Navy Puns (10)
1. I wanted to join the Navy, but I didn’t have the stomach for it. The only seamen for me are in my belly!
2. My friend joined the Navy hoping to see the world, but all he ever sees is water. I guess that’s just the wave it is.
3. I was going to make a joke about the Navy, but it would probably sink.
4. What do you call a Navy officer who doesn’t follow orders? An in-subordinate!
5. Why does the Navy put Marines on their ships? Because sheep would be too obvious.
6. Did you hear about the sailor who was terrified of boats? He just couldn’t bring himself to get onboard.
7. Why was the Navy officer fired from his job steering ships? He kept hitting the buoys.
8. I wanted to make a joke about submarines, but it was too deep.
9. What do you call a Navy cook that uses too much salt? A seasoning sailor!
10. Why don’t oysters donate to the Navy? Because they’re shellfish.
Navy One-Liners (10)
11. I joined the Navy hoping to see the world. Instead all I saw was water.
12. Why does it take Navy cooks so long to serve you? They have to walk the plank first.
13. I was going to join the Navy, but somehow my seaman recruitment officer rubbed me the wrong way.
14. What’s the difference between the Navy and the mafia? One of them has honor and respect.
15. Why does the Navy put Marines on their ships? Because sheep would be too obvious.
16. Did you hear about the new Navy ship made entirely out of toilets? It’s their first head-to-head combat vessel.
17. Why does the Navy put potatoes in sailors’ shoes? To keep them on their toes!
18. How do you know there is a sailor under your bed? The ceiling is painted white.
19. Why don’t sailors play hide and seek? Because it’s hard to find a hider on the open seas!
20. How do you know when there is a sailor at your door? You hear Scruffy the dog bark “ahoy matey!”
Best Navy Jokes (25)
21. One day a Navy destroyer was on its way to another port when it picked up a periscope from a submarine belonging to a hostile nation. The captain immediately ordered his signalman to send this message: “Unknown vessel off our port bow. Advise you change course 20 degrees.” After a short delay, the captain saw the periscope rotate as the submarine complied with the request. But then it continued rotating until the captain clearly saw the international maritime signal: “You change course 20 degrees.” The captain was outraged. He signaled back: “I am a destroyer of the United States Navy. Change course 20 degrees…NOW!” After an even shorter delay, the periscope rotated back to its original message: “I’m a lighthouse. It’s your call.”
22. One day a young sailor was newly stationed aboard a Navy ship. He had heard rumors that the captain’s pet parrot would randomly squawk out embarrassing personal details about the crew members. At first he thought nothing of it, but soon the stories seemed to hold truth. After a particularly long night, the sailor slept in and was awakened by a superior officer. The parrot immediately squawked, “WHOA! Seaman Jones overslept on duty!” Jones was mortified but it got worse – that evening at dinner – the parrot announced “Seaman Jones wet the bed at age 14!” Horrified, Jones complained to the Captain, who relented and promised the parrot would not embarrass him again. The next morning when Jones appeared at his post after roll call, the parrot remained silent. But then just as he was relaxing it squawked out “Seaman Jones, seaman Jones.” Jones ran to the captain to complain but found the parrot had been removed from the ship. In it’s place was a Pekingese dog, who looked at Jones and calmly announced “Good morning, Petty Officer Jones.”
23. Three sailors are discussing their cargo vessels. The first sailor says “My boat can carry 80 bags of wool.” The second sailor scoffs and says “My vessel can transport 120 canvas cloths.” The third sailor just laughs and says “That’s nothing. My ship can carry 300 bales of cotton easy.”
24. Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish!
25. Why does it take Navy cooks so long to serve you? They have to walk the plank first!
26. What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from the Navy? A small medium at large!
27. Why don’t sailors play hide and seek? Because it’s hard to find a hider on the open seas!
28. Why does the Navy put potatoes in sailors’ shoes? To keep them on their toes!
29. What’s the difference between the Navy and the mafia? One of them has honor and respect.
30. Why couldn’t the sailor learn how to swim? He kept dropping the class!
31. I wanted to join the Navy, but I didn’t have the stomach for it. The only seamen for me are in my belly!
32. How are a smart Navy captain and toilet paper alike? They both have a lot of rolls under them!
33. Why do Navy captains eat beans for good luck? Because nobody wants to sail with a superstitious stitious!
34. Did you hear about the sailor who was afraid of his boat? He just couldn’t bring himself to get onboard.
35. What do you call a nervous sailor? A chicken of the sea!
36. Why does it take longer to serve sailors curry? Because first you have to launch the life rafts.
37. Why do sailors make bad boyfriends? Because they have a girl in every port!
38. Did you hear about the Navy’s new robot swabbing the decks? It has made quite a splash!
39. Why was the Navy officer fired from his job steering ships? He kept hitting the buoys!
40. What did the sailor say when he spotted an iceberg dead ahead? All hands abandon ship, we’re about to get cold cocked!
41. Why do sailors hate snow? Because it’s wintery out there!
42. How do you know when there is a sailor at your door? You hear Scruffy the dog bark “ahoy matey!”
43. What’s a sailor’s favorite brand of vacuum? Hoooover!
44. Why don’t sailors water ski? They don’t like being pulled behind seamen!
45. Why did the sailor’s grades drop? He was far too ship-minded!