Nurse Puns
1. Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? To draw blood!
2. How does a nurse sneak up on people? They go incognito.
3. Why don’t nurses need to wear watches? Because they have very good time management!
4. What do you call an overweight nurse? A heavy duty nurse!
5. Why do nurses make great tennis players? Because they have amazing follow-through.
6. How do nurses party? They take shifts!
7. What do you call a nurse who loves animals? A vet-erinarian.
8. Why do nurses like pancakes so much? Because they’re good at flipping patients!
9. What band do surgical nurses love? Suture Level!
10. Why do nurses make the best mediators? They’re great at patient negotiations.
11. Why do nurses hate getting stuck in traffic? It goes against their oath to do no harm.
12. How does a nurse sneak up on people? They go incognito.
Nurse One-Liners
13. My nurse told me to be more optimistic, so now I’m positive that won’t happen.
14. Nurse: “How do you write women so well?” Writer: “I think of a man and take away reason and accountability.”
15. I asked my nurse if I could administer my own pain medication. She said I could, as long as I don’t mind the consequences.
16. Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
17. My nurse said I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.
18. I told my nurse she should become a doctor. She said she doesn’t have the patients.
19. Nurse: “This is going to hurt a little.” Me: “Okay, I’m ready- OW!” Nurse: “I didn’t do anything yet.”
20. Nurse: “Sorry for the wait, we’re short staffed.” Me: “That’s okay, I’m short too.”
21. Nurse: “How would you rate your pain?” Me: “On a scale from 0 to 10? Probably a 9…” Nurse: “Wow, so pretty bad, huh?” Me: “No, I meant out of 100…”
22. Nurse: “Let’s test your reflexes.” *hits knee with rubber hammer* Me: *kicks nurse in stomach* Nurse: “That’s not the reflex I was looking for…”
Best Nurse Jokes
23. A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I have a problem. I can’t stop singing ‘What’s New Pussycat?'” The doctor says, “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” the man asks. “It’s not unusual,” the doctor replies.
24. A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks “If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?” The bartender thinks for a minute and then says “It would have to be spectacular to take that offer.” The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, who is only 1 foot tall, and a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin. The bartender is amazed and tells the man he can have free drinks the whole night. The bartender asks the man “Where did you get this?” The man says “There is a genie outside granting free wishes!” The bartender rushes outside and comes back in shortly. “That genie lied, there wasn’t a genie outside.” As the man continues drinking his free drinks, the bartender walks back over and says “Eh, I don’t believe in genies anyway, where did you really get the piano player?” The man looks at the bartender somberly and says “Okay, you caught me. I’m sorry, I can’t lie about it any longer. My wife is a nurse and we have a very sick 12-inch tall son at home.”
25. A man is feeling very ill and decides to go see his doctor. “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor scratches his head and says, “Sorry but I’m not really a tech expert…” The man pleads, “But you’ve got to do something! My productivity at work is tanking because all I do is scroll through my feed. And I haven’t seen my friends in weeks…” After thinking for a minute the doctor says, “You know, I think I know someone who can help. My friend is a nurse and she’s great at treating internet and social media addiction.” Relieved the man thanks the doctor, gets the nurse’s number, and heads straight there hoping for a cure. When he arrives at the nurse’s office she checks his vitals and asks a few questions about his internet use. She then says, “Okay I think I can help! We’re going to do a tech detox. Hand me your phone and computer.” The man willingly hands them over. The nurse locks them in a drawer and says, “They’ll be safe here for the next month. I’ll see you in 30 days for a follow up.” The man protests, “What? I can’t go 30 days without my phone! I have work, and emails, and, and… everything is on their!” The nurse smiles and says, “Don’t worry studies show going 30 days without tech resets your brain. You’ll make it through and be cured.” The man reluctantly leaves. 30 days later he returns. The nurse unlocks the drawer and hands him his devices. “Well? How do you feel?” The man takes his phone, turns it on slowly, and smiles. “I feel great. You cured me, I don’t even have the urge to scroll anymore!” Satisfied, the nurse says, “Wonderful, that will be $500 for my services.” The man’s jaw drops. “$500? But you didn’t do anything! All you did was lock my devices in your drawer for a month, I could have done that myself!” The nurse smiles and says, “Well you should’ve thought of that before giving them to me. Now pay up or I call the cops, since technically I own your phone and computer until my services are paid for.”
26. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.”
27. Did you hear about the nurse who sells illegal prescriptions on the street corner? She is the corner drug store nurse.
28. My nurse told me to start exercising more. That was over a week ago and I’m really getting impatient.
29. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
30. 2 nurses walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says “I’ll have some H2O too”. The second nurse died.
31. Why do nurses make good vampires? Because they are skilled at drawing blood!
32. What did one surgical nurse say to the other? “Suture self.”
33. Why did the nurse keep a red pen with her at all times? In case she needed to draw blood!
34. My nurse friend gets cold easily, but that’s normal… after all, she’s a little vein!
35. What do call a nurse who loves posting photos online? An Instagram!
36. What’s a nurse’s favorite outdoor activity? Drawing blood in the park!
37. Why do nurses get to work early? To draw blood before patients arrive.
38. My nurse told me to be more active so I started jogging. Eventually I realized she just wanted me out of the clinic faster.
39. What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? “Some asshole has my pen!”
40. A man goes to the doctor. “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. I just can’t stop singing ‘What’s New Pussycat’ and ‘It’s Not Unusual’.” The doctor says, “Well, it sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome.” The man asks, “Is that rare?”. The doctor replies “It’s not unusual.”
41. Why don’t nurses like giving drawing blood to ghosts? Because it’s pointless.
42. I asked my nurse how long I have to wait for the doctor. She said an eternity.
43. What do you call a nurse that specializes in skin care? A derma-tologist!
44. Why are nurses so good at drawing blood? Lots of practice!
45. Did you hear about the new nurse chatbot? It has great patient conversations!
46. Why do nurses wear red lipstick? To draw attention away from the blood stains!
47. Why do nurses make the worst hotel maids? They’re always drawing blood on the sheets!
48. Why do nurses get bad gas mileage? Because they’re always drawing blood!
49. My nurse told me to start a meditation practice to lower my blood pressure. Haven’t heard from her since.
50. What’s the best part about dating a nurse? They’re great at drawing blood…I mean attention!
51. Why are nurses so happy after Halloween? Endless candy for drawing blood!
52. I asked my nurse friend if the hospital had a gym. She said yes, it’s called the ICU.
53. What’s a nurse’s favorite holiday? Valen-vein’s Day!
54. Why do nurses make great philosophers? They always encourage people to examine their veins of thought!
55. I told my nurse I was addicted to brake fluid. She said “Well you better stop before you leak too much!”