New Zealand Puns (15)
1. I heard New Zealand has a lot of sheep. You could say people there get a baaad night’s sleep.
2. Why don’t Kiwis get cold? They’re so close to the equator, it’s summer all yea round.
3. What do you call a lazy baby kiwi bird? An idle kiwi.
4. Why shouldn’t you tell secrets on a New Zealand farm? The sheep will spread the wool.
5. Why did the Kiwi cross the road? To get to the other side, you silly bird.
6. What do you call a line of rabbits hopping backwards in New Zealand? A receding hare line.
7. Why don’t kiwis like fast food? They prefer to take things kiwi and easy.
8. How did the New Zealander find his lost sheep? He ran-deer it.
9. Why was six afraid of seven in New Zealand? Because seven ate nine.
10. What is a Kiwi’s favorite berry? A kiwi-berry!
11. What do you call a New Zealander wearing ear muffs? Anything you want, they can’t hear you!
12. Why do kiwis like racing snails? They prefer a slow pace.
13. How do you measure a kiwi bird? In inches, feet, or beak lengths.
14. Did you hear about the explosion at the New Zealand cheese factory? De brie was everywhere!
15. Why don’t kiwis mind the wet weather? The mist never brothers them.
New Zealand One-Liners (20)
16. I went to a rugby match in New Zealand. It was an all-black affair.
17. They say Kiwis are down to earth. Well, if you lived that close to the center of the earth you’d feel grounded too.
18. In New Zealand, no one can hear you scream as you bungee jump. But everyone can hear your terrified shouts afterwards.
19. Q: Why are New Zealanders always brewing tea? A: They love steeping.
20. Q: How does a Kiwi cook dinner? A: They just chuck it in the chilly bin.
21. They say New Zealand is safer than Australia because the spiders stay small. But it’s the giant mosquitos you have to watch out for.
22. Kiwis don’t blink, it’s called a kiwi wink.
23. All the Kiwi wanted was a fair go mate, a pie and a pint at the pub.
24. In New Zealand, no one can hear you scream as you ski down the mountain. But everyone can hear your delighted shouts afterwards.
25. Q: What’s a Kiwi’s favorite breakfast? A: Weetbix and kiwifruit of course!
26. Q: Why do kiwis wear gumboots? A: To keep dry while tending their flocks.
27. They say Kiwis are more easygoing than Aussies. After all, they named their bird after the fruit, not the mammal.
28. Q: What do you call a Kiwi in a hurry? A: An eager beaver wearing gumboots.
29. I heard New Zealanders like extreme sports. Watching rugby must get them their adrenaline fix.
30. Q: Why do kiwis wear shorts in winter? A: For that extra chill.
31. Q: What do you call two kiwis sharing an umbrella? A: Best mates.
32. I heard there’s a new Kiwi dating app called Kumara. Swipe right for a good spud.
33. Q: Why did the kiwi bring a ladder to the bar? A: He wanted to get high.
34. Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? A: Nacho cheese.
35. Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A: A fshhhh.
Best New Zealand Jokes (50)
36. A Kiwi man is lost in the bush. After wandering for hours, he comes across a gas station. Relieved, he goes inside and says “I’ve been lost for hours. Can I please use your phone?” The shopkeeper says “Sorry mate, no phone here.” The Kiwi sighs and says “Well can I please have a map then?” The shopkeeper says “Sorry, no maps here either.” Frustrated, the kiwi asks “Well can you tell me where I am then?” And the shopkeeper replies “You’re in a gas station.” “Yeah I knew that,” snaps the Kiwi. “But where’s the gas station?” “Oh,” says the shopkeeper. “It’s in the middle of the bush.”
37. What do you call a kiwi who drinks too much? Wasted in New Zealand.
38. A Kiwi rugby player takes a trip to Canada. While going through customs, the officer asks “Occupation?” “Rugby player,” replies the Kiwi. “I need more information – are you the front row or back row?” asks the officer. “Nah,” says the Kiwi. “This is my first time leaving New Zealand.”
39. How do you confuse a Kiwi?
Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
40. A Kiwi, an Aussie, and a South African are drinking at a bar. The Kiwi finishes his drink and shouts “Another round of beers over here, love!” The Aussie finishes his drink and yells “Another round of beers for me and my mates, darl!” The South African finishes his drink and calls “Hey miss, how about a round of beers for me and my friends?” The three guys look at each other confused. The Kiwi leans in and whispers “Why didn’t you just call her darling like we did?” The South African replies “I didn’t want her to think I was referring to the color of her skin.”
41. Why don’t kiwis trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
42. A Kiwi wanted to start a restaurant named “Kiwi Foods” but then realized, it’s just called food.
43. Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest runners in the world? Because all the slow ones were killed by the giant birds.
44. What do you call a dancing kiwi bird? A disco duck.
45. My Kiwi friend says I’m condescending. That means I talk down to people.
46. How do you know if there’s a Kiwi at your party? They’ll tell you.
47. Why do New Zealanders wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
48. Why are kiwis bad at peek-a-boo? Because they have their eyes closed on their face.
49. Why do kiwis eat so much lamb and mutton? They’d eat more beef and chicken but they can’t get the velcro gloves off.
50. What do you call a sad strawberry in New Zealand? A blueberry.
51. How do you get a Kiwi to laugh on a Monday morning? Tell them a joke on a Friday night.
52. Why do New Zealanders wear shorts in the winter? So they have something to talk about.
53. How do you know if a Kiwi likes you? They return your calls and texts right away instead of 3 days later.
54. How can you tell if a Kiwi is paying attention? They make eye contact with you occasionally.
55. What’s the difference between an Aussie and a Kiwi? An Aussie apparently exaggerates their stories while a Kiwi never exaggerates.
56. Why don’t Kiwi birds fly very much? They’d rather just walk and run everywhere instead.
57. What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho Cheese.
58. A Kiwi couple win Lotto, a reporter asks the man what they plan to do with the money. “We’re going to pay off the mortgage, set up college funds for the kids and then replace my old Holden Commodore.” The reporter then asks “Will you replace your Holden with a new one or go for something different?” The Kiwi replies “Oh no, she’ll get the new one and I’ll keep the old Holden.”
59. How do you know when you’ve met a Kiwi vampire? They start every conversation with “Gidday mate, I’m just heading down to the dairy for a pie and V.”
60. Why are Kiwis always frowning? Because their lips are upside down.
61. What’s the mating call of the Kiwi? “I’ll just slip into something more comfortable.” “Like what?” “My bed.”
62. Why did the Kiwi farmer sheer his sheep by himself? He wanted to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes.
63. Why do kiwis wear scarves? For winter neck protection.
64. How do you catch a kiwi bird? Tiptoe up behind it and carefully place a blanket over it.
65. Why did the kiwi bring an extra pair of socks when he went hiking? In case he got a hole in one!
66. What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
67. Why did the kiwi put sugar under his pillow? He wanted sweet dreams!
68. How does a kiwi bird style his hair? With a peck-comb!
69. Why can’t you hear a kiwi bird fart? Because their butts are on the bottom of their bodies!
70. How do kiwi birds stay connected when they’re far apart? With kiwi vines!
71. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!
72. What did the astronaut say when he saw the moon? Ayyyyyyyyy lmao!
73. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
74. What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
75. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant!
76. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
77. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie!
78. I once knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch. He could binomial!
79. What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador!
80. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!
81. I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me!
82. What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
83. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom? Because the P is silent!
84. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it!
85. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it!