Sunday Puns (10)
1. I heard they’re making Sunday into a two-day weekend. It’s called Sun-Daylight Savings Time.
2. I was going to make a joke about churches and worship, but I decided to let sleeping pews lie.
3. Did you hear about the angry preacher who went on a Sunday morning rant? He was preaching to the choir.
4. My friend got kicked out of church for bringing coffee. I guess he wasn’t prepared for the Fellowship of the Beans.
5. I tried to teach my dog to fetch the newspaper on Sundays, but he kept bringing me church bulletins. He’s so religious!
6. Did you hear about the new supermarket aisle just for Sundays? It’s for all the pray-parations.
7. I was running late for church so I prayed for the light to stay green. God answered and now I have to walk to church. Prayers work in mysterious ways!
8. Why couldn’t the priest get into his church? He forgot his keystone to the pulpit.
9. Did you hear about the greedy church that started charging for seat reservations? They’re charging pew rents now.
10. I tried to donate money to the church in cryptocurrency but they wouldn’t accept it. The priest said tithe-coin isn’t holy enough.
Sunday One-Liners (10)
11. Sundays are meant for worship and praise, not alarms and morning haze.
12. Church coffee is holy water for adults.
13. Priest by day, party animal by night.
14. Sundays are just prep days for Monday blues.
15. Forgot it was Sunday and showed up way overdressed for church.
16. If God rested on Sunday, so should my alarm clock.
17. Sunday is the day I get my weekly dose of guilt and boredom.
18. My Sunday best are sweatpants I only wear once a week.
19. Why can’t every day feel as peaceful as Sundays?
20. I pray for the priest’s sermon to end before I fall asleep.
Best Sunday Jokes (23)
21. A priest was struggling to pay off his church’s mortgage so he decided to open up a florist shop to raise extra money. He called it Flowers from the Pulpit. Business began blooming and soon he was able to pay off the entire mortgage! His shop’s motto was “Our flowers will have you praying for bouquets!”
22. Sarah was running late for Sunday service one morning. She rushed out the door in such a hurry that she showed up wearing mismatched shoes and an old t-shirt. The next week Sarah intentionally wore the same outfit to see if anyone would notice. Sure enough, after service she overheard a member whisper “looks like she rushed out in whatever she had on again this week.” After that Sarah made sure to wake up early on Sundays to avoid another fashion faux pas.
23. A Christian buys a parrot from a pet store, only to find out a few days later that it constantly swears and blasphemes the name of God. He takes the parrot back and tells the store manager he wants a refund or a new parrot. The manager apologizes and tells the man he’ll do better next time. A week later, the Christian goes back to the store and buys another parrot. However, this new parrot also constantly swears and takes God’s name in vain. Furious, the man returns the parrot and says, “I can’t believe you sold me another blasphemous parrot. What kind of pet store are you running?” The manager shakes his head and replies, “I’m terribly sorry sir. I truly don’t understand it. Those two parrots came from the same flock at church!”
24. Martha was a faithful member of her church’s choir, attending practice every Wednesday night and performing beautifully on Sundays. She was punctual, dedicated, and always knew her parts perfectly. However, Martha’s voice was quite shrill and unpleasant to listen to. The choir director kindly took her aside one day and said, “Martha, your commitment to the choir is truly admirable. However, I think your talents may be better used in other areas of the church. Have you considered volunteering for our soup kitchen instead?” Martha got the hint and the next Sunday the choir sounded their best ever!
25. Jake was struggling to stay awake during the church sermon one Sunday when all of a sudden he was startled awake by the preacher shouting “Jake Matthews do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?!” Jake was so disoriented that he automatically shouted back “I DO!” The whole congregation erupted in laughter while his embarrassed wife buried her face in her hands. Needless to say, Jake stayed wide awake for the rest of the sermon.
26. A priest decides to do a demonstration one Sunday by pouring water into a glass. He asks the congregation, “What do you see now?” They reply, “It’s a glass of water, Father.” Then the priest pours some milk into a different glass. “And what do you see now?” he asks. The congregation replies, “It’s milk, Father.” Finally, the priest walks over to a tray of cookies and takes one. As he munches on it, he asks, “And what do I have now?” The choir replies proudly, “A Father with a cookie!”
27. Sarah was nervous about her solo performance with the church choir on Sunday. She practiced day and night to get it just right. Finally, the big day arrived and Sarah sang her heart out flawlessly. However, when the performance ended, she was surprised to hear deafening silence instead of applause. She turned around to see the entire congregation frozen in place, staring up at the ceiling fan above her. A bird had chosen that exact moment to poop all over Sarah during her solo, distracting everyone from the performance itself!
28. When Bill missed several Sundays of church in a row, his pastor decided to stop by for a visit. He found Bill in good health, relaxing on his patio. The pastor asked Bill, “You’ve been absent from service lately. Is everything alright?” Bill nodded and replied, “Oh yes Pastor, I still pray regularly and read scripture, too. But I decided to quit attending actual services.” The pastor looked shocked. Bill continued, “Don’t get me wrong, your sermons are great. But I’ve realized that I was just attending out of guilt and boredom for years now. My Sundays are much more relaxing since I quit going!”
29. On their way to church one Sunday morning, Susan and her husband Bill were arguing about bilboards they had seen recently. Susan hated all the pro-alcohol ads while Bill pointed out ones he liked promoting the zoo and library. This bickering lasted the entire ride and didn’t stop even as they sat down in their pew. Just before the preacher began, Susan and Bill saw the perfect billboard for both of them to agree were horrible. In giant letters it simply read: What Happens At Church Stays At Church – Las Vegas Tourism Commission.
30. Daniel had slept through his alarm and was running extremely late for church one Sunday morning. Not only did he not have time to shower, but he couldn’t find a clean shirt or matching socks in his hurry. As Daniel sprinted into the back of the church twenty minutes late, he was relieved to see that the preacher’s back was turned. Hopefully no one would notice his disheveled state! But his relief quickly turned to horror when the preacher suddenly exclaimed, “And who can tell me what time Daniel woke up for church today?!”
31. The new minister was very disappointed at how few congregants came to services at his new church posting. He asked some of the regular members what he could do to increase attendance. Many blamed the church’s location, while others said the services were boring. However, old Mrs. Johnson piped up, “Pastor, the only way you’ll get more people here on Sunday is to schedule a tornado for 10am sharp.”
32. Father Mike always started each sermon off with a joke, much to the congregation’s delight. One Sunday he began, “I heard a very amusing golfing story recently…” and launched into a long winded tale that had very little to do with religion or morals. After mass, one of the altar boys asked, “Father Mike, I don’t understand how golf relates to today’s readings at all. Why did you tell that story?” Father Mike replied, “It doesn’t really fit, but if I actually told jokes that were liturgically relevant I’d have to use parable-golf!”
33. Leroy goes into a confessional box and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. I cursed someone who cut me off when driving to the church this morning.” The priest responds, “Say 5 Hail Mary’s and attend mass every day this week to repent.” Leroy replies, “But Father, I am Jewish.” The priest says “Then why the heck are you telling me?” Leroy says, “Telling you is part of the deal – I also have to tell a priest.”
34. Sharon is sitting in church when her cell phone suddenly rings loudly. The whole congregation glares disapprovingly while she digs through her purse to silence it. Sharon is extremely embarrassed and vows to be more vigilant. But the very next Sunday, her phone goes off again! This time the pastor says “All those who are sinners, stand up.” And the entire congregation stands up, while Sharon remains seated, grinning. The pastor looks at her and says, “Sharon, I don’t know what you’re so proud of! We all heard your phone ring again!”
35. Rachel’s four year old son was very fidgety and disruptive during church services. No matter how many times she scolded and shushed him, his behavior didn’t improve. Exasperated, she finally took him firmly by the shoulders and whispered, “Timmy, you have to be quiet! God is watching you.” Timmy looked around nervously, then leaned in and whispered back, “Mom, where is God hiding? Is he behind the curtain or under the altar?”
36. A Christian named James decided to wander down the wrong street one day and found himself at the doors of a brothel. He had always secretly wondered what went on inside those places and his curiosity finally got the best of him. The next day James felt horribly guilty about his visit to the den of sin and decided to confess during prayer time at church. “Please forgive me God for I have sinned,” James cried out. Just then the church organist let out a loud flatulent noise that resonated throughout the church. James smiled, raised his eyes upward and thought, “Thanks God, that really helps ease my guilt!”
37. Arnold was annoyed that his teenage son Adam slept in and missed church nearly every single Sunday morning. He decided to teach the boy a lesson by pouring a bucket of cold water on Adam in bed one Sunday to wake him up. However, the next few Sundays passed and Adam kept sleeping through services. Finally Arnold realized the water trick wasn’t working. But the next Sunday, he heard Adam yelp and race down the stairs. “You didn’t pour water on me so I’m up,” Adam told his dad proudly. Arnold just smiled and said, “Nope, but I did light a firecracker under your bed!”
38. A new pastor moved into town and went to visit the local funeral director. He said, “I’m the new pastor, please tell me about the people in this town. Who are the most faithful church-goers that I can count on to attend services?” The director replied, “Well, I’d say there’s the Smiths, the Browns, the McKinleys…” Confused the pastor said, “But those are all names I see on graves in your cemetery.” “Exactly,” replied the director. “Our most faithful members never miss a Sunday!”
39. On the way to church one morning little Johnny saw two dogs mating on someone’s front lawn. Puzzled, he asked his mother what they were doing. Being unprepared for that conversation, his flustered mother replied, “The dog on top just hurt his paw and the other dog is carrying him to the vet.” Johnny accepted this explanation and they continued on. The next Sunday after church, the preacher held Johnny up as an example in his sermon, saying “Let us all be like little Johnny who is so innocent and pure.” That next week, the preacher was visiting Johnny’s house and saw the dogs at it again. He asked Johnny, “What are your neighbor’s dogs doing?” Johnny beamed proudly and said, “That dog on bottom hurt his paw and the other dog is carrying him to the vet!”
40. The church gossip group spent far too much time during and after service discussing fellow members and spreading unsubstantiated rumors. Finally the pastor issued a warning. The next Sunday he told them, “The gossip in this congregation must stop immediately. Next weekend I expect no gossiping whatsoever during service.” The following Sunday the entire gossip circle was silent during mass. Afterwards they gathered and excitedly one woman said, “Oh have I got some juicy gossip to discuss with you ladies next weekend!”
41. A devout church volunteer named James passed away tragically in a car accident one morning on his way to deliver food to the homeless shelter. He arrived at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter escorted him inside, remarking “My you’re early! We weren’t expecting you for another 40 years at least James.” God then came over and warmly greeted James. “Welcome my son. Your devotion and good works have earned yourself immediate passage into heaven.” James looked relieved but also confused. “So I can go beyond the Pearly Gates even though my time on Earth wasn’t up yet?” he asked. God nodded and said, “Yes my son. We always allow in early Christians.”
42. One Sunday a priest decided to give a visual demonstration and hung up a large curtain blocking the altar. He then wheeled a refrigerator in front of the curtain and waited as the organist played a dramatic chord. “Behold!” said the priest, whipping aside the curtain to display the fridge. “This is the curtain behind which I hide all week long, only to dramatically reveal to you my Sabbath snacks.”
43. A priest was walking down the street when he passed a homeless man begging for money. The man’s sign said “I will attend church for food.” Moved with pity, the priest invited the homeless man to his own church that coming Sunday and promised him a hot meal if he came. The bedraggled man actually showed up and sat quietly throughout the entire sermon. He then ate a meal prepared by the church ladies. Before leaving, the man said to the priest, “Thank you for the food and hospitality Father. Your sermon today spoke to me deeply.” Surprised the priest said “Really? You were paying that close attention?” The homeless man nodded excitedly and said “Oh yes! In fact, I may just start coming here every Sunday for the free food and entertainment!”