Scissors Puns (15)
1. I entered a scissor cutting contest but it ended up being a huge ripoff. All the judges did was cut me out of the competition.
2. My friend got frustrated trying to cut wrapping paper with some cheap scissors. I told him not to worry about it and just keep trying – after all, Rome wasn’t cut in a day!
3. I was looking for a new pair of scissors so I went to the store and asked the clerk if they had any really sharp ones. He said, “These scissors are so sharp they’ll cut through paper like it wasn’t even there!” I said, “Yeah…that’s typically what scissors do.”
4. I was excited when I bought a new pair of golden scissors until I got home and realized they were all metal and barely cut anything. Talk about false advertizing!
5. Did you hear about the angry barber that went on a scissor rampage? He was absolutely cutting mad!
6. I entered my family pie recipe into a bake-off contest but they told me it was disqualified because I didn’t cut enough corners.
7. Did you hear about the scissor company that had to recall 200,000 products? They really botched that one up and ended up taking a huge cut to their profits.
8. I was trying to cut out paper snowflakes but my scissors were so dull. I guess you could say I was feeling blunt about the whole crafty experience.
9. Did you hear about the fight between the two pairs of scissors? It ended up getting pretty edgy.
10. I’m not surprised scissors haven’t changed much over the years. After all, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!
11. Did you hear about the chef that tried using scissors to cut meat? I guess you could say he really butchered that dish!
12. I entered my pet iguana in a reptile beauty pageant but the judges cut him from the competition in the first round. It was a cold blooded move if you ask me!
13. Did you hear about the crazy scissor lady? People say she runs with scissors and cuts corners wherever she goes!
14. I wanted to cut up an old T-shirt to use as rags but my scissors just couldn’t seem to make the cut.
15. Did you hear about the sword that got into a fight with scissors? It ended up getting totally edged out.
Scissors One-Liners (10)
16. I was going to make a joke about scissors, but it’s probably best if I cut it out.
17. They say the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but I find scissors quicker.
18. I bought my scissors on clearance, which explains why they’re always cutting corners.
19. Don’t run with scissors, unless you’re entering a running with scissors marathon, then it’s mandatory.
20. They told me to count to 10 when I’m angry, but I only made it to 9 because scissors don’t have fingers.
21. I tried to use scissors to cut pizza and let’s just say it ended in a slice of drama.
22. Don’t bring scissors to a knife fight, bring glue – because that’s just weird and will throw them off.
23. Scissors – they cut, they slice, they even work well as a makeshift throwing weapon in a pinch!
24. Scissors beat paper, big deal – I can still beat both with a sledgehammer.
25. They say the pen is mightier than the sword, but scissors beat them both easily.
Best Scissors Jokes (24)
26. A man walked into a barbershop and asked for a haircut. The barber reached for his scissors but accidentally knocked them off the counter and onto the floor. The barber stared at the scissors for a few seconds before looking up at the customer and saying, “You’re gonna have to wait a bit, it seems my clippers have fallen.”
27. Billy was eagerly waiting all week for arts & crafts day at school. When the day finally arrived, the teacher placed a pair of safety scissors at each desk and said they could make whatever creations they desired. Billy’s friend Johnny immediately started cutting out shapes from construction paper but no matter how hard Billy tried, he couldn’t get his scissors to cut anything. Frustrated, he broke down crying. The teacher rushed over and asked what was wrong. Billy looked up at her with tears in his eyes and sobbed, “My scissors are broken, I can’t make beautiful art like the other kids!” The teacher picked up Billy’s scissors, snipped them a couple times to demonstrate they worked, and said, “These scissors aren’t broken Billy, they just don’t cut paper very well because they are safety scissors.” Billy stared back confused and said, “Well that seems like a design flaw.”
28. Did you hear about the boy who angered a pair of scissors? He ran away scared they were going to cut off his allowance.
29. A preschool teacher was working with her students on their scissor skills. She put blunt, round-tipped safety scissors on each table and encouraged the children to have fun cutting shapes out of colored paper. Little Timmy was struggling to make any cuts at all with his scissors. The teacher said, “Keep trying Timmy, your scissors might be a little dull.” Timmy looked up at her and said in frustration, “I can’t cut anything with these stupid scissors…they suck!” Taken aback, the teacher replied, “Timmy, we don’t use words like that in class. Let’s try to find a nicer way to say your scissors aren’t working well.” Timmy thought for a moment before saying, “These scissors are completely inadequate and a rather poor cutting implement.”
30. Martha was sewing a dress for her daughter but was having trouble cutting the fabric smoothly with her worn-out scissors. Each cut was ragged and uneven. She decided to head to the store to buy a new, sharp pair of shears. The salesperson showed her several options and recommended a top-of-the-line pair guaranteed to cut flawlessly. Martha was impressed but hesitated when she saw the price – $150! That seemed outrageous for scissors. The salesperson could see Martha’s apprehension and said, “I know it seems expensive, but you have to pay for quality. These scissors will still be cutting perfectly 20 years from now. Buying a cheap pair means you’ll just end up frustrated and back here again soon to replace them.” Convinced, Martha bought the pricey shears. Over the next few weeks, Martha was amazed at how beautifully the new scissors cut through fabric. Her sewing projects had never looked so professionally finished. She realized the salesperson was right – paying more had been worth it. One day, Martha’s daughter walked in carrying the new scissors and said, “Mom, these scissors you bought are amazing! I just used them to cut construction paper for my school project and they worked better than any scissors I’ve ever used before. Thanks for getting these!” Martha just stared, flabbergasted.
31. Tom was eagerly waiting for the kindergarten graduation ceremony. His 5 year old daughter Emma was graduating and he couldn’t have been more proud. All the students walked across the stage to receive their diplomas. When Emma made her way to the front, the teacher handed her a pair of safety scissors instead of a diploma. Confused, Tom leaned over to the parent next to him and asked, “I’m not sure what’s going on…why did she get scissors instead of a diploma?” The other parent laughed and said, “Don’t worry, the scissors are symbolic – handing them out represents the kids moving on from kindergarten and being ready for the big responsibilities of first grade.” Tom sighed and said jokingly, “Well that’s a relief! For a second there I thought my daughter was held back or something.”
32. Why don’t scissors need to rest? Because they have two sharp points!
33. What sits on a fence and cuts hair? A barber-ed wire fence!
34. How do scissors speak? In snippy tones.
35. Why don’t eggs tell jokes to scissors? They’d crack up!
36. Why can’t scissors ride bikes? Because they are two-tired!
37. Why don’t scissors like getting into fights? Because they get cut up too easily.
38. Which monument do scissors hate visiting? Mount Rushmore – those stony faces really get under their blades.
39. What do you call scissors that have lost their sharpness? Blunt force trauma!
40. How do scissors stay healthy? Daily cuts of exercise.
41. Why don’t scissors chew gum? Because they could get themselves into a sticky situation.
42. Why did the scissors cross the road? To get to the cutting edge.
43. What do you call an unfunny joke told by scissors? Cutting room floor material.
44. Why don’t scissors make good dancers? Because they are always cutting in!
45. Which contractual agreement can’t be cut with scissors? A blood pact.
46. Why are scissors so nosy? They are always trying to get the inside scoop.
47. Why did the stylist quit her job at the salon? Her scissors were so dull she couldn’t cut it there anymore.
48. What do you call scissors that argue constantly? Bicker snippers!
49. Why are scissors so bad at telling lies? Because they have a sharp point.