Ruler Puns (12)
1. I wanted to measure how long my friend could hold his breath, but I couldn’t find a ruler long enough!
2. My teacher asked me to measure the height of our classroom in centimeters, but I used inches instead. I guess I didn’t rule that one out correctly!
3. I was hoping to impress my date with my 12-inch ruler, but she saw right through my exaggeration. My ruler came up short.
4. When I couldn’t find my ruler, I tried using a banana instead. But it led to some inaccurate fruit measurements.
5. The ruler factory had to shut down – things got out of hand and there were too many close calls.
6. I entered my ruler in a beauty pageant. It didn’t win, but it did come in 1st place.
7. My ruler isn’t feeling well today. I think it’s coming down with a bad case of the measles.
8. I accidentally sat on my ruler and bent it. Now all of my measurements are a little off.
9. I tried to use a snake as a ruler, but it kept slithering away before I could get an accurate measurement.
10. The ruler checked into a hotel. The receptionist asked, “How long will you be staying?”
11. I glued my ruler to the table so it would stop running away when I tried to use it. Now it’s stuck in its ways.
12. My ruler and I got into an argument. It was definitely over the line.
Ruler One-Liners (15)
13. I brought my ruler to the gym – it wanted to get more defined abs.
14. My ruler is completely spineless and folds under any kind of pressure.
15. I accidentally washed my ruler with my clothes – now it has shrunk an inch.
16. My ruler loves social events because it’s great at measuring a room.
17. My ruler ran away to join the circus as a sword swallower.
18. I took my ruler skydiving – it wanted to feel the drop.
19. My ruler is writing an autobiography called “12 Inches and Beyond.”
20. I wanted to get my ruler some glasses but it already had perfect 20/20 vision.
21. My ruler spends hours at the gym working on its bicep curls.
22. I caught my ruler stealing centimeters from the other rulers when no one was looking.
23. My ruler likes pretending to be a Transformer – Ruler in disguise!
24. Don’t trust an angry ruler – it will fly off the handle at the slightest thing.
25. A psychic told my ruler it would have a very long life line.
26. My ruler loves watching longitudinal documentaries.
27. My ruler refused to get vaccinated because it didn’t want any more shots.
Best Ruler Jokes (29)
28. I was feeling down so I talked to my 12-inch ruler. It gave me some perspective and cheered me up instantly.
29. My ruler got arrested for assault. Apparently it beat up the new guy – a meter stick.
30. I once knew a really lazy ruler. It only used inches because it didn’t want to go the extra mile.
31. My ruler failed out of college. It majored in measurement but didn’t have enough degrees.
32. Did you hear about the ruler who got a job as a talk show host? He measured up to the competition.
33. My wooden ruler retired after years of service. You could say it finally had its fill of measuring boards.
34. I tried to teach my dog to use a ruler but he kept chewing it up. I guess you can’t teach an old dog metric system.
35. Did you hear about the ruler who left his wife for a shorter woman? He wanted to see other inches.
36. My metal ruler got a job at the airport. Turns out it was great at screening measures.
37. I accidentally left my ruler out in the sun and now it’s warped. It just doesn’t measure up anymore.
38. Did you hear about the ruler who was bad at math? He had no concept of length or width.
39. My ruler friend is so short-tempered. Whenever I try to get close to him, he flies off the handle.
40. I told my ruler to lighten up and be more flexible. It told me that went against its principles.
41. My ruler was arrested on charges of assault and battery. The cops measured the crime scene in excruciating detail.
42. I couldn’t find my ruler anywhere. After looking all day, I was ready to rule it out completely.
43. My ruler came from a broken home. His dad was a yardstick and his mom was a meter stick.
44. My ruler gets nervous whenever I take it out. It has social anxiety measuring up in public.
45. I accidentally threw my ruler in the dryer. Let’s just say it shrank under pressure.
46. My ruler and I got into a big argument that ended our friendship. I guess some lines just shouldn’t be crossed.
47. I asked my ruler to join my construction crew but it refused to work. It only deals in concrete measurements.
48. My ruler friend is so arrogant. It thinks it’s so much greater than everyone else.
49. I wanted to take my ruler on a cruise but it doesn’t float well in water. Too bad it lacks buoyancy.
50. My plastic ruler melted in the sun. What a poor heat capacity!
51. I tried to use a rope as a ruler but it was always twisted and knotted up. I guess it lacked precision.
52. My metal ruler got demoted at the factory after making too many mistakes. Turns out it had poor calibrations.
53. I wanted to enter my ruler in a marathon but it didn’t have the stamina to go the distance.
54. My ruler suffers from depression and anxiety. It has a lot of issues to measure up.
55. I tried to get my wooden ruler to lighten up and bend the rules a bit. But it refused to deviate from the set standard.
56. My pocket ruler thinks it’s so superior, just because it comes from good lineage. I had to remind it we’re all 12 inches.