Simpsons Puns
1. I heard Homer Simpson applied to work at the nuclear power plant again. Talk about having a meltdown!
2. What do you call an angry skunk in Springfield? Pew-d’oh!
3. Why was Marge so upset when Homer brought home a box of donuts? She was expecting choco-latte!
4. How does Bart prank call Moe’s Tavern? With his telemoe-phone!
5. Why does Lisa play the saxophone so well? She has a natural Springfield!
6. What did Dr. Hibbert say when his stethoscope went missing? It must have simp-stolen!
7. Why was Milhouse jealous when Bart got an A on his history test? Because Bart passed and he failed, making him Milhouse Passed-On Van Houten!
8. Why was Homer disappointed when he bought Marge flowers? He was expecting rose bouquets, not daisy bouquets!
9. What do you call Santa’s Little Helper when he falls asleep? A snoozing pooch!
10. Why was Ned Flanders so angry at the barber shop? They left his hair neigh-unkempt!
Simpsons One-Liners
11. I was going to tell a joke about The Simpsons, but the storyline didn’t have a good conclusion.
12. My friend wanted to get rich quick by selling Simpsons merchandise without permission. That’s illegal, bart!
13. I heard The Simpsons live in Alaska now. That’s unpossible!
14. To succeed in life, always remember the three D’s – Determination, Dedication, and D’oh!
15. Woo hoo! Today I learned absolutely nothing useful.
16. Doctor says I need a backeotomy. Ain’t that a pain in the duff?
17. Well, crying isn’t gonna bring him back … unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog!
18. Aw, twenty dollars? I wanted a peanut!
19. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency!
20. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman!
Best Simpsons Jokes
21. Bart Simpson was failing history class, so Homer tried to encourage him: “When I was your age, I was failing history too. But then my dad helped me study and I brought my grades up!”
Bart asked: “How’d your dad help you study?”
Homer replied: “He told me history would be a lot more interesting if I imagined the figures as sexy women.”
Bart thought for a moment and said: “I wish that would work for me, but sexy women remind me of mom.”
22. One day at school, Martin Prince was giving a presentation on medieval torture devices when Nelson interrupted him to say “You’re making me sleepy, Martin! Why don’t you just stick one of those gadgets on me and take a coffee break?”
Martin replied sarcastically: “Oh yes, Nelson, I can see you’d be an excellent test subject to demonstrate the effectiveness of these brutal contraptions.”
Nelson thought for a moment, then said: “On second thought, I think I’ll just take a nap right here instead.”
23. During dinner one night, Lisa confronted Homer about eating too much pork.
“Dad, do you know how smart pigs are? Researchers say they are more intelligent than dogs and even some primates! You really should cut back on the bacon.”
Homer replied: “Lisa, everything I eat is a genius – the chicken farmer down the road is breeding super-intelligent chickens, and that cow I ate last week had a PhD!”
24. In one episode, Homer finds an old coupon for a free glass of Duff beer. He digs it out of his wallet and proudly presents it to Moe at the bar.
Moe looks at the coupon and says: “Sorry Homer, this expired 20 years ago.”
Homer responds: “But dough goes bad, beer doesn’t!”
Moe sighs and says: “Alright, just this once.” And gives Homer his free beer.
25. At the elementary school talent show, Ralph Wiggum performed his standup comedy act.
He walked up to the microphone and said: “Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six offender!”
Ralph waited for laughs but heard only confused silence. “Get it? Because seven ate nine?” Still nothing.
Ralph then blurted out: “When I grow up I want to be a principal or a caterpillar.”
He waited again for laughter but heard only crickets chirping. Dejected, Ralph walked off stage sucking his thumb.
26. At dinner, Lisa confronted Homer about his unhealthy eating habits.
“Dad, did you know the World Health Organization recently declared processed meat a carcinogen?”
Homer replied: “Lisa, everything I eat gives me cancer according to you! Carcinogen shmarcinogen. Mmm, 64 slices of American cheese.”
Lisa shot back: “Well fine, keep eating garbage and you’ll end up with a body like a dump truck.”
Homer paused mid-bite and yelled: “Why you little…!” then proceeded to strangle Bart who was sitting nearby.
27. In one Halloween episode, while trick-or-treating, Homer came across Flanders handing out religious pamphlets instead of candy.
Outraged, Homer said: “If you don’t give my kids candy, then you’re an enemy of Halloween!”
Flanders replied: “But Homer, these Jack Chick gospel tracts promote everlasting salvation!”
Homer grabbed the pamphlets, tore them up into tiny pieces, and declared: “The only tracts I care about are Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups tracks leading to my mouth!”
28. At the nuclear power plant, Homer was undergoing mandatory sexual harassment training. The instructor said: “You must avoid inappropriate physical contact with colleagues and refrain from unwelcome advances or comments.”
Homer replied: “Don’t grab Lenny’s butt, got it. Can I still tell Carl he has a sweet can?”
Exasperated, the instructor said: “No Homer, you cannot comment on a co-worker’s backside.”
Homer grumbled: “Ok fine, I’ll just imagine it quietly.”
29. During a spelling bee, Principal Skinner asked Bart to spell “onomatopoeia.”
Bart confidently stepped up and said: “Ono-mato-poeia. The sound made by tomatoes when you step on them! Splat squish splat.”
Skinner replied: “That is incorrect. Onomatopoeia refers to words that phonetically imitate real sounds.”
Unfazed, Bart responded: “Whatever, I’ve always been more of a ketchup kid anyways.”
30. When Marge discovered mice in the kitchen, she called an exterminator. Homer was reluctant saying: “Those mice ain’t hurting nobody! Let’s keep them as pets.”
Marge replied: “No, Homer. Rodents spread disease.”
Homer said: “Fine, get rid of the plague-carrying vermin. But can we at least hold a viking funeral for them?”
Marge sternly responded: “You are NOT floating mice down the creek in a miniature burning boat!”
Homer grumbled: “Buzzkill.”
31. When the Simpsons’ car broke down, Homer tried fixing it himself but just made things worse. Defeated, he said:
“Stupid car! I’ll show you what happens when you mess with Homer J. Simpson.”
He then kicked the front tire as hard as he could, hurting his toe and yelling “D’oh!” as he hopped around in pain.
Marge cautioned: “That’s what happens when you kick an inanimate object, Homey.”
Homer replied: “Oh yeah? I’ll show you inanimate!” then kicked the tire again, hurting his foot even more.
32. At the school science fair, Ralph Wiggum presented his project on dinosaurs. He pointed to a child’s drawing and said: “This Stegosaurus was herbavorious. That means he only ate herbs like rosemary and thyme because they reminded him of the Cretaceous period.”
The judge looked puzzled and said: “Interesting theory Ralph, but Stegosauruses lived during the Jurassic era, not Cretaceous.”
Ralph replied: “That time travelin’ rascal!”
33. When the church launched a Fatherhood Responsibility campaign, Homer yawned and said: “Responsible fatherhood? That doesn’t sound like any fun. Can’t you throw the word ‘extreme’ in there to jazz it up a bit?”
Reverend Lovejoy replied: “I don’t think we want to encourage EXTREME fathering, Homer.”
Homer grumbled: “You priests take all the excitement out of everything.”
34. At the school career fair, a nuclear engineer said to Lisa: “With your intellect, you could have an enriching career designing nuclear reactors!”
Lisa replied: “A female pursuing nuclear physics? I don’t want to reinforce gender stereotypes AND risk a meltdown.”
The engineer responded: “D’oh, an insightful answer. You’ve clearly considered this carefully.”
35. When Marge took away Bart’s slingshot for misbehaving, he complained: “How am I supposed to arm myself against Nelson now? Hand-to-hand dares are certain doom!”
Marge scolded: “Fists are not the answer! Now please just read a nice book while I do laundry.”
Bart replied: “Ugh, reading won’t get my slingshot back. But laundry could get you to reconsider.”
He then grabbed all the wet clothes from the machine and hid them in the dryer, giggling mischievously.
Marge walked back in and yelled: “Why you little…!”
36. At breakfast, Homer said to Marge: “The toaster isn’t working right, it burnt my Pop Tart!”
Marge said: “Did you lower the setting from dark to light like I showed you?”
Homer replied: “D’oh! I knew it was one of those complicated breakfast machine things.”
Marge joked: “Don’t feel bad, even a caveman could master fire.”
Annoyed, Homer growled and stormed off to get ready for work.
37. At the school dance, Milhouse gathered his courage and asked Lisa: “Would you like to dance with me? I got these blue suede shoes just for the occasion.”
Trying to let him down gently, Lisa said: “That’s sweet Milhouse, but I’m not much of a dancer.”
Milhouse persisted: “C’mon, I practiced my Bartman all week!” Then he started doing uncoordinated hip-hop moves.
Lisa cringed and said: “Let’s just stay friends, ok?” Then walked away slowly.
38. When Flanders invited Homer to his barbecue, he declined saying: “Sorry Ned, but I only attend barbecues that serve enough ribs for Homer.”
Flanders responded cheerily: “No problem neighborino! I have PLENTY of Saint Louis style ribs and Texas brisket. Even your appetite will be satisfied.”
Homer’s eyes lit up and he shouted: “Woo hoo! Now THAT’s a godly amount of meat. I’ll be right over!”
39. At the school science fair, Ralph Wiggum presented on the solar system saying: “First there’s the sun, then Mercury the planet closest to Venus.”
Principal Skinner corrected: “Ralph, Mercury is the planet closest to the sun, not Venus.”
Ralph replied: “Oopsie, you’re right Principal Skinner. I forgot which planet was closest to Uranus!”
Principal Skinner did a facepalm.
40. When Homer saw Bart looking at the spice rack, he said: “Careful with those spices boy, the rosemary and oregano may look weak but they’ve got a real zing to them!”
Bart replied: “Relax Dad, I was just getting the thyme because tonight I’m having rats for dinner!”
He then held up a homemade slingshot and ammo before running off giggling.
Homer yelled after him: “D’oh, you come back here with my spices!”
41. When Lisa became addicted to a video game, Marge scolded her saying: “Young lady, drop that controller! I will not have mind-rotting games in this household.”
Lisa protested: “But Mom, this game teaches typing skills and vocabulary building!”
Marge replied: “Really? Let me see that…” She then tried the game but soon got hooked herself, playing for hours.
42. At the school parent-teacher conference, Mrs. Krabappel told Homer that Bart never does his homework. Homer replied:
“That’s my boy! Homework is just a crutch for teachers who can’t keep kids engaged in class.”
Mrs. Krabappel said sternly: “On the contrary, homework reinforces learning.”
Homer waved dismissively and said: “Ah well, as long as the little rapscallion is havin’ fun.”
Mrs. Krabappel sighed and did a facepalm.
43. When Lisa became a vegetarian, Marge tried to be supportive saying: “If you feel strongly about this, your father and I shouldn’t stop you from doing what you believe in.”
Homer butted in: “Like fun you won’t stop her! As head of this household, I forbid any of that vegetablian nonsense!”
Lisa cried: “Don’t you mean vegetarian?”
Homer yelled: “Potato, potahto! Now enough of this, go grill some burgers.”
Lisa stormed off shouting: “You’re impossible!”
44. When the school announced standardized testing, Bart protested to Principal Skinner: “You can’t judge me with some Scantron sheet! I’m a free spirit, man. I gotta fly by the seat of my pants, not bubbled multiple choice.”
Unimpressed, Skinner replied: “Standardized tests objectively measure competency in core subjects. Now stop complaining and start preparing.”
Bart retorted: “Ugh, you’re bringing me down. I’m going to clown college.” Then walked away sulking.
45. When Homer saw Lisa reading a textbook at the dinner table, he said:
“Hey brainiac, no book learnin’ at mealtimes – that’s family time! Now close that encyclopedia and pass the pork chops.”
Lisa replied: “But Dad, I have to study for a test tomorrow.”
Homer dismissed: “Tests, smests. The only test that matters is whether you can handle your meat like a champ. Now start eating!”
Lisa sighed, closed her textbook and reluctantly began eating.
46. When Marge confronted Homer about gaining weight, he denied it saying: “No way, I’m still as fit as a fiddle! These love handles are just flabby muscle.”
He then attempted to prove his fitness by doing one pushup but quickly collapsed in exhaustion.
Marge crossed her arms and said: “I rest my case. No more pork rinds for you mister!”
Homer wheezed from the floor: “Can’t … reason … with … logic. Must … eat … fried … food.”