Nurse Puns
1. Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? To draw blood!
2. How does a nurse like her coffee? Intravenously!
3. What do you call a nurse who loves monsters? A Med Scary!
4. Why do nurses make great vampires? They’re always working the graveyard shift!
5. How do you wake up a nurse? Say “blood pressure” really slowly.
6. What’s a nurse’s favorite TV show? ER!
7. Why do surgical nurses make great chefs? They know how to whisk!
8. What type of nurse loves math? A square nurse!
9. What do you call two nurse friends? Pair-a-medics!
10. Why do nurses hate being interrupted? It breaks their train of thought!
11. How does a nurse sneeze? They use their anti-hysta-mines!
12. Why are nurses so organized? They like to keep their supplies in order!
13. What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? “Some asshole has my pen!”
14. How does a nurse quit her job? She turns in her two-weeks notice!
15. What’s it called when a nurse gets promoted? A step up in scrubs!
16. Why do nurses always scrub up so well before surgery? They have sterile technique!
17. How does a nurse party? She takes some blood pressure medication!
18. What do you call a nurse who loves stating the obvious? Captain Obvious!
19. Why do nurses make the worst criminals? Because they always leave blood evidence!
20. Why are nurses so good at conflict resolution? They’re pro-mediators!
Nurse One-Liners
21. I asked my nurse if I could administer my own pain medication. She said no, self-medication is not allowed.
22. My nurse told me to be more optimistic about my injuries. I’m trying my best to look on the bright side.
23. I told my nurse I was having trouble sleeping. She said, “Try counting sheep.” I said, “I’m afraid I’ll fall asleep!”
24. Nurse: “I’m afraid your brain damage is untreatable.” Me: “I’m not brain damaged!” Nurse: “I rest my case.”
25. My nurse said my x-rays revealed a small fracture. I told her it felt more like a big fracture to me!
26. I asked the nurse, “What are my chances of surviving surgery?” She said, “Hundred percent.” I said, “Those are the best odds I’ve ever had!”
27. Nurse: “How are you feeling today?” Me: “No complaints!” Nurse: “That’s great to hear. Most patients have a list.”
28. Nurse: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your pain?” Me: “7.” Nurse: “Wow, we better get you some medication for that 4!”
29. I told the nurse I was dizzy. She said it was vertigo and not to worry about it. But it’s still making my head spin!
30. Nurse: “You’re very pale, are you going into shock?” Me: “No, I’m always this pale!”
31. Nurse: “You need to stop scratching your rash.” Me: “But it really itches!” Nurse: “Let me know if it starts to spread!”
32. I asked the nurse if my test results were good. She said they were negative. I said, “Negative? Does that mean it’s positive or negative?”
33. The nurse told me to stick out my tongue and say “Ah.” I said “Ah” and she said “Don’t just say it, do it!” Oops.
34. Nurse: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your pain?” Me: “It’s about a 6, maybe 7 tops.” Nurse: “I’ll put down 10.”
35. I asked the nurse if the cafeteria food was good for my diet. She just laughed. I’ll take that as a no.
Best Nurse Jokes
36. A man went to the hospital for a series of tests. The last test had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond belief. He jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard. The officer ran outside and asked the drunk, “What’s going on here?”
“I just got attacked by a dirty ghost!” slurred the drunk, “And if that ghost thinks he can crap on me and get away with it he’s got another thing coming!”
37. An older gentleman was recovering from surgery in the hospital. His wife came to visit and stood by his bed holding his hand. She said, “You have to get better fast because I’ve been miserable without you!” He asked, “Why, what’s wrong?” She replied, “Well, the milkman died.” Surprised, he said, “That’s so sad, what happened?”
His wife answered, “He fell off the back of the truck and broke his leg.”
Her husband looked confused and asked, “But how does that make you miserable?” She squeezed his hand and said, “They’re not delivering the milk anymore!”
38. A man woke up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor came in and told him, “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you will be able to walk again and eventually make a full recovery.” The man smiled and said, “That’s fantastic doc! What’s the bad news?”
The doctor replied, “The bad news is that your penis was burned off in the accident.”
The man’s smile faded. He asked in a shaky voice, “My… my penis? And I’ll never be able to… you know… again?” The doctor shook his head somberly. The man started weeping and wailing, “Oh no! My precious manhood is gone! I’ll never be whole again!” He cried hysterically for a long time.
Finally, the doctor awkwardly interrupted him and said, “You know, that reminds me. Now that you mention it, your penis wasn’t actually burned off. I don’t know why I said that. Everything down there is completely intact.”
The man suddenly stopped crying and looked up. “My penis is okay? Thank goodness! So what part of my body was actually burned off then?”
The doctor shuffled his feet and said, “Your ear.”
39. A blind man went to the hospital after being hit by a car. The nurse asked him what happened. He replied, “I didn’t see it coming.”
40. A nurse helped a patient walk down the hospital corridor. The patient stopped and refused to go any further. The nurse asked, “What’s wrong?” The patient said, “That’s the icu!”
41. A man was visiting his wife in the hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. He sat by her bed and said, “Dear, I’m not sure how much longer I can keep coming to see you like this. It hurts me so much to see you lying here unconscious.” Suddenly she stirred and woke up! The husband jumped up excitedly and said, “Dear, you’re alive! After all these years! This is a miracle!”
His wife reached out her hand and said in a hoarse voice, “My purse… give me… my purse…” Confused, the husband handed her the purse that was sitting on the bedside table. She rifled through it and pulled out a compact mirror. She looked in the mirror and exclaimed, “Thank goodness, my makeup is still on. Now what were you saying about me being unconscious?”
42. A man was in a car accident and woke up in the hospital. The doctor came in and told him, “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you’ll walk again and make a full recovery. The bad news is that your penis was severely damaged and we had to amputate it.”
The man was very upset and started crying about his lost manhood. The doctor consoled him saying, “There there, luckily modern medicine is very advanced and we can fit you with a fully functional prosthetic penis.” The man cheered up immediately and said, “A new bionic penis? Cool! Will I be able to choose the size and thickness?” The doctor replied, “Well sure, we can customize it however you’d like.”
The man grinned and said, “In that case, make it 10 inches long and really thick!” After making a note, the doctor left.
Later on a nurse came in to check blood pressure and saw the patient giggling to himself. She asked what was so funny. “Oh nothing. I was just imagining the look on my wife’s face when I get home from the hospital!”
43. A man was feeling very sick and went to the hospital. The doctor examined him and said, “I’m afraid you have an incurable terminal illness and only have six months left to live.”
The man was devastated and asked if there was anything at all that could be done. The doctor said, “Well there is one experimental treatment we’ve been having some luck with. It involves surgically removing your spleen and replacing it with one from a live donor.”
The man immediately agreed to the treatment. After six hours of surgery he woke up with a huge bandage around his midsection. The doctor came in looking glum. He said, “I’m afraid I have some bad news. The surgery went fine, however, there were some complications. We ended up having to remove your penis as well and replace it with a donor’s.”
The man was shocked and cried, “You took off my penis? I can’t believe this!”
The doctor nodded and said, “Yes unfortunately the donor was a female. But look on the bright side, you now have another six months left to live!”
44. An old man was on his deathbed with his wife and children gathered around him. He had lived a good life and wanted to impart some final words of wisdom. He motioned for his wife to lean in close. In a weak voice he said, “My dear, you have given me a wonderful life and been a loving partner all these years. I know you will miss me terribly when I’m gone.” He motioned for his eldest son to come near and said, “My boy, you are the pride of my life. Take care of your mother and always do what is just.” Finally he waved his youngest daughter over. He grasped her hand and whispered, “My darling, I know you will make me proud. Stay sweet and virtuous.”
The family was touched by his heartfelt words. After a moment, the old man’s breathing became labored. He gazed up towards the heavens and cried out, “Nurse! I really need to use the bedpan!”
45. A man was in a terrible car accident and ended up in a coma for many months. When he finally woke up, the doctor came to speak with him. The doctor said, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have been in a coma for 6 months.”
The man became very worried and asked, “Six months? What could be the good news then?”
The doctor replied, “The good news is that your penis augmentation surgery was a total success. We added 3 more inches in length and 2 more inches in girth, just as you requested!”
46. A doctor told his patient he had developed a rare condition only seen once before in medical history. He haddicatephallalectionis. The patient was confused and asked the doctor to explain what that was. The doctor said, “It’s when both your testicles grow backwards and actually enter your anus. Then they work their way up through your intestinal tract and exit out of your mouth. It’s very painful and there’s no cure, I’m afraid.”
The patient started sobbing and asked, “Oh my God, that’s horrible! How long do I have to live?”
The doctor replied gently, “I never said you were going to die from this. I just said I had never seen dick-in-your-ass disease before.”
47. A woman was feeling ill and went to the hospital. The doctor examined her and said, “I’m very sorry, you have an extremely rare disease that is always fatal. You only have six months left to live.” The woman was distraught and went home weeping. Her husband met her at the door and asked what was wrong. She told him the diagnosis. He put his arms around her and said gently, “I know this is terrible news. Just remember no matter what happens, I’ll always be here for you.” She looked up at him through teary eyes and wailed, “That’s what the doctor said!”
48. An eighty year old couple were at home when the husband started having chest pains. His wife quickly called 911 and told them her husband was having a heart attack. The ambulance arrived in record time and whisked the man away to the hospital. He had emergency bypass surgery and was recovering in the ICU. His wife was sitting by his bedside when he woke up. She said, “Honey I was so worried! Thank goodness you’re alright.” He gave her a weak smile and whispered, “You won’t get rid of me that easy!”
49. A man went to the hospital for a physical. As the doctor examined him, he kept muttering “Incredible!” and “Unbelievable!” under his breath. The man finally asked, “Doctor what seems to be so incredible?” The doctor said, “I’ve been a physician for over 30 years and I’ve never seen anything like this. Your heart, lungs, reflexes, eyesight – everything is perfect. It’s like the body of a 21 year old pro athlete. Honestly it’s remarkable!” The man seemed pleased and said, “Why thank you, I like to take good care of myself.”
The doctor shook his head and said, “I don’t get it, how old did you say you were?” The man answered, “I’m 102 years old.”
50. A man went into the hospital for a testicular exam. The doctor told him, “I have some bad news. The biopsy indicates you have terminal cancer and only have 6 months to live.” The man was understandably devastated and asked if he had any options or if the cancer was treatable. The doctor shook his head sadly. “No, there’s no treatment. The cancer is extremely aggressive and inoperable. All we can do is make you comfortable in your final months.”
The man started sobbing, saying how sorry he was to leave his family so soon. The doctor put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. “I really am very sorry, I wish the news could be better. On the bright side, at least your penis is unaffected and will remain fully functional until the end.”
Nurse One-Liners Cont’d
51. I told the nurse there was ringing in my ears. She said, “That’s called tinnitus.” I said, “I can’t hear you! There’s ringing in my ears!”
52. The nurse told me I needed to start exercising more. I informed her that I get plenty of exercise running back and forth to the bathroom all night.
53. I complained to the nurse that the IV was really painful. She said, “Sorry about that, just focus on something else to take your mind off it.” So I stared at her rear end until she adjusted it.
54. Nurse: “How would you rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10?” Me: “Probably around a 4.” Nurse: “I’ll bring you morphine for the 8/10 pain.”
55. The nurse walked in and caught me trying to take my own temperature rectally. Things got a little awkward after that.
56. The nurse told me not to stand up without assistance. I tried telling her I was fine, but I guess she had to see me fall down to believe me.
57. I asked the nurse if I could take a bath to relax. She said no because she didn’t want my bandages to get wet. I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll keep my head above water.”
58. The nurse said my coughing was keeping the other patients awake. I said it wasn’t my fault everyone else decided to take a nap at the same time.
59. I requested pain medicine from the nurse. She said I needed to be specific about where the pain was. I told her, “Everywhere. Just bring the whole bottle.”
60. The nurse walked