Star Trek Puns
1. I heard the Enterprise got a new captain. I guess you could say there’s a Picard in charge now.
2. I was going to make a joke about the Borg, but I figured resistance is futile.
3. The Klingons wanted to capture the Enterprise, but their plan was foiled. Get it? Foil-ed.
4. Did you hear about the Starfleet officer who loves plants? He’s a huge botanist.
5. I was telling a joke about the Romulans, but no one seemed to get the Vulcan humor.
6. Why are the bathrooms so clean on the Enterprise? There’s a janitorial Q.
7. Did you hear about the Bajoran who won the lottery? He had the best dabo spin ever.
8. I heard Starfleet is developing a new cloaking device to stay hidden. You could say they’re keeping it on the down-lo.
9. The crew started a band on the Enterprise but had to break up. There were just too many ensigns.
10. Did you hear about the Klingon chef? He was a great worrior.
Star Trek One-Liners
11. Beam me up, Scotty, there’s no intelligent life down here.
12. My doctor says I have two hearts, so I guess you could say I’m Gallifreyan not Vulcan.
13. Houston, we have a problem. Wait sorry, wrong space franchise.
14. Khaaaaaan! Oops, got my space villains mixed up.
15. Live long and prosper. Unless you’re a red shirt, then RIP.
16. Resistance is futile. Unless you’re the Enterprise crew, then resistance is their specialty.
17. Make it so, Number One! Engage.
18. Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor not a miracle worker! Oh wait, wrong sci-fi series.
19. My life for you! Wait, that’s Starcraft.
20. It’s a trap! Uh, wrong space movies, my bad.
Best Star Trek Jokes
21. One day on the Enterprise, Worf and Data were playing chess when Data suddenly got a mystified look on his face and stood up. “Excuse me sir,” he said to Worf, “I believe I am feeling anxiety and distress over the current state of affairs on board the ship.” Worf looked shocked. “But Data, you’re an android, you don’t have emotions!” Data replied: “Precisely. Which indicates something is terribly wrong with the ship.”
22. How is a Klingon like a lemon? When you squeeze them a little, you get a bitter liquid.
23. The Enterprise had just finished cataloging a newly discovered planet when they found a huge deposit of dilithium crystals. Captain Picard called down to Engineering, “Geordi, great news! We’ve discovered massive dilithium deposits. You’ll be able to upgrade all the warp drives.” Geordi responded, “That’s spectacular sir, but we’re going to need more crystals…” Picard interrupted, “No buts Geordi, I’m not dilithium mining.”
24. Why are Klingons never afraid? They have sWorf to protect them.
25. One day, Captain Kirk was feeling lonely so he beamed himself down to a local bar on a nearby planet. He started chatting up a green-skinned Orion slave girl and eventually worked up the courage to ask her if she wanted to beam aboard the Enterprise. She looked puzzled and responded, “What’s the Enterprise?” Kirk was shocked and said, “You don’t know the Enterprise? It’s only the greatest spaceship in the galaxy!” The Orion girl laughed and said, “Oh, so it’s a SPACEship!” Kirk face-palmed – she thought it was just some regular old enterprise the whole time.
26. What do you call a Romulan who doesn’t have a house? Home-less.
27. Why did the Starfleet engineer go to the bathroom with aPADD? He needed to read the schematic.
28. Did you hear about the cross-eyed Vulcan? He couldn’t keep his eyes off the boomerang.
29. A Klingon, Vulcan, and Ferengi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
30. How do the Enterprise crew take stairs? One step at a time.
31. What does a retired Starfleet captain use to wash his hair? Picardy shampoo!
32. Why did Wil Wheaton leave Star Trek? He felt like he wasn’t Wesley enough screen time.
33. Why was Spock afraid to beam down to the planet? There was no logic in it.
34. How does a Vulcan fix a broken communicator? He gets Sarek to take a look at it.
35. Why do Klingons make bad gardeners? They have no patience and can never wait for plants to grow.
36. What’s Captain Kirk’s least favorite exercise? The romulan deadlift. He prefers working his klingons and vulcans instead.
37. Why did the Borg go on strike? To assimilate better wages. Resistance is futile unless we improve worker benefits!
38. Where do crew members on the Enterprise go for drinks after work? Ten Forward of course!
39. Why did Bones make a bad ship’s counselor? Because he had no patients!
40. How many Borg drones does it take to assimilate a Federation planet? Just one if you do it right. Resistance is futile!
41. Why was Worf accepted into Starfleet Academy so easily? He knew how to ace the entrance exam.
42. What do you call a party on Deep Space Nine? A space station.
43. Why was the Enterprise engineer exhausted? He was completely drained after realigning the dilithium matrix.
44. Why did the exploding console throw the red shirt across the bridge? It must have packed quite the punch!
45. What do you call a Herald ship with big ears? A Ferengi Battle Cruiser.
46. Why can’t you hear a pessimistic Betazoid? Their minds are half empty.
47. How do the Borg prepare dinner? They assimilate the ingredients.