Ship Captain Puns
1. I asked the ship captain how much food was on board. He said there was a ship-load!
2. The ship captain was feeling nautical today. He said he was feeling a little port side.
3. Why was the ship captain wearing his dress uniform? He wanted to look ship shape!
4. Why did the ship captain put wheels on his ship? He wanted to try out a new cruise control system.
5. How does a ship captain keep track of his vessels? With a ship log!
6. The ship captain got injured while thinking about ocean currents. It was his own fault for being too deep in thought.
7. The ship captain with Tourette’s was known for his colorful sailor speak.
8. Why was the ship captain acting so fishy? He was caught in a net full of red herrings.
9. The ship captain tried wearing an eye patch to look more pirate-y. It turned out he didn’t have the depth perception for it.
10. The ship captain decided to quit apologizing for everything. He wanted to stop saying he was ferry sorry.
11. The ship captain loved hosting onboard karaoke nights. He was a big fan of sailor song.
12. The ship captain bought a parrot to keep him company. Now he has someone to talk to buoy to buoy.
13. Why was the ship captain wearing so much gold jewelry? He wanted to look like an old salt with a lot of booty.
14. The ship captain liked maneuvering through tight spaces. He was good at making stern-way turns.
15. The ship captain kept bragging about sinking enemy submarines. I told him to quit being so full of himself.
Ship Captain One-Liners
16. You know you’re a ship captain if your favorite band is Anchors Away.
17. Ship happens when you’re a captain.
18. A ship captain’s autobiography: from deckhand to demand.
19. A ship captain’s dating profile: men want me, fish fear me.
20. Ship captains never ask for directions, they just wing it.
21. Behind every great pirate, there is a ship he hijacked from a captain.
22. A ship captain’s favorite soda: 7 Up!
23. Ship captains are seamaniacs.
24. The couple met on a dating app for seafaring types called First Mate.
25. A ship captain’s computer password: harbor123
26. Ship happens when you party too hardty on shore leave.
27. A ship captain’s favorite TV show: Gilligan’s Fleet
28. If ship captains wore makeup it would be CoverGirl.
29. A ship captain’s favorite board game: Risk with bonus nautical edition.
30. What do ship captains do in their spare time? Create their own crafts and sailor them on Etsy.
Best Ship Captain Jokes
31. A ship captain noticed his first mate was looking troubled one day. “You look like you’re carrying the weight of the anchor. What’s going on?” The first mate replied “It’s the crew sir. They just don’t respect you anymore since we hit that iceberg and sank the ship.” The captain frowned and said “I know morale is low since the accident, but it’s important we rebuild trust as a crew.” The first mate nodded and said “You’re right, I’m just feeling down in the dumps.” The captain clapped him on the back and said “Cheer up! Our ship may be at the bottom of the ocean but our spirits don’t have to be!”
32. A ship captain was admiring his vast collection of maritime maps. Just then, his first mate burst into the cabin looking panicked. “Captain, a massive storm just appeared out of nowhere! We need you on deck right away!” The captain calmly rolled up his maps and said “I was just preparing for a rain day.”
33. A ship captain was looking to hire a new crew. During one interview he asked the sailor “What would you do if a sudden storm sprung up on the starboard bow?” The sailor replied “Harness the power of the winds to increase our speed and reach the destination faster.” Impressed, the captain said “Welcome aboard!”
34. One day the lookout shouted “Captain! There’s a pirate ship approaching on the port side!” The captain bellowed “Ready the cannons and prepare to be boarded!” The rookie sailor said “But captain, shouldn’t we try negotiating with them first?” The captain laughed heartily and said “Good one! I see you’re well-versed in pirate humor!”
35. A ship captain and his crew were exploring uncharted waters when they came upon a giant whirlpool. The captain assessed the situation and gave the order: “Bring her about starboard and ride the outer current! We’ll bypass this maelstrom!” The crew collectively saluted and said “Aye aye, captain!” Then they all worked together to safely steer clear of danger.
36. One day a ship captain noticed his first mate staring intently at the horizon with a concerned look. “What’s troubling you sailor?” asked the captain. “There be a terrible storm brewing ahead” said the first mate grimly. The captain grinned and said “What better time to sing a shanty and swab the deck! We’ll weather this storm same as all the rest.”
37. A ship captain and his first mate were looking over a map of nearby islands when the captain’s parrot landed on the table. He started squawking loudly and pecking at one island repeatedly. The captain raised an eyebrow and said “Well blow me down, I think the bird be trying to tell us something important!” Sure enough, when they investigated the island they discovered buried treasure.
38. A ship captain was reviewing the cargo manifest with her first mate. He pointed out they were low on rum rations. The captain frowned and said “Then it’s time we weigh anchor and hoist our sails! We sail for the nearest tavern portside!” The crew cheered at their captain’s sense of priorities.
39. One day a ship captain noticed a crew member swabbing the deck with a feather duster. He yelled “A feather duster be no way to swab a deck you scallywag! Where’s your self respect? Get a proper mop!” The sailor said “But captain, this is how I stimulate my ingenuity and creativity.” The captain rolled his eyes and said “You can stimulate creativity in the galley tonight by creatively mopping it 50 times!”
40. A ship captain was woken up in the middle of the night by his worried first mate. “Captain! Come quickly, there’s an emergency!” The captain bolted out of bed yelling “Abandon ship!” Only once they were in the lifeboats did the first mate clarify it was just a small kitchen fire.
41. One day a ship captain walked onto the deck just as a massive wave crashed onto it, sweeping a sailor overboard. The captain immediately yelled “Quick, throw the poor man a life preserver!” The crew looked around confused until the captain clarified “…Oh sorry, I meant throw the poor PRESERVER a man!”
42. A ship captain was inspecting his vessel when he noticed a lifeboat was missing. He rounded up his crew and said “Alright, which one of you bilge rats stole the lifeboat?” The crew all shrugged innocently until one sailor raised his hand and said “Aye captain, it was me. I just wanted to live a little.”
43. A ship captain was looking for recommendations for good books to read at sea. His first mate suggested “How about Moby Dick?” The captain frowned and said “Isn’t that the story about obsession leading to ruin?” The first mate nodded and said “Good point captain, best avoid any books about whales.”
44. One night a ship captain was woken by his first mate yelling “Enemy submarines off the port bow, captain!” The captain squinted through his telescope and said “No, those are just dolphins swimming alongside us.” The first mate sighed and said “Sorry sir, I’m just extra jumpy ever since our ship got attacked by kamikaze whales.”
45. A ship captain was browsing job listings with his first mate. He pointed to an ad seeking a riverboat captain. His first mate said “But captain, operating a riverboat is very different from piloting a seafaring ship.” “How hard can it be?” scoffed the captain. “It’s just like sailing but with less anchor management!”
Ship Captain Puns
46. Why was the eco-friendly ship captain feeling blue? He was down about his carbon fin print.
47. Why are ship captains bad at checking their email? They prefer to stay offline.
48. How do ship captains like their eggs cooked? Poached on the open sea.
49. How does a ship captain keep their vessel COVID-safe? With lots of deck sanitizers.
50. Why do ship captains make bad boyfriends? They love the sea more than you.
51. What’s a ship captain’s favorite marine creature? The octo-pie!
52. How can you identify a ship captain at a party? They’ll be the ones saying ahoy to everyone.
53. Where do ship captains go for fun? The bay clubs.
54. How do ship captains take their coffee? Black, like a moonless night at sea.
55. Why are ship captains so good at video games? All those hours navigating the high seas improves their hand-eye coordination.
And that’s 55 funny ship captain jokes to keep you entertained! Whether you’re a sailor yourself or just enjoy maritime humor, this captainly collection has plenty of puns, one-liners, and short jokes to tickle your funny bone. So set sail into these laughs and enjoy smooth shipping!