London Puns (20)
- What do you call tea time in London? The Big Ben Chinwag.
- Why do Londoners love rainy days? They make the best Brollywood movies.
- Why did the Londoner bring scissors to the food market? To get some cutlery!
- How does London keep its bridges in good condition? With lots of Bridge-it maintenance.
- Why are traffic jams always bad near London Bridge? Too many cars try to cross the River Thames!
- How do Londoners party? They put on their dancing trousers and get down with their big Ben.
- Why do the guards at Buckingham Palace make excellent dancers? They are great at Changing of the Steps.
- Why did the Beefeater cross the Tower Bridge? To get to the other Tower of London.
- What do you call a funny guard at the Tower of London? A Jester in the Tower.
- Why are Londoners good at hide and seek? There are lots of great Hyde Parks to hide in!
- Why do Londoners love taking the tube? It gives them lots of under-ground laughs.
- What do you call tea time in London? High tea-riffic fun.
- What happened to the Londoner who kept missing double decker buses? He got two tired.
- Where do Londoners get weigh themselves? On Big Ben’s scale.
- What do you call a Beefeater who works out? A gym instructor.
- Why was the London play so confusing? It had too many plot twists and Thames.
- What’s a Londoner’s favorite farming tool? A Big Ben pitchfork.
- Why was the London chef so good at chopping? He knew how to use a Big Ben cleaver.
- Why do Londoners make great architects? They have big plans.
London One-Liners (20)
- Londoners don’t sweat, they glisten like the River Thames.
- Londoners put the “capital” in capitalism.
- Londoners like their tea how they like their city – overcrowded and overpriced.
- Londoners are experts at avoiding eye contact on the tube.
- Londoners eat bangers and mash like they rule the world – because they used to.
- Londoners love fish and chips – it’s their version of comfort food.
- Londoners are pros at navigating huge crowds – it’s a daily commute for them.
- Londoners queue properly and patiently – it’s an art form for them.
- Londoners know how to stay dry in the rain – with sarcasm and cynicism.
- Londoners love their Indian food spicy – it reminds them of the old empire days.
- Londoners have mastered the fake smile – for dealing with tourists and strangers.
- Londoners drink more tea than water – it’s the national pastime.
- Londoners talk about the weather more than anything else – it’s always changing.
- Londoners love to complain – it’s like breathing to them.
- Londoners know how to hustle – the city moves fast.
- Londoners wear black all the time – it’s stylish and practical.
- Londoners have seen it all – very little surprises them anymore.
- Londoners are very blunt – they don’t believe in sugarcoating.
- Londoners love sarcasm – it’s part of their charm.
- Londoners are tough – they have to be to survive in the big city.
Best London Jokes (45)
41. Two Londoners bump into each other on Oxford Street. One says “Sorry mate, didn’t see you there.” The other responds “No worries, it was my fault, wasn’t looking where I was going.” They both chuckle politely and go about their day. Very British.
42. A tourist asks for directions from a Londoner: “Excuse me, how do I get to Hyde Park?” The Londoner says “Practice. You’ll get better eventually.”
43. A London cabbie picks up a tourist and starts chatting: “Where are you from?” “I’m from Estonia.” “Oh interesting, what do people do for fun in Estonia?” “We get drunk and tell jokes about Londoners.” “Fair play.”
44. A Londoner is waiting for the tube on a crowded platform. Someone steps on his foot and he says “Pardon me.” The offender replies “Mind the gap.” Everyone nods. Very British interaction.
45. Two Londoners are sitting in a pub. One says “Lovely weather we’re having.” The other responds “Yes, too bad it’s going to rain tomorrow.” “Right you are.” They both sip their pints stoically.
46. A tourist asks a Londoner for directions. The Londoner replies “Go straight until you see the pub, take a right, pass two more pubs then look for the chippy, can’t miss it.”
47. What do you call a Londoner with a sear suntan? A Brixton Roast.
48. How do you know someone is a Londoner? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
49. Why do Londoners hate leaving London? Because then they would be Notting Hillbillies.
50. How can you tell a Londoner is at your door? The knocking keeps getting louder.
51. A Londoner walks into a pub with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” The Londoner replies, “I don’t know but it’s driving me nuts!”
52. What do you call a dance off between Londoners? A Stepney Shuffle.
53. Why do Londoners make terrible lifeguards? They only know how to do the backstroke in the Thames.
54. Why do Londoners drink their beer warm? Because it’s Bitter that way.
55. What do you call tea without milk in London? An emergency situation.
56. How can you tell if someone is from London? Don’t worry, they’ll say “When I was in London…” in the first 5 minutes of meeting you.
57. Why did the Londoner bring a car door into the pub? So he could wind down after work.
58. How do Londoners party? By binge drinking until they’re Westminster Abb-soused!
59. Why don’t Londoners ever seem worried? They just keep Calm and carry on.
60. What do you call cheap beer in London? Cockney Lite.
61. Why do Londoners hate leaving the city so much? There’s no place like gnome.
62. How can you tell if a Londoner is at your door? The impatient huffing and sighing.
63. Why did the Londoner bring prunes on the date? In case it got Hampton Court.
64. What’s a Londoners favorite sport? Underground boxing.
65. Why do Londoners make great detectives? They’re experts at cracking cases.
66. What do Londoners use to lighten their hair? Bleach & Hammersmith.
67. Why are Londoners so good at comebacks? They’ve been traded Southbank and forth forever.
68. Why do Londoners love rainy weather so much? It makes them misty-eyed for home.
69. How do you make a Londoner angry? Put the milk in before the tea.
70. Why can’t Londoners keep secrets? Because everything they say spreads like wildfire down Highgate.
71. Why do Londoners make great philosophers? They’re always stuck in deep Thames.
72. What’s a Londoner’s favorite candy? Popping Candy & Peckham.
73. Why did the Londoner bring an extra umbrella? For Wimbledon matches.
74. How do you know a Londoner is at your door? The nonstop cheeky knocking.
75. Why do Londoners love rainy weather? Because you’ll see chaps with dripping Hampton Slickers.
76. What do you call tea that’s been run over in London? Flat Whitechapel.
77. Why did the Londoner bring reading glasses to dinner? To see the Billingsgate statement.
78. Why are London construction sites so noisy? Too much Hampstead hammering.
79. Why do Londoners make great singers? They have perfect Piccadilly pitch.
80. What’s a Londoner’s favorite candy? Jawbreakers & Knightsbridge mints.
81. How do Londoners party? By hitting the Pimm’s ’til the early A.M.s.
82. Why do Londoners love rainy weather so much? It gives them crumpets to Soho shelter under.
83. What do you call an endless queue in London? The Vauxhall conga line.
84. Why do Londoners obsess over the weather? They’re trying to predict their Heathrow forecast.
85. What do you call a garden party in London? Kensington High Teas.
