Rabbi Puns
- What do you call a rabbi who works as a DJ? A spin rabbi!
- Why shouldn’t you ask a rabbi to hold your bagels? They would just rabbi them!
- How does a rabbi keep his beard looking neat? With rabbi tape!
- What do you call a sleepy rabbi? A napbi!
- What do you call a rabbi that likes exercising? A gym rabbi!
- What do you call a rabbi riding a bike really fast? Rabbi on a cycle!
- Why can’t rabbis become lawyers? Because they always hebrew the rules!
- What do you call a rabbi who does magic? Houdini the Rabbi!
- What did the rabbi say when he won the nobel prize? Oy vey, I won!
- What do you call a rabbi who meditates? Ohm rabbi ohm!
Rabbi One-Liners
- I asked my rabbi if he could recommend a good book – he said the Torah is the only good book you’ll ever need.
- My rabbi friend got angry when I accidentally stepped on his beard – he said facial hair is sacred.
- My rabbi always says we shouldn’t dwell on the pastrami.
- I was going to make a joke about rabbis but I koshered it.
- My rabbi told me I’m not allowed to smoke weed but he lets me eat edibles on special occasions.
- My rabbi started rapping in temple last week – his rhymes were straight fire but I don’t think it’s appropriate.
- My rabbi told me he’s quitting to become a DJ – he’s calling himself DJ Mitzvah.
- Don’t ask Rabbi Cohen for fashion advice, he’ll just tell you to wear tzitzit.
- Rabbi Finkelstein loves baseball but will only support the Jerusalem Giants.
- Rabbi Schwartz’s sermons go on for so long, it’s a real schlep.
Best Rabbi Jokes
1. Rabbi Bloom was starting his lesson when little Saul raised his hand. “Rabbi, my father says you don’t work, you just sit around and tell stories!” Rabbi Bloom smiled and responded “Let me tell you a story about that…”
2. Moshe came running into temple shouting “Rabbi! Rabbi! There’s a fire at Rosenberg’s deli!” The rabbi looked up calmly from his prayer book and said “What’s that got to do with me? I don’t own the place.”
3. Rabbi Silverman realized he was running late for Shabbat services when he couldn’t find his yarmulke anywhere. He ran out the door bare-headed when he bumped straight into Rabbi Goldberg. “Oy vey, I can’t find my yarmulke!” Rabbi Goldberg handed him a kippah and said “Don’t worry, be kippah.”
4. The congregation was startled when Rabbi Weiss suddenly shouted “Oy gevalt, I forgot to prepare my sermon for today!” He paused, then continued “But you know what? God will provide.”
5. Rabbi Levy was leading a tour of Israel when one of the tourists asked “Why do some Orthodox men have those curly sideburns?” The rabbi tugged on his own payot and replied “It’s called payot. We grow them because in Leviticus, God prohibits shaving the corners of your head.” The tourist frowned and asked “But isn’t that outdated?” Rabbi Levy smiled patiently. “In Judaism, we don’t pick and choose which rules to follow. We follow all 613 commandments given in the Torah.”
6. Moshe was alarmed when he walked into Hebrew school and saw Rabbi Schwartz wearing a Santa Claus costume. “Rabbi, what are you doing??” Rabbi Schwartz chuckled. “Don’t worry Moshe, I’m dressing up for Purim!” Moshe frowned. “Purim was six months ago…”
7. Rebecca’s friends dared her to ask Rabbi Grossman what the meaning of life is. During her Bat Mitzvah lesson, she nervously raised her hand and posed the question. The rabbi leaned back in his chair and stroked his long beard pensively. After a moment, he smiled and said “That, my child, is a very good question. Why don’t we discuss it over leftover cake?”
8. The congregation held their breath as Rabbi Friedman unveiled his long-awaited masterpiece sculpture. Unfortunately, it was just a giant menorah made out of popsicle sticks. Rabbi Friedman beamed proudly. “It took me two months!” Everyone forced a polite smile.
9. Rabbi Cohen was startled when he walked into the sanctuary and saw the cantor dancing on the bimah in a crop top. “Cantor Sarah, what on earth are you doing?” She kept dancing and gestured at him wildly to join her. Rabbi Cohen shrugged and started busting out his best moves. You’re never too old to get down at the synagogue!
10. Rabbi Goldstein was leading Shabbat services when suddenly all the lights went out. The room was pitch black. “Well folks, looks like we’re just going to have to pray in the dark tonight!” He announced cheerfully. The congregation chuckled. Leave it to Rabbi Goldstein to make light of any situation.
11. Jacob was surprised to see Rabbi Klein chugging a beer at the ball game. “Rabbi, I thought drinking was against our religion?” Rabbi Klein laughed. “It’s kosher beer, my boy! But let’s keep this between us.” He winked and offered Jacob a sip.
12. Rabbi Levinsky’s phone went off right as he was about to lead Maariv prayers. The ringtone was “Hava Nagila.” Red-faced, he silenced it and chuckled nervously. “I guess I should have put it on silent, folks!” After the service, everyone begged him to set their ringtones to “Hava Nagila” too.
13. Moshe was shocked when he walked past Rabbi Weinberg’s office and saw the rabbi watching Seinfeld clips on YouTube. Rabbi Weinberg quickly minimized the window when he noticed Moshe. “I was just, uh, studying the cultural references so I can relate better to the youth!” Moshe laughed. “Sure Rabbi, your secret is safe with me.”
14. Rachel’s jaw dropped when she saw Rabbi Schwartz walk into temple wearing spotless white Nike sneakers. “Rabbi, I thought rabbis were supposed to wear black shoes!” Rabbi Schwartz looked down at his feet and grinned. “What, these old things? I just wanted to wear something a bit more comfortable today.”
15. Rabbi Goldberg raised his glass and toasted “L’chaim!” at his nephew’s bar mitzvah. His sister frowned disapprovingly. “It’s a little early in the day for whiskey, don’t you think Abe?” The rabbi just laughed. “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere!”
16. The temple president walked into Rabbi Greenwald’s office and found the rabbi playing solitaire on his computer. Flustered, Rabbi Greenwald fumbled to close the game. “Sorry about that! I was just, uh, testing out this…electronic card catalog system. For the library!” The temple president rolled his eyes and sighed.
17. Rabbi Silver noticed a glamorous blonde sitting in the front row at Friday night services. After the Oneg Shabbat, he went over to welcome her. “Hi there! Are you new to our congregation?” She smiled and extended a manicured hand. “I’m Tiffany. I’m not Jewish, I just came to see if Jewish men really do make the best husbands!” Rabbi Silver blushed bright red as everyone around them laughed.
18. Moshe was stunned when he walked into Rabbi Goldstein’s living room and saw the rabbi watching TV and eating a ham sandwich. Rabbi Goldstein quickly hid the sandwich behind his back. “Moshe! I was just, uh, closely examining this piece of treif… so I can better explain its forbidden nature to our youth group!” Moshe rolled his eyes. “Riiiiight. Your secret is safe with me, Rabbi.”
19. The temple president called Rabbi Weiss in a panic, saying “Rabbi, we just found out the caterer for tonight’s gala only made traif food! What are we going to do??” Rabbi Weiss calmly replied, “Looks like I’m making a Costco run. Don’t worry, we’ll make it work.” At the gala that night, everyone raved about the rabbi’s kosher Costco creations.
20. Little Ari came crying to Rabbi Levi after Hebrew school one day. “All the other kids say I can’t play dreidel with them because my mom isn’t Jewish!” Rabbi Levi hugged Ari and said gently, “Being Jewish comes from the heart, not just biology. Let me teach you how to play dreidel.”
