Pharmacy Puns
1. I tried to impress the pharmacist by telling him I knew a lot about drugs, but he just looked at me with disdain, convinced I was on something. I guess you could say he had trust issues.
2. My pharmacist friend was feeling down, so I told him, “Don’t worry, everything will turn out fine. Just stay positive!” He said, “Are you sure? I’m feeling a bit negative lately.” I replied, “Absolutely! You just need to remain neutral.”
3. I asked the pharmacist if he had anything for diarrhea. He said, “Yes, aisle 6, behind the counter.” I said, “No, I mean medication!” He replied, “Aisle 6, behind the counter.”
4. I was feeling anxious so I asked the pharmacist if he had anything to help calm my nerves. He said, “Aisle 3, next to the adult diapers.” Great, now I feel even more anxious.
5. Why was the pharmacist always getting the hiccups? Because he had the Rx for it.
6. Why did the pharmacist get arrested? He was caught dealing drugs!
7. What did the pharmacist say when a customer couldn’t afford their medication? “No prescription for you!”
8. Why can’t pharmacists ever go on vacation? Because they can’t leave the drug store!
9. Did you hear about the new weight-loss pill pharmacists are recommending? It’s called Placebic.
10. Why do pharmacists wear white coats? To hide their dirty drug habits!
Pharmacy One-Liners
11. I asked my pharmacist girlfriend if we could go on a date tonight, but she said she was working nights. I guess she’s more committed to drugs than me!
12. I caught my pharmacist reading a book about illegal drugs. I guess you could say he was into pharmaceutical fiction.
13. I told my pharmacist I was suffering from short-term memory loss. He said, “Here’s your prescription.” I said, “Thanks, but what’s it for?”
14. Don’t ask a pharmacist to dance. They’ll just tell you to shake your own hips.
15. I asked the pharmacist, “Do you have anything for hiccups?” He said, “Try aisle 8.” I came back and said, “It didn’t work.”
16. What do you call an aggressive pharmacist? A pill pusher!
17. I asked my pharmacist brother what the safest contraceptive was. He said, “Abstinence.” I said, “No, I mean besides that.” He said, “Abstinence PLUS.”
18. I told my pharmacist I needed something to kill a buzz. He said, “Try paying your bar tab.”
19. What time should you go to the pharmacy? Just after midnight so you can get first dibs on all the drugs!
20. I asked the pharmacist, “Do you have any Acetaminophen?” He said, “Paracetamol take some!”
Best Pharmacy Jokes
21. I went to the pharmacy and asked for something to cure my fear of heights. The pharmacist said, “Here, try this,” and handed me a box. I said, “This isn’t going to work, I’m still scared of heights!” The pharmacist replied, “Those are just placebo pills. You’re going to have to face your fears head on.”
22. I was having trouble sleeping so I stopped by the pharmacy. I asked the pharmacist, “Do you have anything I can take to help me fall asleep?” He said, “Here, try this new pill we just got in.” So I took one right away and then waited up all night but nothing happened. The next morning, I went back to the pharmacy furious. I said, “I took that pill you gave me but it didn’t work at all, I was up all night!” The pharmacist replied, “Oh right, I forgot to tell you – it just helps you fall asleep, it doesn’t keep you asleep.”
23. I went to the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist for something to cure my fear of oversized farm animals. He said, “Here, take these special pills I formulated just for you.” I took the pills but they didn’t work at all. The next day I went back to the pharmacy angrily and shouted, “I’m still terrified of giant farm animals! Those pills didn’t help one bit.” The pharmacist replied calmly, “Those were just placebarn animals.”
24. A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. “I have a personal problem,” he said. The woman pharmacist said, “There’s no need to be embarrassed, you can talk to me about anything.” The man said, “It’s kind of embarrassing, but okay. Well, my hair has started falling out, my joints ache all the time, I can’t concentrate, and I feel fatigued no matter how much I sleep. What is wrong with me?” The pharmacist said, “You’re a woman.”
25. A doctor wrote a prescription for his patient, but the pharmacist couldn’t read his sloppy handwriting. He called the doctor’s office and said, “I can’t decipher this scribble, you’ll have to call in the prescription for me.” The doctor replied, “No problem, the prescription is for illegible handwriting – take two aspirin and call me in the morning.”
26. Did you hear about the pharmacist who was arrested and charged with possession of controlled substances? His lawyer pleaded “not guilty” by reason of pharmacy.
27. A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. The pharmacist says, “Why on earth would you need cyanide?” The woman replies, “I want to poison my husband.” The horrified pharmacist says, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill someone!” The woman then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist says, “Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”