Money Puns
- I was going to tell a joke about unemployment, but none of them worked.
- My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
- I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift. But I couldn’t find a manual.
- I bought some shoes from my drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
- Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
- I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
- My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
- Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
- Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.
- I wanted to write a joke about unemployment but none of them worked.
Money One Liners
- My wallet is like an onion, it makes me cry when I open it.
- I’m so broke I can’t even pay attention.
- My credit card is my most loyal friend. It sticks with me until the very end.
- I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.
- Money talks. All mine says is ‘Goodbye’.
- My bank account and my belly both have one thing in common: they’re empty.
- I’m so broke the bank sent me a letter that just said ‘Insufficient’.
- My wallet is like an onion – it makes me cry every time I open it.
- I’m so poor that robbers break into my house and leave money.
- Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy wine, which is pretty much the same thing.
Best Money Jokes
21. A man walked into a bar and ordered a drink. When it came time to pay he looked in his wallet and said “Oh no, I only have $20!” He hesitated for a moment then said “Here’s $20, keep the change.” The bartender put it in the till and said “Thanks, that makes perfect cents!”
22. What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill!”
23. Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it!
24. What kind of money do elves use? Gnomes!
25. I was complaining to my wife about our lack of money and poor finances. She just smiled and said, “We have enough to buy food and to pay the bills. We might not be rich, but who needs that much money anyway?” Looking at her smiling face, I realized what’s truly important in life.
26. A banker, doctor and lawyer were arguing about who was the smartest. The banker said “Money is the most important thing, so bankers are the smartest.” The doctor said “Health is more important, so doctors are the smartest.” The lawyer said “Love is the most important thing, so lawyers are the smartest.” The banker and doctor agreed to this.
27. What do you call an angry dollar bill? Raging George!
28. Where do polar bears keep their money? In a snow bank!
29. I was so poor growing up that my friends played bank robber with Monopoly money. I had to play with imaginary money!
30. Why can money talk? Because it has lots of cents!
31. What do you call fake money in a haunted house? Counterfeit boo!
32. Why don’t eggs need money? They can get everything on credit!
33. What did the coin say to the other coin? I don’t make cents without you!
34. Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks!
35. What did one penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
36. How can you drop a coin and still have it? Drop it in water and it will sink!
37. Why was the coin farmer so rich? Because he had a lot of common cents!
38. What did one dime say to the other? Let’s get together and make some cents!
39. Why don’t eggs need money? They can always get things on credit!
40. What do you call an angry dollar? Raging George!
41. Why don’t moths have money? Because they eat holes in their pockets!
42. Why was the little strawberry crying? Her mom and dad were in a jam!
43. What did one nut say while chasing another nut? I’m a cashew!
44. Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish!
45. Did you hear about the guy who got hit with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
46. My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
47. I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.
48. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!
49. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
50. My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
51. Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb!
52. Why do bicycles fall over? Because they’re two-tired!
53. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
54. Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.
55. What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
56. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it!
57. I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball. Just the thought of it makes me want to punch a wall!
58. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
59. Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!
60. What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious!
61. Want to hear a construction joke? I’m still working on it.
62. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!
63. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!
64. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
65. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
66. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
67. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
68. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
69. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day!
70. Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs!
71. Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish!
72. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
73. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
74. I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
75. My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
76. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!
77. I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift. But I couldn’t find a manual.
78. I was going to tell a joke about unemployment, but none of them worked.
