Polish Puns
- What do you call a Polish keyboard? A pokalkulator! (calculator)
- How do you sink a Polish battleship? Put it in water!
- Why do Polish battleships have glass bottoms? So they can see the old Polish navy!
- What’s the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover vacuum? The placement of the dirtbag.
- What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that’s long and hard? A new last name!
- Did you hear about the Polish lottery? The winner gets 100 zloty and the loser gets 200!
- Why don’t Polish people do reverse cowgirl? You don’t turn your back on family.
- What do you call a Polish guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!
- Did you hear about the new Polish Navy submarine screen door? It keeps the fish out!
- Why do Polish dogs have flat faces? From chasing parked cars.
Polish One-Liners
- I asked a Polish friend how his rear view mirror got broken off, he said, “I looked in it and backed up!”
- I went to the eye doctor and he told me I have a Polish retina. I said, “Does that mean I’m going blind?” He said, “No, it just means you can’t see well.”
- What do you call a Polish girl with one leg? Eileen.
- I heard there was a big sale downtown so I told my Polish friend to go down and get in line. He came back with 10 lbs of spaghetti.
- Did you hear about the Polack who thought his wife was trying to kill him? On her dressing table he found a bottle of “Polish Remover”.
- What do you call a Polish guy who locks his keys in the car? A AAA- Pole!
- Did you hear about the Polack who died drinking milk? The cow fell on him.
- Did you hear about the new Polish parachute? It opens on impact.
- What do you call a Polish urologist? A Pee Pollack!
- Why can’t Polish married couples get divorced? Because they’d have to get a decree!
Best Polish Jokes
21. A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him – “very quick.” The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean, what are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland. Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say:
“Polish Remover”
22. A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, he had to take an eyesight test. The optometrist showed him a card with the letters ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’ “Can you read this?” the optometrist asked. “Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy!”
23. A Polish man entered the US tourist office and inquired “How can I migrate to America?”
The clerk replied “Firstly sir, you need to fill in immigration form.”
The Polish man asked “Would it be a problem if I don’t spell English well?”
The clerk replied “You spell it any way you want.”
24. A Pole walks into a bar and orders two Martinis. He takes one sip and runs out of the bar. Curious, the bartender follows him and sees the Pole jumping up and down shouting happily. The bartender asks him why he’s so happy with just one sip of Martini. The Pole replies, “When this wears off, I have another one!”
25. An American lawyer asked a Polish man “How is your English coming along?” The Pole replied “Pretty good, I think. Yesterday I went to the city hall to get my dog license renewed, and I knew enough to not speak Polish there.” The lawyer said “Impressive! What kind of dog do you have?” To which the man replied “A Shih Tzu.” The lawyer looked puzzled and said “Funny, you didn’t have an accent when you said that.” And the Pole said “Yeah, I’m trying to fit in.”
26. A Polish man moves to America and goes to Manhattan to see the sights. As he’s wandering around gawking at all the incredible buildings, he feels a tremendous rumbling beneath his feet. Alarmed, he runs over to policeman and says “Excuse me officer, what’s happening, is it an earthquake?” The cop looks at him and says “No, a train just went by.” The Polish man shakes his head in disbelief and says “A train making that much noise and vibration? Incredible!” So he continues on his way, and about 20 minutes later he feels the rumbling again. Once again he finds a cop and asks if it’s another earthquake. The cop laughs and says “No, another train just went by.” The stunned Polish man says “This is amazing! I had no idea New York was built on a train system!” The cop looks at the man a bit strangely and says “Uh, New York is not built on a train system. The trains just run underground here.” To which the Polish man slaps his knee and says “What a country! You guys even have subways that go to Manhattan!”
27. A Polish immigrant went to the local city hall to apply for citizenship. Just as he sat down, a lady at the desk next to him began asking a citizenship applicant questions. “What is the first thing you would do if the president was shot?” Before the man could answer, the testor said, “I’m sorry, that’s not the correct answer. You cannot become a citizen if you want to assassinate the president.” The man thought for a while before asking a question of his own: “If I want to shoot down a Polish jet fighter, can I become a Polish citizen?”
28. An Irishman, a Scotsman and a Polish man are construction workers eating lunch atop a steel beam 20 floors up. The Irishman opens his lunch pail and says “If I get one more bite of potatoes I’m gonna jump.” The Scotsman opens his lunch and says “If I get one more bite of haggis I’m gonna jump.” The Polack opens his lunch and says “If I get one more kielbasa sandwich I’m gonna throw up.”
29. A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. He had to take an eye exam. The optician showed him a card with the letters ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’ “Can you read this?” he asked. “Read it?” replied the Polish guy, “I know the guy!”
30. A Polish man moved to France and married a French woman. They soon had a baby that kept crying and crying through the night. After weeks of this, the wife said to the husband “I can’t take it, you have to help me quiet this baby!” The Polish man looked confused and said “I don’t understand this. In Poland, it’s the mother’s responsibility to quiet a crying baby.” The wife was furious and screamed “Well you’re in France now, you have to help!” The Polish man rubbed his chin thoughtfully and said “Hmm, in France the father helps… intriguing country!”
Polish Jokes Continued
- Why did the Polack stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said ‘concentrate’.
- A man walks into a bar and sees his Polish friend sitting alone staring at a shot glass. He sits next to his friend and notices there’s nothing in the glass. “Did you drink already? Why are you staring at an empty glass?” The Polish friend replies “I’m having a staring contest with the invisible man!”
- Why does NASA hire Polish people? They work for peanuts!
- Did you hear about the near-sighted circumciser? He got the sack.
- The difference between Polish kids and Italian kids? The Polish kids have to eat their vegetables before they can have their dessert.
- What happens when a Pole has an idea? It creates a vacuum in his mind.
- Why don’t Polish guys use protection during sex? It blocks their view.
- Did you hear about the Pole who thought his wife was trying to kill him? On her dressing table he found a bottle of “Polish Remover”.
- How do you get a Polish girl’s number? Look at the mail box.
- Why do Polish dogs have flat faces? From chasing parked cars.
- How do you sink a Polish battleship? Put it in water.
- Did you hear about the Polish hockey team? They drowned in Spring training.
- What’s the difference between a smart Polish man and a unicorn? Nothing, they’re both fictional characters.
- Did you hear about the Polish man who locked his keys in the car? It took him 2 hours to get his family out.
- A Polish man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, “Hey, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” The Pole replies, “I don’t know but its driving me nuts!”
- Why are Polish names so short? So they can fit on the tombstones.
- Did you hear about the Polish gangsters who tried to rob a bank? They gave up after two hours of trying to figure out how to get their car up to the drive-thru window.
- What do you call a Polish guy with 5000 friends? A bartender.
- Did you hear about the Polish guy who won a gold medal at the Olympics? Me neither.
- Why do Polish people wear name tags to bed? In case they forget who they wake up with.
- What do you call a Polish guy who’s just had his car crushed by a steamroller? Flattened Pole.
- Why do Polish people wear big shoes? For the weddings!
- Did you hear about the Polish terrorist who tried to blow up a car? He burned his lips on the tailpipe.
- A Polish man moved to France and married a French woman. The first night in bed she turned to him and said, “Please say something nice in French.” The man thought for a minute before responding, “You have nice t*ts.”
- How do you stop a Polish tank? Shoot the men who are pushing it.
- Why are Polish jokes so short? So Poles don’t have to read long sentences.
- Did you hear about the Polish streaker? The cops didn’t arrest him because they couldn’t describe his face.
- Why don’t Polish couples sleep in spoon position? Because Polaks don’t have matching stains.
- How was the Polish hockey team? They all drowned during spring training.
- Why don’t Polish women wear miniskirts? To keep the flies off the garbage.
- Did you hear about the Polish woman who got stabbed? Police are looking into it.
- How many Polacks does it take to grease a combine? Seven, unless it’s a farmall then it only takes 4.
- Why don’t Polish men ever bring their wife flowers? They usually steal them from graves.
- What do you call a Polish Muslim who owns cows? MuhamMOO.
- How do you know if a Polish woman is having her period? She is wearing only one sock.
- Did you hear about the Polish guy who peed on an electric fence? He had to be re-Pole-d.
- Why don’t Polish people let the water run when they brush their teeth? Waste water.
- What’s the difference between Polacks and toilet paper? Toilet paper takes the crap off your ass.
- Why are tires round? So Polacks can’t stack them.
- What do you call 100 Polacks at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
- How do you get a Pole pregnant? Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
- What do you call a Polish proctologist? A butt Pucker.
- Why do Polish dogs lick their balls? To get the taste of Polish cooking out of their mouths.
- What do you call a smiling Polish woman with no teeth? Gummy Pole.
- Why did the Polack have a bottle of Windex in the car? To clean his windshield if it stopped working.
- How do you make a Pole laugh on Monday? Tell him a joke on Friday.
- What do you call a Polish pig? Prosciutto.
- Why don’t Polish guys ever go down on their wives? Too close to the kitchen.
- Did you hear about the Polish detective who searched the country for a missing polish painter? He eventually found him Claude.
- Why do Polish dogs have flat faces? Parking meters.
- What do you get if you cross a Polish father and an Italian mother? Someone who makes his own pizza.
- My Polish friend told me this new drink helps her to see sounds and hear colors. It’s called Alcohol.
- Did you hear about the new Polish mail-order bride catalogue? It’s called Poke-Her Pages.
- What do you call a Polish guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
- How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? 5, 1 to hold the bulb and 4 to turn the ladder.
- Why are Polish names so short? They can’t spell anything longer.
- Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Polishman are building a house. Who’s in charge of supplies? The Englishman, because the Poles are in the car and Irishman’s still in the pub.
- What do you call a Polish snowblower? A broom.
- Why do Polish divorces take so long? They have to read the whole dictionary first.
- Did you hear about the Pole who thought his wife was trying to kill him? On her dressing table, he found a bottle of “Polish Remover.”
