Shrek Puns
1. What do you call a sad onion? A shreking onion!
2. Why was Shrek late to the party? He took the onion route.
3. What kind of music does Shrek like best? R&B-gre.
4. How does Shrek keep his swamp clean? With his trusty sham-wow!
5. Why does Shrek smell so bad? He doesn’t shower, he’s layering the stink on!
6. What do you call a baby ogre? A shrekling!
7. Why did Shrek cross the road? To get to the swamp on the other side!
8. What do you get when you cross Shrek with an apple? A sour green grump-kin!
9. Why doesn’t Shrek live in a house? He prefers his mobile ogre-home!
10. Why can’t Shrek wear boxer shorts? Because ogres have layers, not boxes!
Shrek One-Liners
11. Shrek always tells the truth – the whole shreuth and nothing but the shreuth!
12. Shrek thought People Magazine was about cannibalism.
13. Shrek puts the “ogre” in “overachiever.”
14. Shrek is so strong, he ripped a phone book in half – the yellow pages.
15. Shrek is so tough, he eats nails for breakfast – without any milk.
16. Shrek was ugly long before it was cool.
17. Shrek has a face not even a mother could love – but Fiona did.
18. Shrek’s favorite movie? Miss Congeniality.
19. Shrek is so stinky he needs Right Guard and Left Guard.
20. Shrek thought Tinder was an app for starting fires.
Best Shrek Jokes
21. One day Shrek and Donkey were walking through the swamp when they came across Pinocchio face down in the water. “Oh no! Pinocchio drowned!” said Donkey. “Don’t worry, I know CPR,” said Shrek as he scooped Pinocchio up and began pushing on his little wooden chest. Then Shrek put his mouth over Pinocchio’s and started breathing. Suddenly, Pinocchio popped up and started laughing. “Ha! I tricked you, I was just kidding!” A few minutes later as they were walking, Shrek and Donkey came across Pinocchio face down in the water again. This time Donkey said, “Um, Shrek? I don’t think he’s kidding this time.”
22. Shrek was feeling lonely so he put up a profile on a dating site. Soon, he was messaging with a lovely princess named Fiona. After a few weeks, Shrek invited Fiona over for dinner at his swamp. As soon as he opened the front door, Fiona took one look at Shrek and ran away screaming. Shrek sighed and said to himself “I guess the only way I’ll ever find true love is if a princess is cursed by a witch to turn into an ogre every night.”
23. One day, Shrek and Donkey were out on a walk when they found a lamp half buried in the mud. Shrek picked it up and gave it a little rub. With a big puff of smoke, a genie appeared! “Thank you for freeing me from that lamp! In return I will grant you one wish,” the genie boomed. Shrek and Donkey looked at each other in excitement. Then Shrek said, “I wish you would make everybody stop laughing at me and judging me for being an ogre!” The genie replied, “Done! Now no one will judge you.” Shrek smiled and said “Really??” The genie said “No not really. You’re still an ugly ogre!” Donkey busted out laughing as Shrek just stood there fuming.
24. One morning, Shrek woke up and realized he had overslept! “Princess Fiona is going to be so mad, I was supposed to make waffles for breakfast!” he said. He leapt out of bed and ran downstairs, but to his surprise Fiona was already cooking. “Good morning sleepyhead,” she said with a smile. “I already made the waffles so you just relax.” Shrek was touched. “You are literally the best wife ever!” The rest of the day Shrek lounged around while Fiona did all the chores, made him snacks, and gave him a foot massage. That night as they lay in bed, Fiona whispered softly, “So… are you gonna make waffles tomorrow?” Shrek pretended to snore loudly.
25. One day Donkey was playing his favorite game, pin the tail on the ogre. Blindfolded, he spun around and around, tail in hand. Suddenly he felt Shrek’s big belly in front of him. He reached up and stuck the tail right between Shrek’s eyes. “Donkey, you idiot!” yelled Shrek. “Oops, sorry!” said Donkey. But he didn’t sound very sorry as he doubled over laughing. Shrek grumbled as he tore the tail off his face. “Wait a minute… this tail is real!” Donkey’s laughter immediately stopped. “Uh oh…” he said, looking back and seeing he was now tail-less.
26. Shrek loved Halloween, but every year when he tried to scare people they would just run away screaming from his hideous ogre face. One year Shrek got an idea. He dressed up in a nice suit, put on some cologne, and went out trick-or-treating in his nicest and least scary disguise. A woman opened her door and yelled “AAAHH!” before slamming it shut. Shrek stood there stunned and realized she had been afraid of his suit! He took it off and went back to her door growling as an ogre. She said “Oh wait, it’s just Shrek!” and gave him some candy. After that, every Halloween Shrek just went as himself.
27. One day, Shrek and Fiona were invited to dinner at her parents’ castle. Shrek was afraid they wouldn’t like him, so he tried to mind his manners. But during the soup course, he slurped his so loudly that everyone stopped and stared. Fiona kicked him under the table. When Shrek reached for the bread basket, he let out a huge belch. Fiona kicked him again. Finally, during the main course, Shrek was so nervous that when he reached for his goblet, he knocked it over, spilling wine everywhere. Fiona kicked Shrek hard and hissed “What are you doing??” Shrek sighed and said “Just trying to make a good first impression!”
28. Shrek loved scary movies, but he could never find one that actually scared him. One night Donkey came over with a movie called Human Centipede and convinced Shrek to watch it. “This will freak you out for sure!” Donkey said. So they sat down with a big bowl of popcorn and started the movie. Within the first 5 minutes, Shrek was already laughing. “This isn’t scary, it’s just gross!” Donkey insisted they keep watching. An hour later the movie was over and Shrek shrugged. “Meh, I’ll give it 2 out of 5 ogres.” Donkey just shook his head, realizing nothing could scare the big green monster.
29. One day, Shrek was strolling through his swamp when he spotted something sparkly on the ground. He bent down and picked it up. It was a beautiful diamond ring! “Donkey, get over here!” Shrek yelled. “Look what I just found, a diamond ring!” Donkey’s eyes went wide. “Wow, that must be worth thousands of gold pieces!” he said. Shrek nodded. “I’m going to use it to propose to Fiona and make an honest ogre out of her!” That night at dinner, Shrek got down on one knee and presented the ring to Fiona. She gasped “Oh Shrek, it’s lovely! But… isn’t this the Duloc Daycare Center’s field trip tour group ring?” Shrek’s face fell as he realized she was right.
30. Shrek and Donkey were hanging out when Donkey said, “Hey Shrek, what do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey?” Shrek thought about it and replied, “I don’t know, what?” Donkey said, “You get an onion that makes you cry when it talks!” Then he started laughing hysterically at his own joke. But suddenly he noticed Shrek glaring at him. Shrek grabbed Donkey by the tail and dunked his head into the swamp water. As Donkey thrashed around yelling, “Glub glub!” Shrek said, “That joke wasn’t even funny. You donkey!”
31. One day, Shrek and Fiona were invited to have dinner with Fiona’s parents. Shrek was very nervous and wanted to make a good impression. When they arrived, the servants took Shrek’s vest and Fiona’s coat to hang them up. A few minutes later, a loud burp was heard from the coat room. The king raised an eyebrow and looked at Shrek, who smiled awkwardly. Later, when they all sat down at the table, there was a very long loud fart. The king turned red with anger and looked at Shrek, who shrugged innocently. After dinner, Shrek leaned over to Fiona and whispered proudly “I think your dad really likes me!”
32. Shrek loved going to all-you-can-eat buffets. One day he strolled into the Pasta Palace ready to pig out. He piled his plate high with spaghetti and meatballs, lasagna, ravioli, and more. But before Shrek could take one bite, the manager rushed over. “Sir, I’m afraid I have to ask you to leave,” he said. “Why?” asked Shrek. “Because you’re going to eat us out of business!” the manager replied. Shrek was so offended that he ate the entire buffet out of spite, then went home and took a long onion-scented bubble bath.
33. One day, Shrek and Fiona were invited to a fancy royal ball. Shrek didn’t want to go, but Fiona said they had to make an appearance. At the ball, all of the kings, queens, and nobles kept giving Shrek strange looks and wrinkling their noses. Shrek stepped onto the dance floor with Fiona, then suddenly cut a loud juicy fart. The music screeched to a stop as everyone stared at him in horror. “Uh, whoopsie!” Shrek said with a chuckle. “Come on Fiona, time to bounce!” They hopped on Donkey and rode away, laughing hysterically.
34. Shrek and Donkey were out on a leisurely stroll when they came across a group of fairies dancing in a circle. “Let’s go say hello!” said Donkey. But as they got closer, the fairies spotted Shrek and flew away in terror. “Aw, they’re just intimidated by my raw ogre masculinity,” Shrek said confidently. “Actually I think it’s your raw ogre stench,” Donkey replied. Shrek frowned and gave Donkey a big shove. Donkey went tumbling into a mud puddle. When he emerged covered in mud, Shrek laughed and said “Look Donkey, now you can stink just like me!”
35. One day, Shrek saw a help wanted ad that said “Knight needed to rescue princess from dragon.” Shrek hurried to the castle and announced “I’m here to save the princess!” The king took one look at Shrek and said “No way, only Prince Charming can rescue her!” Shrek punched down the castle door, barged into the dragon’s keep, and came out carrying the princess. As Shrek presented her to the astonished king he said “Hey, an ogre’s gotta make a living too.” Then Shrek tipped his hat and swaggered away as the princess waved dreamily.
36. Shrek loved telling bedtime stories to the ogre triplets. One night he gathered them round and said “Once upon a time there were three little pigs. And Daddy was the big bad wolf who HUFFED and PUFFED…and ATE THEM ALL UP!” The triplets shrieked and hid under the covers. Shrek chuckled. “And they were delicious! Now go to sleep my little ogre nuggets.” Fiona poked her head in the door and whispered “Shrek! Stop traumatizing our children!”
37. One day Shrek and Fiona were invited to brunch by the king and queen. Shrek was trying his best to charm them, but he accidentally knocked over his glass of juice right onto the queen’s lap! As the queen jumped up shrieking, Shrek grabbed a giant waffle off a serving platter and tried to mop up the mess, smearing syrup and fruit all over her expensive gown. As she wailed in distress, Shrek smiled awkwardly and said “Wow, I guess that’s what they mean by ‘waffle house!'” Fiona face-palmed.
38. Shrek and Donkey were hanging out when Donkey saw a fast food ad on TV. “Hey Shrek, check it out, it’s your relatives!” teased Donkey. Shrek looked over and saw the ad was for “McOgre’s – 500 Sloppy Sliders for $5.” Shrek growled angrily at Donkey. “Oh yeah? Well your relatives are on TV too!” Shrek changed the channel to the Horse Channel. Donkey’s ears drooped sadly as he watched horses grazing in a field. “Good one, Shrek,” Donkey sighed.
39. One day Shrek and Fiona were invited to the debutante ball for Prince Charming’s daughter. Shrek didn’t want to squeeze into fancy clothes but Fiona made him wear a tuxedo that was 5 sizes too small. “Suck in that gut or you’ll pop a button!” Fiona scolded as Shrek turned red trying to hold his breath. At the ball, Shrek tried to be polite but he accidentally burped while asking the duchess to dance and farted loudly when bowing to the queen. Fiona yanked Shrek outside and hissed, “For once can you not be a complete ogre?”
40. Shrek and Donkey were camping when they heard wolves howling. “Quick, get in the tent!” Shrek yelled. But when they zipped it up, the wolves pounced and shredded it with their claws and teeth. Shrek and Donkey held on to each other and trembled as they waited to be devoured. Suddenly one wolf stopped and said, “Eww, something smells nasty, guys!” The other wolves sniffed the air and growled in disgust. “Ugh, it’s that ogre, let’s get out of here!” they said as they all ran away covering their noses. Shrek grinned proudly at Donkey. “My stink strikes again!”
41. One day Shrek entered an arm wrestling contest at the local tavern. He easily defeated every competitor until the last round against a huge muscle-bound ogre named Crusher. The match started and Crusher immediately slammed Shrek’s arm down! Everyone gasped as Crusher flexed his massive biceps. But then Shrek ripped off his vest, revealing his saggy green beer belly. The crowd groaned and covered their eyes at the gruesome sight. Crusher became so nauseous he had to run outside to puke. Shrek was declared the winner by default!
42. Shrek and Donkey were at a county fair when Donkey spotted a dunk tank. “Check it out Shrek, it’s the princess dunk tank!” teased Donkey. Shrek looked over to see Princess Fiona sitting perched over the water, waving and blowing kisses. Shrek swelled up with rage and growled, “Oh yeah, two can play at that game!” He threw a ball with all his might, hitting the target dead center. Fiona plunged into the water with a huge splash. She emerged spitting mad, her pretty gown all soaked. “That’s what you get Fiona!” yelled Shrek triumphantly.
43. Shrek was bored and decided to get a pet. At the shelter he said, “I’ll take the ugliest, nastiest animal you’ve got!” They brought out a scrawny hairless creature that looked like a deformed rat. “He’s perfect!” cried Shrek. But when he took the creature home, Donkey freaked out. “Shrek, that’s not a pet, it’s a naked mole rat!” Shrek just shrugged and said, “Same difference.” Then he gave his new buddy a big sloppy ogre kiss right on the wrinkled head as Donkey nearly gagged.