75 Funny President Jokes

President Puns

1. Why didn’t the president want to run for a third term? He didn’t want to be in of-FIECE too long!
2. Which president loved horses? Neigh-gan.
3. What do you call a leader who got impeached twice? A peach mint president.
4. What did the president say to the horse? Stop horsing around.
5. Why couldn’t the president throw a retirement party? He was in da Nile about leaving office.
6. How does the president stay in shape? Oval training.
7. Which president loved wheels? Cartin Van Buren.
8. Why couldn’t the president speak clearly? He had a bad typo.
9. What do you call a president who vetoes everything? A bill blocker.
10. Why did the president cross the road? To get to the other side of the aisle.

President One-Liners

1. I asked the president for a raise, but he vetoed it.
2. The president said he was too busy to golf today – that’s an executive decision I can get behind.
3. The president’s approval ratings are so low, his family might actually vote him off the island.
4. The president claimed he was a stable genius – his advisors said he’s certainly one of those things.
5. The president tweeted 37 times before breakfast – looks like someone needs an executive timeout.
6. The president appointed his horse to a cabinet position – just when you think his administration can’t get any more cartoonish.
7. The president just banned a dangerous plant from the US – yep, he declared war on kale.
8. The president promised to run the country like one of his businesses – into bankruptcy then.
9. The president said his words were being twisted by the media – or maybe he just can’t keep his stories straight.
10. The president claimed he has nothing to hide – just 73 boxes of classified documents sitting in his basement.

Best President Jokes

1. An aide came into the Oval Office and said, “Mr. President, there’s a man at the gate demanding to speak to you. He says he is the new president.” The president replied, “Go out there and tell him I already have a job.”

2. After a particularly rough week of scandals in the White House, the president called his advisors into the Oval Office and said, “Look, we need to get out there and really connect with the American people. What do they care about more than anything?” After a moment of silence, one advisor replied, “Having a good job?” The president shook his head and said, “No, what else?” Another advisor chimed in, “Owning a home?” Again the president shook his head. Finally, his chief of staff spoke up, “All the American people really care about is seeing you out of office, Mr. President.”

3. The president was giving a speech and said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for…” then a voice in the audience yelled out “lower taxes!” The president replied, “Hey, that’s not a half bad idea.”

4. The president’s approval rating had dipped below 30% and he was quite upset about it. He called in his advisors and said, “This just won’t do, we need to get more people on my side. Give me some ideas!” One advisor said, “We could lower taxes, sir.” The president frowned, “Been there, done that.” Another advisor said, “We could create new jobs for the middle class.” The president shook his head, “Not enough.” Finally, an advisor said slowly, “We could always…start a war?” The president’s face lit up and he yelled “Now you’re talking!”

5. The president was awakened one night by a phone call from his chief of staff saying, “Mr. President, I’m calling to report a minor security breach.” The president, sounding concerned, said “What is it? What happened?” The chief of staff replied, “Well sir, someone broke into the Oval Office and stole a lamp.” The president breathed a sigh of relief, “Oh, is that all? For a moment I was worried it was something serious.”

6. In the weeks leading up to the election, the president’s aide came into the Oval Office looking worried. “Sir, the latest polls don’t look good,” he said. “It’s very close and could go either way at this point.” The president leaned back in his chair and said, “Don’t worry, we can still turn this around. Let’s leak some fake news about my opponent having an affair. Then plant stories about rigged voting machines. If all else fails, we’ll sue. I’m not leaving this office without a fight.”

7. The president’s stubbornness was legendary in the White House. Once he made up his mind, it was impossible to get him to change course. An exasperated advisor came in and said, “Mr. President, you’ve got this policy issue all wrong. The evidence is overwhelming.” The president crossed his arms defiantly, “Oh yeah? Name one piece of evidence.” The advisor replied, “All of it.”

8. The president had grown extremely unpopular after a tumultuous first term. He consulted with his reelection campaign manager on strategies to turn things around. “Don’t worry sir, we’ve got a plan. First, we’ll distract the media with some outrageous tweets. Next, we’ll dismantle voting rights to discourage turnout. And if all else fails, start chanting ‘fake news’ at any bad polls.” The president smiled, “I love the way you think.”

9. A reporter asked the president, “Sir, your critics say you tend to bend the truth and stretch the facts to suit your agenda. How do you respond to them?” The president replied indignantly, “First of all, no president in history has been more honest than me. Just ask anyone, they’ll tell you I’m the most honest. I never stretch, bend or break the truth. Everything I say is 100% accurate all of the time.” The reporter just stared at him silently.

10. At a press conference, a reporter asked the president “Sir, while discussing plans for the economy, you mentioned ‘priming the pump’. Can you explain what you meant by that?” The president looked confused for a moment before replying “Well you see…it makes the water pressure stronger so the water flows better. Hasn’t anyone ever told you how a pump works before?”

11. The president was awakened late at night by the Secret Service telling him, “Sir, you need to come with us right away! The White House is under attack!” Totally panicked, the president was hustled into a bunker deep below the White House. After nearly an hour sitting in the bunker, the president finally asked, “So what happened? Did we catch the attackers?” The Secret Service agent looked confused and said, “Attackers? No sir, it’s just the start of your morning workout routine.”

12. The president absolutely hated formal dinners at the White House. One night, as he slumped in his seat looking bored, the dinner guest next to him tried to start some small talk. “So, Mr. President, how do you like living in the White House?” Without even looking up, the president replied, “It’s a dump.”

13. The press secretary walked into the Oval Office looking like he just saw a ghost. “Sir, did you really tweet that climate change is a hoax and suggest vaccines cause autism?” The president didn’t even glance up from his desk and replied, “Sure did…why do you ask?” The press secretary could only shake his head and walk away wondering, “What have I gotten myself into this time?”

14. The first lady decided to redecorate the Oval Office one weekend while the president was out of town golfing. When he returned and walked into the freshly painted and rearranged office, the president froze with his mouth hanging open. Finally, he yelled to his chief of staff down the hall, “Hey, when did they move the White House to Mexico City?”

15. The president’s chief economic advisor came into the Oval Office extremely concerned about recent economic instability. “Mr. President, we are in real danger of the economy collapsing within the next year if we don’t take serious action soon.” The president sighed and said, “You economists are always so gloomy. The economy is doing just fine. My gut tells me this is nothing to worry about.”

16. The president was addressing a Boy Scout Jamboree and went off script, rambling for over an hour boasting about his election victory. On the flight back to the White House, an aide said gently, “Sir, maybe keep politics out of speeches to children next time?” The president rolled his eyes and said, “But I got the biggest applause when I slammed my opponent!”

17. After months of resisting calls for gun control, the president finally relented and came up with a solution: “We’ll give teachers guns to carry in classrooms – that will solve everything!” The press secretary buried his face in his hands and thought, “Oh God, please tell me he’s joking. The man’s gone mad.”

18. Frustrated with the special prosecutor’s investigation, the president told his attorney general, “Just fire him and shut down the stupid probe.” The attorney general shifted awkwardly and said, “With all due respect sir, even I can’t do that. I already recused myself.” Trump glared back and said, “Fine, I’ll do it myself.” As he stormed out of the room, the attorney general whispered to an aide, “Well, he’s cooked.”

19. The president’s combative style constantly created chaos in the White House. He would routinely walk into his advisors’ offices, browbeat them over policy issues, make impossible demands, and storm out before anyone could respond. One day he barged into a staffer’s office, yelled for ten minutes straight, then left. The aide turned wearily to his colleagues and said, “Well, the boss just dropped the leadership bomb on me again.”

20. A reporter asked the president about a controversial new policy: “Sir, will this executive order really stand up to legal scrutiny?” The president smiled smugly and said, “It’s so legal you won’t believe it.” His attorney general, standing nearby, thought to himself: “It’s so wildly illegal, I can’t believe he’s actually signing it.”

21. The president was furious about yet another unfavorable news story and screamed at his press secretary, “These reporters have it out for me! From now on, CNN is barred from the White House and New York Times reporters must be escorted everywhere by security!” The press secretary replied calmly, “With all due respect sir, that might violate these tricky things called the Constitution and freedom of the press.”

22. The first lady decided it was time to give her husband’s wardrobe a much needed upgrade for state affairs. She threw out all his baggy suits and replaced them with sleek tuxedos and polished dress shoes. On the first night he had to wear one, the president looked extremely uncomfortable. “I feel like a clown in this getup,” he complained. “That’s just because you aren’t used to formal attire, darling,” his wife replied. “Now run along or you’ll be late for the ceremony.”

23. The president’s behavior became increasingly erratic and concerning to White House staff. He would wake up in the middle of the night tweeting gibberish, fly into rages over perceived slights, and make outrageous claims about conspiracies against him. Concerned aides had a meeting and one said, “Someone needs to say something, this is getting out of hand.” But nobody wanted that job, for it surely meant instant dismissal.

24. As scandals continued to mount, the president decided to clean house and fired his chief strategist, press secretary and several other top advisors all in one day. As the stunned staff wandered the halls packing their offices, one remarked “Well, this place is a regular revolving door of chaos.” Another replied, “Just typical Monday in the madhouse.”

25. A foreign ambassador was meeting with the president for the first time and tried to break the ice with some humor. “You know, Mr. President, where I come from you’d be impeached for the stunts you’ve pulled.” The president’s face turned red and he screamed, “Get out right now! You’re banned from the White House! This meeting is over!” As the ambassador scurried away in shock, an aide leaned over and whispered, “Maybe hold back on the impeachment jokes next time.”

26. The president was not having a good first year in office. His angry tweetstorms, lack of policy accomplishments, and record low approval ratings had advisors worried. They decided an intervention was needed and scheduled a serious sit down meeting. Once everyone was seated, the lead advisor said somberly, “Sir, your behavior has become erratic and dangerous. For your own good, please resign before things get worse.” The president laughed uproariously and said, “Nice try guys, but I’m not going anywhere!”

27. America’s allies grew increasingly alarmed at the president’s questionable ties to enemy regimes and frequent diplomatic blunders. At an economic summit, the French prime minister pulled the American president aside and said, “We are worried you are not acting in the best interests of the Western alliance.” The president shoved a finger in his face and bellowed, “You can’t judge me! I’m the leader of the free world!” Then he stormed off in a huff, leaving the prime minister speechless.

28. On a presidential visit to England, the British prime minister said, “I understand you are not fond of stairs, but we must walk down this rather long staircase for the ceremony.” The president frowned, then suddenly pushed past the prime minister saying, “Out of my way, I’ll show you how it’s done!” He then half walked, half tumbled down the stairs, crashing loudly to the floor at the bottom. Dusting himself off, he turned and declared, “Ta-da! Nailed it.”

29. While meeting with the Russian president, the American president was suddenly distracted by a beautiful woman carrying a briefcase. “Wait a minute, who is THAT?” he asked excitedly. The Russian president raised an eyebrow and replied, “That is my head of intelligence.” Eyes still glued to her behind, the American president said, “Well I think I’ve just fallen for your head of intelligence. We may be able to make a deal after all.”

30. The president’s Chief of Staff was reviewing his schedule for the next day. “Let’s see…at 10AM you have a policy briefing on healthcare, then at 11AM a meeting with farmers about the tariffs. The Prime Minister calls at 2PM and….wait a minute, you have ‘TV time’ and ‘nap’ blocked out from 1-5PM???” The president replied, “I don’t want any disruptions during my stories and naptime. Now carry on!”

31. The president was playing golf while an urgent national security threat brewed halfway around the world. His general urgently called him and said “Mr. President, we have a critical situation that requires your immediate attention!” The president shot back, “Not now, I’m about to tee off on the 18th hole.” The general pleaded “But sir, this is truly a dire emergency.” “Fine, give me the quick version,” the president sighed impatiently. The general replied, “Well, in 30 seconds all I can say is…look out for that crocodile behind you!!!”

32. The First Lady was doing a photoshoot for a magazine cover. The president stomped in yelling, “What is this racy modeling nonsense?! As your husband I demand you stop this immediately!” The First Lady calmly replied, “Sweetheart, we’ve been over this – you are not my husband, you just play one on TV.” The president looked confused, then said “…oh right, I always mix up reality and fiction!”

33. Nearing the end of his first year in office, the president agreed to do a sit down interview with a major news network. The seasoned reporter asked tough questions about foreign policy mishaps and domestic scandals within the administration. The president fidgeted nervously and finally exploded, “This interview is over! Your questions are vicious and biased. Only positive stories about me!” He ripped out his earpiece and mic, threw them on the ground, and marched off the set in a huff.

34. The president’s tendency to make outrageous claims worried White House staff. After promising to solve climate change in “about 2 weeks” during a speech, they decided an intervention was needed. During a meeting, the Chief of Staff said gently, “Sir, you must stop making ridiculous promises that are impossible to keep.” The president shouted back defensively, “I can solve ANY problem! I know all the best solutions, people tell me so every day!” The staff all looked at each other hopelessly.

35. The president flew off the handle when he read a critical editorial written about his administration. “Outrageous lies!” he fumed. “I’ll sue them for libel!In fact, I want to sue all the media companies. CNN, New York Times, Washington Post – I’ll sue them all! No one can criticize the president!” His lawyers shifted uncomfortably and the Chief of Staff said, “With all due respect sir, that would violate this pesky little thing called the First Amendment.”

36. The president’s Twitter tirades were getting out of control. One night at 3AM, unable to sleep, he wrote: “Traitorous Arnold