Sleep Puns
1. I tried counting sheep but I fell asleep before I could finish.
2. I was so tired last night I fell asleep while my wife was talking. She woke me up in the morning and said “we need to talk.” I hope I didn’t make any promises in my sleep!
3. I hate when I close my eyes at night and all I can see is my to-do list scrolling before me.
4. I drink coffee before bed so I can fall asleep faster. Hey, I didn’t say I fall asleep easily.
5. I love taking naps. It’s my favorite time to sleep.
6. I wish I was a bear so I could hibernate all winter.
7. I heard counting sheep makes you fall asleep. All it does for me is make me hungry for a lamb chop.
8. I used to have insomnia, but I solved it by getting more sleep.
9. I’d tell you a chemistry joke about oxygen, but I doubt you’d get it.
10. I’d tell you a joke about sleep, but you’d never get it.
11. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic!
12. My friend claims he has a sleepwalking problem, but I think he’s just making it up.
13. I tried to sleep like a log last night but I kept tossing and turning.
14. I love sleeping, it’s my favorite unofficial Olympic sport.
15. Sleep is my favorite weekend activity.
16. I wish I could file a restraining order against insomnia.
17. The only thing I consistently do every day is sleep, eat and procrastinate.
18. I’m so excited to go to bed tonight that I’m going to have a slumber party by myself.
Sleep One-Liners
19. Sleeping is my cardio.
20. I wasn’t sleeping, I was just resting my eyes horizontally.
21. Sleep is just practice for being dead, right?
22. I don’t have a snooze button, I have a sleep 10 more minutes button.
23. Sleep? I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
24. I’m not lazy, I’m just energy saving.
25. Sleep? More like hibernation.
26. My bedtime is whenever I can’t keep my eyes open.
27. Coffee first. Adult later.
28. Sleep all day, party all night. Wait, what?
29. My bedtime ritual is staring at the ceiling contemplating my existence.
30. Breakfast is just morning coffee with extra steps.
31. I wasn’t sleeping, I was charging my human batteries.
32. Caffeine is my early warning detection system for low energy reserves.
33. My snoring is just a cry for coffee.
34. Sleeping is just my trial run for being a champion hibernator.
35. My bedtime is whenever my body overrules my poor decisions.
36. Sleep? You mean that thing I do when I’m binge watching shows at 2am?
Best Sleep Jokes
37. I was having trouble sleeping last night so I decided to count sheep. I was up to like 1,432 sheep before I realized they couldn’t jump over the fence because I don’t have a fence or any sheep. The sleep deprivation is really starting to kick in.
38. My friend asked me why I sleep so much. I told him “I’m not sleeping, I’m time traveling to breakfast.” He just shook his head and walked away.
39. Doctor: “How many hours of sleep do you get per night?” Me: “Depends, what part of the day is it now?”
40. I once fell asleep during a business meeting. My boss said “Were you even listening to me?” I said “No, I wasn’t even sleep listening”.
41. I love taking power naps. It’s like transporting into the future…a future where I’m still tired.
42. I wish I could switch to nocturnal sleep mode. My ideal schedule would be awake at night, sleep all day. Who’s with me?
43. I’m the type of person who could fall asleep anywhere. Classroom, meeting room, your backyard…just point me to a flat surface and I’ll be out in minutes.
44. My friend asked me how my sleep has been lately. “Off and on,” I said. He just replied, “that’s generally how sleep works.”
45. There should be a sleep Olympics where you win if you can sleep through anything – alarms, noises, people trying to wake you up. I would dominate.
46. I hate when I’m enjoying a nap and my brain is like “OK we’re all rested up, time to get back to being exhausted!”
47. Doctor: “How’s your sleep quality?” Me: “I don’t know, I’m asleep.”
48. My dream job is professional sleeper. I excel at sleeping deeply, falling asleep fast, and sleeping anywhere. Hire me.
49. What if beds are just domesticated floors? We capture them, cover them with blankets, and sleep on them. Beds are just slave floors.
50. I stayed up wondering where the sun goes at night. Then it dawned on me.
51. I’m not sleepwalking, I’m sleepquesting. My nighttime adventures make sleep an exciting experience.
52. Don’t listen to anyone who says sleeping too much is lazy. I’m not lazy, I’m preserving energy and mental health.
53. Coffee first thing in the morning is just me turning on my human mode after a night of hibernating.
54. My Fitbit congratulated me for reaching my sleep goal. I didn’t even know I had one.
55. I started writing a book called “Guide to Better Sleep”. It puts me to sleep every time I work on it.
56. Roses are red, violets are blue, sleep deprivation, I guess I’ll die soon too.
57. What if beds are jealous of couches because we only sleep with them when we cheat on our beds?
58. My goal in life is to become nocturnal and never see daylight again.
59. Sleep experts always say to stick to a regular sleep schedule. My response is “You can’t tell me how to live my life!”
60. I wish takeout places delivered coffee for mornings when you know you’re going to hate life after your alarm goes off.
61. Coffee and I have a codependent relationship. It enables my sleep deprivation and I enable its existence.
62. My Fitbit congratulated me on reaching my sleep goal, which is hilarious because I didn’t know I had one.
63. I’d tell you about my nightmare from last night but I honestly can’t remember any of my dreams. Just lots of tossing, turning and drooling.
64. Roses are red, sleepovers are fun, sorry I fell asleep at 9pm, let’s try again next time.
65. Sleeping is my favorite hobby, followed closely by napping and dozing off.
66. I’m convinced my bed is madly in love with me. It wants me lying in it all day and holds me hostage when I try to get up.
67. I don’t set an alarm, I set a negotiation for when I beg my bed to let me go.
68. Whoever invented foghorns never had a good night’s sleep in their life, I guarantee it.
69. I’m convinced my sleep paralysis demon is actually my guardian angel holding me hostage in bed because I clearly need the rest.
70. Do blankets get hot at night too or are they cool with just chilling on top of us?
71. I used to think I was nocturnal. Turns out I just have bad sleep habits.
72. I’m so tired that I just tried to unlock my front door by clicking my car keys.
73. My superpower is falling asleep anywhere, anytime. Catch me snoozing on a surfboard.
74. Don’t you hate when you’re enjoying a perfectly good nap and somebody rudely expects you to be awake?
75. I’ve mastered the art of sleeping with my eyes open. Don’t test me.
76. Sleep trackers should have a “hibernation mode” option for peak winter exhaustion.
77. My bed frame identifies as an anarchist trying to overthrow my sleep schedule.
78. I need glasses that let me sleep with my eyes open. They’d be called sleepy specs.
