Name Puns
1. I heard Apple is coming out with a phone for babies called the iPacifier.
2. The bandage company Band-Aid should partner with the adhesive company Elmer’s Glue and call it Elmer’s Band-Aids.
3. My friend who works at the post office got fired for stealing stamps. Now he’s going by the name Ryan O’Lines.
4. The farm down the road only raises pigs and cows. They call it the Bakenacres.
5. My friend recently combined a doughnut shop and a gun range. He calls it Hole Patrol.
6. The Mexican restaurant by my house makes amazing fajitas. Their name? Juan in a Million.
7. Thinking of opening a pet grooming shop and calling it Hair of the Dog.
8. I tried to come up with a bowling-themed bakery name. The best I could think of was Strike ‘n Spare Donuts.
9. My uncle the chimney sweep started calling his business Soot Yourself. Not the best name but it works.
10. The farmers market had a stall totally dedicated to legumes. They called it the Bean Team.
Name One-Liners
11. Don’t name your dogs Rolex and Timex. They’ll watch the other dogs play.
12. My friend named his two cats Thing One and Thing Two. He has to keep an eye on them when guests come over.
13. I know a guy named Wiley. He lives life in the fast lane.
14. Never trust someone named Barb. They’re always up to something shady.
15. Bartenders named Scotty are the worst. All they do is beam you up.
16. My neighbor growing up was named Skip. He never skipped a day of school.
17. My grandpa’s name was Chip. He hated when we called him Chipper.
18. Knew a girl in high school named Joy. She was not a joy to be around.
19. Guy I used to work with was named Buzz. He drank way too much coffee.
20. Teacher in 3rd grade named Mrs. School. Too bad teaching wasn’t her school of thought.
Best Name Jokes
21. I recently met a girl named Delilah. I probably shouldn’t have introduced myself as Samson.
22. My friend walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender asks “What’s your name?” He replies “Dwayne” Bartender says “Dwayne who?” My friend feeling insulted says “Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning!”
23. Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
24. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
25. Last night I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
26. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
27. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
28. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
29. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it’s tearable.
30. I went to buy some camouflage pants yesterday but couldn’t find any.
31. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
32. Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
33. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
34. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.
35. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
36. The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
37. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
38. I tried looking for gold, but it didn’t pan out.
39. Getting paid to sleep would be a dream job.
40. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
41. What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
42. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
43. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
44. Why can’t bicycles stand up by themselves? Because they’re two tired.
45. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
46. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
47. Broken pencils are pointless.
48. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.
49. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
50. I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time consuming.
51. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”
52. I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts
53. What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
54. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!
55. What did one wall say to the other? Meet you at the corner!
56. How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together.
57. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
58. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
59. I knew a guy who collected candy canes. They were all in mint condition.
60. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
61. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way.
62. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
63. Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
64. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
65. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.