Science Puns (30)
1. I told my friend I was making a battery out of household items and she said, “That sounds positively negative!”
2. Why was the capacitor wearing loose pants? Because he wanted to get more capacitance!
3. What do you call someone who loves algebra? A formula one fan.
4. Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia? Because it’s pretty basic stuff!
5. I was going to tell you a chemistry joke, but I knew I wouldn’t get a reaction.
6. What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of helium? HeHe
7. Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry!
8. Why can’t you trust atoms? They make up everything!
9. What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium.
10. I told my friend 10 sodium jokes, but he only reacted to Na of them.
11. Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize? Because he was outstanding in his field!
12. Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too!
13. Did you hear about the guy who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now!
14. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent!
15. Why can’t bicycles stand up on their own? Because they’re two tired!
16. Did you know scientists have actually managed to cool something down to absolute zero? It was 0K.
17. Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry!
18. Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? To win the No-bell prize!
19. I invented a new word today – Plagiarism!
20. Why do fish make great rocket scientists? Because they’re naturally great at math.
21. Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have some water too.” The first scientist dies.
22. What does the astronaut see on his pizza? The saucer!
23. Why was the astrophysicist frequently arrested? He had way too much space on his hands!
24. Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft? Because he conditioned it!
25. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus!
26. Why can’t bicycles stand up on their own? Because they are two tired!
27. I wanted to make a science joke, but all the good ones Argon!
28. What do chemists do when they are constipated? They take a laxative.
29. Why was the mathematics book sad? It had too many problems!
30. Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry!
Science One-liners (22)
31. Parallel lines have so much in common … it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
32. I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
33. Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.
34. What did one chemist say to the other? We’ve got good chemistry together.
35. Why should you never trust atoms? They make up everything!
36. Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at!
37. Did you hear about the astronomer who studied stars from his basement? He was an astro-not!
38. My friend says I have a problem with mathematical warping, but that’s a complete distortion of the facts!
39. Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? To win the No-bell prize!
40. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet!
41. What rock group has four guys that don’t sing? Mount Rushmore!
42. Want to hear a joke about potassium? K.
43. I used to have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
44. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything!
45. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!
46. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus!
47. Why did the scientist install a knocker on his front door? To win the No-bell prize!
48. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
49. I used to have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
50. Parallel lines have so much in common… It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
51. I tried making a belt out of watches once. It was a waist of time.
52. Did you know if you cut off a snake’s tail it can still hear you? Yeah, they just go deaf after that.
Best Science Jokes (52)
53. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it’s a pretty good working solution.
The physicist comes next and makes a circular fence, explaining that it’s more optimal mathematically.
Finally, the mathematician stands up, thinks for a minute, and then builds a fence around himself. He declares, “I define myself to be on the outside.”
54. Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
55. Newton: “I’ve discovered the laws of motion!”
Einstein: “Great, now I’ll discover the laws of emotion!”
56. A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
57. There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
58. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
59. Heisenberg and Einstein are driving down the highway when they get pulled over. The cop walks up to the window and asks “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg replies, “No, but I know exactly where I am!”
60. An electron and a positron walk into a bar.
Positron: “You’re round.”
Electron: “Are you sure?”
61. Helium walks into a bar, The bartender says “We don’t serve noble gases in here.” Helium doesn’t react.
62. Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting “Oh no, I forgot to feed the dog!”
63. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies, “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
64. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl” ?
The logician replies: “yes”.
65. An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humor from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
66. A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells “We got it!”
67. An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. He goes back to bed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.
68. An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time. The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over distance. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
“Why the thermos bottle?” the others asked.
“Because the thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
The others said, “Yes, that’s how it works, but what’s so great about that?”
The mystic replied, “Think about it. How does the thermos know?”
69. Newton, Einstein and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting so Newton goes and hides under a bush. Pascal runs away and hides behind a tree a long way away. When Einstein is done counting he finds Newton immediately. Newton stands up and shouts at Pascal “You dummy, you should come hide under this bush with me. We want to win this game!”
70. There are three kinds of people in the world: Those who are good at math and those who aren’t.
71. An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician spend the night in a hotel. At 3am the fire alarm goes off.
The engineer wakes up, smells the smoke, looks at his watch, calculates how long it will take for the building to completely burn down, gathers his belongings and leaves the building in the most efficient way.
The physicist wakes up, smells the smoke, makes some measurements, calculates thermal conductivity of all materials involved, computer models the whole situation and takes the exact actions needed to maximize his chances of survival.
The mathematician simply turns around to fall asleep again and mumbles: “The solution exists…”
72. What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!
73. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton stands right in front of Einstein and draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground around himself. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”
74. A programmer’s wife tells them: “Run to the store and grab some eggs. Oh and while you’re there grab some milk.”
The programmer never returns.
75. What did the science book say to the math book? Man, do you have problems!
76. A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe watching the traffic outside. They see two people drive up in a truck, get out, and go into a nearby building. A few minutes later, three different people drive up in the same truck, get out, and go into the building. Five minutes after that, yet another group arrives in the truck and goes into the building.
The biologist says, “They must be reproducing in there!”
The physicist says, “There must be some kind of dimensional portal inside.”
The mathematician says, “If one more group arrives in that truck, it’ll be empty again.”
77. Why doesn’t light have mass? Because it doesn’t matter.
78. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are asked to hammer a nail into a wall.
The engineer goes to build a universal automatic nail hammering machine.
The physicist does a bunch of calculations regarding acceleration and force needed to hammer the nail into the wall.
The mathematician draws a box around himself and the wall, and declares the nail hammered.
79. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material.
The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence, reasoning that it’s a pretty good working solution.
The physicist comes next and makes a circular fence, explaining that it’s more optimal mathematically.
Finally, the mathematician stands up, thinks for a minute, and then builds a fence around himself. He declares, “I define myself to be on the outside.”
80. What’s the difference between a physicist and an engineer? If you give an engineer a barrel of water, they’ll give you 99% of the water back as steam. If you give a physicist a barrel of water, they’ll give you 101% of it back as ice.
81. An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are hunting ducks. The engineer shoots first but
