What do you call an author who used to be a doctor? A bookworm!
What do you call an author who writes children’s books? An auteur for kids!
Did you hear about the writer who got arrested? He was booked for a clause violation.
Why was the English major crying? Because their life was in shambles…peare.
What did Edgar Allan Poe say when he got a parking ticket? “Quoth the raven, ‘Nevermore!'”
Why are librarians so quiet? They’re always reading between the lines.
Why can’t you borrow a book from a librarian on Fridays? Because they’re over-due.
What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho Cheese. Just like a book that’s not yours is Nacho Book!
Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.
What did the doctor say to the impatient reader? Just wait one chapter!
Literature One-Liners
I asked my English teacher for homework help but all she gave me was Dickens.
My book club only reads stories about food because we’re full of bologna.
I tried to write a novel but only ended up with a short story…I should have plotted better.
What do librarians take with them when they go fishing? Bookworms.
My book collection is out of control, I really need to cull the shelves.
Don’t tell my boss but I use Cliff Notes for all my book reports.
I tried to organize my books by color but ended up feeling blue.
Reading relaxes me so much I can get lost in a book for hours.
I accidently put my book in the freezer and now the story is on ice.
My book club only serves appetizers because we’re always getting a little bite to eat.
Best Literature Jokes
Two writers walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second says “I’ll take H2O too” and dies.
Why didn’t Shakespeare like to use periods? He always liked to end his sentences with dramatic pauses instead.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra. Wait no, that’s not right…a dyslexic man walks into a library and asks the librarian “do you have any books on pond turtles?” The librarian says “yes we have a few right over here” and shows the man to the nature section where she points out some books on turtles. The dyslexic man says “great thanks!” and checks out a couple of the turtle books. He sits down and starts reading, happy to have found books on his favorite subject.
Why don’t authors like warm beaches? Because they hate getting tan, gent, secant on their skin.
A bookworm walks into a library and asks the librarian “do you have any books on parachutes?” The librarian says “no, this is a library, we only have books on more academic subjects.” The bookworm leaves disappointed.
Why did the author go to jail? For committing a run-on sentence.
Two authors walk into a bar. The first one orders a martini, extra dry. The second orders a PBR in a can. The two get into a friendly debate about writing styles and literary influences.
Why are library books so hard to put down? Because they are full of intense plots.
I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you!”
Why did the detective go to the library? He was trying to solve the case of the missing book!
Why shouldn’t you tell an author a secret? Their lips are sealed until the book comes out!
Which building in town has the most stories? The library!
Did you hear about the new book called “Life Without The Internet”? It’s still in print.
I asked the librarian if they had any books about procrastination. She said “yes, we do” so I decided I’d come back for it later.
Why don’t authors like warm beaches? Because they hate getting tan, gent, secant on their skin.
People say I’m addicted to reading but I can quit whenever I want. I’ve done it many times!
I tried to organize my bookcase alphabetically but I got lost somewhere between F and O.
What did the detective say when he found the missing book on ferns? “Case closed!”
My book club only reads cookbooks. We’ve gone through some good reads and baked some bad ones too!
A book called me spineless today so I ripped out all its pages in revenge.
What do you call a bunch of authors fighting with each other? A literal literary battle royale!
I thought my romance novel was fiction but it turns out it was non-fiction. I accidentally wrote a memoir!
My favorite book series got cancelled halfway through when the author ran out of ideas. Now it’s just a half-baked plot.
I tried to organize my bookcase by color but ended up 50 shades of frustrated.
Did you hear about the library thief? They stole some books on ethics so it’s a bit of a paradox.
My book club kicked me out for stealing their copies of Macbeth. They said I could never come back, the ban is permanent.
I asked the librarian for a book on Pavlov’s dog and classic conditioning. It rang a bell.
I tried to organize my bookcase in chronological order but I got lost somewhere in the Middle Ages.
What do you call an author who used to be a magician? A spellbinding writer!
Why are pirates bad at summarizing books? They always insist on the abridged version.
I asked the librarian for a book on tsunamis. She said “Here’s a big wave coming your way!”
What’s a librarian’s favorite Beatles song? “Paperback Writer”!
My book club kicked me out for stealing their copies of Macbeth. They said I could never come back, the ban is permanent.
I tried to organize my bookshelves by color but I got stuck somewhere between orange and yellow.
What did the detective say when he found the missing book on ferns? “Case closed!”
I asked the librarian where I could find books on procrastination. She said “They’re right over there but you might want to come back for them later.”
What do you call a group of authors who argue all the time? A literal writer’s quarrel!
I tried organizing my books by genre but things got out of hand in the science fiction section.
My book club kicked me out for stealing their copies of Macbeth. They said I could never come back, the ban is permanent.
What does a librarian say when a book is overdue? “I’m going to charge you a late fee!”
I asked the librarian for a book on building houses. She gave me a how-to manual.
What’s a librarian’s favorite movie? The Silence of the Lambs because they prefer quiet patrons.
Why don’t bakers like reading romance novels? Because they’re so full of mush!
Two fiction writers walk into a bar and start arguing. The bartender says “No plots at the bar!”
I tried to organize my book collection autobiographically but I didn’t have enough chapters in my life.
What do you call an author who never finishes their novels? An in-complete writer.
My book club kicked me out for stealing their copies of Macbeth. They said I could never come back, the ban is permanent.
