you’re clearly that same taxi driver from yesterday who abandoned his passenger.” The moral of the story? A cab confesses all!
25. One night, a taxi driver picks up a young couple heading to a fancy party. During the ride, he can’t help overhearing their conversation about how they plan to sneak in some drugs. Wanting to teach them a lesson, the driver stops the taxi halfway to their destination and kicks them out. He yells after them saying, “I hope you learned your lesson about trying to smuggle drugs into a party!” The angry couple slam the door shut and walk away. Just then, the taxi driver hears a tapping on the window and sees an elderly man asking for a ride. The driver smiles, motions for the man to get in, and asks him where he wants to go. The old man replies, “I just got off work at the hospital – could you take me to the local pharmacy please?” The driver obliges and soon arrives at the pharmacy. When he stops the taxi, the elderly man thanks the driver and hands him the fare plus a generous tip. The driver is surprised and says, “Wow – I really appreciate the nice tip, sir!” The old man nods and responds, “It’s the least I could do – you already taught me a valuable lesson about party drugs tonight.”
26. A man hailed down a taxi late one Friday night after a long week at work. As he got in the cab, the driver asked, “Long day?” The passenger nodded and replied, “Yeah, I’m ready to just go home, take a shower, and go right to bed.” About halfway through the ride, the man realized he was really hungry since he had skipped dinner earlier. He leaned forward and said to the cab driver, “Hey man, do you mind stopping at a drive-thru on the way? I’m starving.” The driver shook his head no and responded, “Sorry, I can’t do that. This is the Express taxi – we don’t make stops along the way.” Slightly annoyed, the passenger sat back again. A minute later, he had an idea. He leaned forward again and said, “Hey, I’ll make you a deal – I’ll give you a $20 tip if you wait in the drive-thru line for me at McDonald’s.” The driver thought for a moment but again declined saying, “No can do, buddy – I told you this is Express. No exceptions!” Frustrated, the man sat silently in the backseat for the rest of the ride. When they arrived at his destination, the man angrily shoved $15 into the driver’s hand and stepped out of the taxi, slamming the door. Just as the cab started pulling away, the driver suddenly hit the brakes. He leaned out the window and called to the passenger, “Hey! McDonald’s – you still want to hit that drive-thru?”
27. A man gets into a taxi and the driver won’t stop staring at him. After a few minutes the man asks the driver, “Is something wrong?” The driver replies, “I’m trying to decide if you’re my best friend from high school.” The man says, “What makes you think I could be your best friend?” The driver answers, “Well, Johnny was about your height, always dressed sharp, and became a successful businessman. I also haven’t seen him since our reunion 40 years ago.” The man laughs and says, “That’s an amazing coincidence. I hope you figure it out because Johnny sounds like a great friend.” A few more minutes pass in silence until the driver slams on the brakes and shouts, “I got it! You’re definitely my friend Johnny!” Startled, the passenger asks what made him decide. The driver points to a $100 bill sticking out of the man’s shirt pocket and says, “Johnny was always a cheapskate who never tipped!”