Sailor Puns (15)
1. I wanted to join the Navy, but I got cold feet. I guess I have a fear of water.
2. The sailor was an expert knot tier. You could say he was well versed in maritime affairs.
3. The sailor’s favorite drink was rum and coke. He called it cap’n and cola.
4. The sailor loved eating clams. You could say he was a fan of shellfish.
5. The sailor had a parrot that would repeat everything he said. It was his ship’s repeating parrot.
6. The sailor started selling selfies on his ship. He called it his ship’s elfies.
7. The sailor wore an eye patch but had perfect vision. He just liked to accessorize with a naval flare.
8. The sailor was stranded on a deserted island. He had to learn how to co-co-nut to survive.
9. The sailor’s favorite movie was Titanic. He said it really floated his boat.
10. The sailor fell overboard and had to swim back to the ship. It was quite the overboard experience.
11. The sailor’s ship deployed a new anchor. He called it the starboard of the new anchor.
12. The sailor started a blog about knots. It quickly garnered a following and he knoticed a spike in traffic.
13. The sailor had a pet goldfish he brought aboard. He called it his poop deck carp.
14. The sailor got nervous every time he had to walk the plank. He was bad at plunking himself into the water.
15. The sailor loved singing sea shanties. You could say he was well versed in maritime melodies.
Sailor One-Liners (18)
1. I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious when boarding a ship on Friday the 13th.
2. My sailing instructor told me knot to panic if my boat capsizes. That’s some solid advice.
3. They say sailors have a girl in every port. I just have seasickness in every port.
4. I was going to join the Navy, but realized I get sea sick in the bathtub.
5. I wanted to be a sailor, but turns out I’m allergic to seamen.
6. I tried sailing once. Apparently “starboard” doesn’t mean the fancy dining area on the ship.
7. My idea of swabbing the deck is hitting “mop” on my Roomba app.
8. My maritime knowledge begins and ends with the song “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”
9. I wanted to be a sailor, but I kept failing the sobriety test.
10. I get seasick just looking at boats on dry land.
11. Sailors have a tattoo for crossing the equator? The only line I’ve ever crossed is the rope at the amusement park.
12. Tried loading cargo onto a ship once. Turns out I have horrible dinghy aiming skills.
13. My maritime hands aren’t meant for sailing. They can barely handle holding this rum and coke.
14. Don’t ever play poker with a sailor. They’re way too good at bluffing.
15. My sailing instructor’s favorite knot was the sheepshank. I preferred the bowline because it was simpler to tie.
16. Tried setting the sails once but ended up with more holes than fabric. The wind passed right through my sail fails.
17. My idea of being a sailor is turning on a fan and staring at the ripples in my bathtub.
18. Sailors have to swab the deck. I have to swipe the screen of my phone.
Best Sailor Jokes (25)
1. An Admiral visited one of the ships under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit. He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
“It’s easy,” said the Chief. “I just slap each biscuit with a thimble that has the insignia on it, and there you have it!”
The next morning, the Admiral returned to the ship and was welcomed by the Captain. He then noticed that the ship insignia had been stamped on the Captain’s bald head. He asked the Captain how this had occurred.
The Captain explained, “Well, sir, while you were gone I stopped by the galley this morning and asked the Chief cook how he stamped the biscuits with the Naval insignia. He happily showed me how it was done, but in the process, he slapped me on the head instead of the biscuit!”
2. An Admiral is carefully inspecting a submarine. He’s particularly interested in the toilet facilities, and he tests the toilets thoroughly. When he emerges from the bathroom, the Captain salutes him and says, “I hope everything met with your approval, sir!”
“Well, yes,” the Admiral replies. “But I did notice something. When I flushed the toilet, an air bubble came up and popped beside me. Is that normal?”
“Oh, yes sir!” the Captain says. “That’s just Harold, our ship’s mascot. He likes watching everything that goes on here.”
The Admiral thinks this is a little odd, but decides not to make an issue of it. A few weeks later he’s at the sub dock and sees the submarine pulling in. He figures this is a good time to follow up on the mascot situation.
He calls the Captain over and says, “Captain, the last time I was here, I noticed you had a mascot named Harold. When I used the toilet, an air bubble popped up beside me. You said Harold liked watching everything that went on. I found that disconcerting. Have you done anything about it?”
The Captain grins and says, “Oh yes, Admiral! We’ve made some changes. Harold’s head now only comes up to right here!”
3. An Admiral visits one of the ships under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew, he sees that someone has carved the letters S.H.I.P. into the butter. Angrily, he demands to know who did it.
A nervous crew member steps forward and confesses. The Admiral scolds him harshly and tells him he will be punished.
After finishing his breakfast, the Admiral goes to inspect the rest of the ship. But everywhere he looks, he sees the letters S.H.I.P. carved into surfaces. On the walls, on doors, on railings, even on the Captain’s back as he bends over to pick something up.
Fuming, the Admiral storms back to the mess hall and bellows “Alright! Who is responsible for carving S.H.I.P. everywhere on this vessel?!”
The crewman who originally confessed meekly replies, “That would be me sir. Ever since you punished me for it this morning, I’ve had nothing to do but ship ship ship!”
4. How do you know there is a sailor at your door?
They knock like this: *taps fist against door 4 times rhythmically*
Knock knock knock knock
5. An Admiral walks into a pub and orders everyone a round of drinks.
“Thanks for the drinks, sir,” says the bartender. “What’s the occasion?”
“My ship just successfully completed our most dangerous mission yet,” the Admiral replies. “We managed to sail right through a fierce storm without any damage or casualties.”
“Well that certainly calls for a celebration!” says the bartender. “I bet your crew was very relieved to make it through safely.”
“Oh, they don’t know about it yet,” the Admiral chuckles. “They’re still out there riding it out.”
6. A sailor walks into a bar carrying a large steering wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender sees him and says, “Hey fella, you do know you have a steering wheel down your pants?”
The sailor responds, “Aye, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
7. An Admiral was visiting one of the ships in the fleet. During his inspection, he noticed that several of the junior officers had tattoos of a particular sailor girl in various poses. He decided to question one of them about it.
“Son, I’ve noticed that you and some of the other officers have tattoos of the same scantily clad woman. Can you explain?”
The officer turned red and fidgeted nervously. “Well sir, it’s like this. We all served on the USS Cheyenne before being assigned here. And Cheyenne, well….she’s special sir.”
The Admiral arched an eyebrow. “Oh? How so?”
The officer gulped. “Um, Cheyenne keeps us safe sir. We figure the tattoos bring us luck.”
The Admiral nodded thoughtfully. “I see. Carry on then.”
After the inspection, the Admiral went to see the Captain of the ship. “Captain, I’m a bit concerned about the propriety of those female tattoos I saw on several junior officers. Do you think we should put a stop to it?”
The Captain shifted nervously. “Well sir, the situation is like this…” He proceeded to undo his jacket and show the Admiral his own tattoo of the scantily clad sailor girl named Cheyenne.
“Cheyenne keeps us safe sir,” the Captain said.
The Admiral nodded. “Say no more Captain. I think we’ll just leave that matter be.”
8. An Admiral walks onto the bridge of his flagship one morning and finds the crew gathered around a barrel. The Admiral walks over and sees it’s filled to the brim with coins.
“What’s all this about?” he asks. “Why is there a barrel of money on my bridge?”
The Captain steps forward. “It’s the crew’s solution for reducing swearing, sir. Every time someone curses, they have to put a dollar in the barrel.”
The Admiral considers this for a moment and then nods approvingly. He likes creative solutions.
A few minutes later, the ship’s navigator rushes onto the bridge in a panic.
“Sir, we have a big problem! We’re off course and sailing straight into some rocks that could sink the whole ship!”
The Admiral’s face turns red with anger. He turns to the navigator and yells:
“Well f$#@, why don’t you turn this mother@#$&ing ship around before we all die you worthless piece of s%$#!”
The crew stood in stunned silence as the Admiral emptied his pockets into the swear barrel.
9. An American Admiral was visiting a Russian submarine and having lunch with the officers. During the meal, the Russian captain poured vodka for everyone.
The Admiral declined and said “Sorry, but I don’t drink on duty.”
The Russian captain laughed dismissively. “Don’t drink on duty? What does it matter? We are hundreds of feet below the sea, cut off from the world! No one will know!”
The Admiral politely held up his hand. “With all due respect captain, I made a commitment to not drink while serving. My integrity matters more than my surroundings.”
The Russian officers murmured amongst themselves, impressed by the Admiral’s discipline. The captain raised his glass and proclaimed:
“A toast to our honored guest, a man of true duty and character!”
10. An Admiral was reviewing some new recruits on the deck of a naval ship:
Admiral: “Son, what would you do if you looked out from the ship and saw an enemy vessel fast approaching?”
Recruit: “Sir, I would take immediate evasive action!”
Admiral: “What would you do if a sudden storm came upon us while at sea?”
Recruit: “I would batten down the hatches and secure all essential equipment, sir!”
Admiral, pointing over the side of the ship: “And what would you do if you saw a shark swimming towards us?”
Recruit: “Sir, I would alert you right away so you could handle it!”
11. An Admiral walks into a pub and sits down next to an elderly sailor. He orders two pints and slides one to the sailor.
“I don’t think I know you,” says the Admiral. “What ships did you serve on?”
“Oh, I served on many ships,” replies the sailor. “But the one I remember most was the HMS Adventure. She was a fine vessel.”
The two chat late into the night, sharing tales of their times at sea. Finally, the Admiral notices the time.
“Well, this has been fun, but I should head home. It’s getting late,” he says, standing up from his barstool.
“Till we meet again.”
The sailor salutes him. “Fair winds and following seas, Admiral.”
As the Admiral begins walking home, it suddenly dawns on him – the HMS Adventure was a ship that sank over 80 years ago! He rushes back into the pub, but the mysterious old sailor is gone.
12. An Admiral, a Commander, and a Lieutenant go out drinking one night. They get completely wasted. The next morning, they wake up in jail with no memory of what happened.
In court, the judge asks the Admiral what happened. “I have no idea your honor, the last thing I remember was sitting in the bar.”
The judge accepts his answer and turns to the Commander. “Do you remember what led to your arrest?”
The Commander says “The Admiral and I were just having some drinks your honor. I don’t recall anything else.”
Finally, the judge addresses the Lieutenant. “Well Lieutenant, what’s your story?”
The Lieutenant replies “Sir, I don’t want to throw the Admiral or Commander under the bus. But I do recall enough to make the following moral judgment: we were all very drunk, and should have known better than to get behind the wheel of that tank!”
13. One day, an Admiral is standing on the bridge of his flagship, peering out at the sea through a telescope. He turns to his first mate and says:
“Bring me my red shirt.”
The first mate fetches the red shirt and helps the Admiral put it on. All the sailors on the bridge exchange glances, wondering why the Admiral has requested his red shirt.
Later that day, the lookout shouts that an enemy fleet is approaching. The Admiral immediately calls his crew to battle stations. A fierce fight ensues, but the Admiral’s fleet emerges victorious, sustaining only minor damage. The crew cheers their Admiral for his brilliant tactics.
Afterwards, the first mate asks the Admiral: “Sir, I must know – why did you specifically request your red shirt before the battle today?”
The Admiral grins and responds:
“So that if I were wounded, my crew wouldn’t see me bleed and lose morale.”
The first mate is awed by the Admiral’s tactical wisdom and selfless leadership.
14. An Admiral calls a seasoned old Chief Petty Officer into his office. He tells the Chief that his sailors don’t show proper respect.
“I want you to make sure they learn some discipline! Go do whatever is necessary to ensure these sailors learn to show the proper respect.”
The Chief smiles. “Aye aye sir!” And goes about his work.
The next morning, the Admiral arrives bright and early to the ship. He is greeted by the sight of a life raft, ropes, and an old bell.
The Admiral sees the Chief and asks what it’s about. “Well sir, I tried explaining discipline, I tried lecturing them…none of it worked. So I decided more drastic action was needed.”
The Chief motions toward the equipment. “Now the sailors will have to prove their abilities before coming aboard. Let me demonstrate.”
The Chief hops in the raft, paddles away from the ship, and rings the bell. One of the deck sailors throws him a line, and he climbs back aboard.
The Admiral chuckles. “I like your creativity Chief, but don’t you think this is a bit extreme?”
“With due respect Admiral,” the Chief says, “this isn’t designed for the sailors. This is for you, sir.”
15. One night an Admiral boards his