July Puns (10)
1. I wanted to throw a big Fourth of July party, but nobody RSVP’d. I guess my invitations weren’t Independence Day-pendable.
2. Why did the hot dog get arrested on the Fourth of July? It was caught selling illegal fireworks!
3. My friend got heat stroke at the July 4th barbecue. I told him to stay hydrated and drink lots of patriotic beverages like Sam Adams and Budweiser.
4. I entered my pet bald eagle in a Fourth of July talent show. He won first prize for his patriotic feather routine.
5. Why did July 4th make the farmer sad? It reminded him of when his tractor ran away with his independence.
6. I was going to have a big Fourth of July party, but then I realized I didn’t have any friends. It was an independent sadness day.
7. Why don’t omelets like July 4th? It’s too eggstreme for them!
8. Did you hear about the ice cream truck driver who only worked on July 4th? He specialized in Independence Day treats!
9. The fireworks stood alone on the Fourth of July. There was no one else to party with—it was an independent display.
10. Why was the July 4th parade so hot? There was no independence from the heat!
July One-Liners (10)
11. I’m glad I wore sunscreen to the July 4th party, or else I would have gotten a freedom burn!
12. My July 4th celebration was da bomb…because it included actual bombs, aka fireworks!
13. I tried lighting off fireworks in February, but it just wasn’t the same without that July 4th spirit.
14. I entered my dog in a July 4th pet costume contest. He went as the Statue of Liber-treat-y.
15. I bought some patriotic boxer shorts to wear on the Fourth of July. You could say I’m in-de-pants dance day ready!
16. Why can’t you tell a joke on Independence Day? Because freedom isn’t free!
17. Make sure you secure your Independence this July 4th, or else it might just run off!
18. Why did Paul Revere ride his horse on the Fourth of July? To warn everyone the British were coming to take away their freedom!
19. Be careful with those sparklers on the Fourth of July, you don’t want your independence going up in flames!
20. My ideal July 4th is burgers, brews, buds & bombs bursting in air!
Best July Jokes (12)
21. One Fourth of July, I decided to win my neighborhood’s annual pie eating contest. I trained for weeks, even fasting the night before to make sure I had enough room for pie. When the big day arrived, I was feeling confident. The pies were set out, the other contestants took their places, and the whistle blew. I dug in, eating pie after pie as fast as I could while trying not to get full. When it was over, I had eaten 4 whole pies and felt like I would burst. As they announced the winners, I knew I had done well. “In third place, Kevin who ate 2 pies. In second, Jessica who ate 3 pies. And in first place, me, who devoured 4 entire pies to secure the title!” I was so proud of my accomplishment. Looking back, winning that contest is one of my all-time favorite Fourth of July memories.
22. Last July 4th, my friend Tom convinced me to enter the hot dog eating contest at our local fair. “I’m going to win it this year,” he boasted. When the contest started, Tom dove right in, practically inhaling hot dogs whole. For a few minutes, it looked like he might actually win. But soon, his pace slowed. By the halfway point, he was struggling. Meanwhile, I took my time, steadily working through my hot dogs one by one. In the end, Tom only made it through 7 hot dogs before giving up. I didn’t come close to the winner, who ate a whopping 16 hot dogs, but I did outlast Tom, finishing 9 to his 7. He was pretty disappointed, but I told him he shouldn’t try to compete unless he’s willing to put in the training. After all, you can’t expect to be a Fourth of July hot dog champ without preparation! Tom agreed and said next year, he’d be ready.
23. One Fourth of July when I was a kid, it was brutally hot out, well over 100 degrees. My friend and I had the genius idea of setting up a lemonade stand to cool people down and make some cash. We squeezed lemons by hand, mixed in water and sugar, and lugged our makeshift stand outside. At first, business was slow in the sweltering heat. But eventually people started coming over, eager for a cold drink. Our first customers were skeptical, but after one sip, they were hooked. Word spread about our delicious, ice-cold lemonade, and before long we had a huge line. We could barely keep up with the demand! By the end of the day, we had sold over 50 cups of lemonade and made nearly $40. It was hard work in the July heat, but it was so rewarding running our own little business. To this day, I still think of that Independence Day whenever I drink a nice cold glass of lemonade.
24. One year on July 4th, I convinced my friend Zack to join me in entering the neighborhood three-legged race. We spent weeks practicing, tying our legs together and racing up and down the block. By the time the Fourth rolled around, we felt ready. The starting whistle blew, and we took off, awkwardly tied together but moving pretty well. The race was tough – we nearly wiped out taking a tight turn, and almost trampled some little kids in our path. But Zack and I kept our balance and made it across the finish line in second place! We were bummed not to get first, but proud to earn second place medals. As we sipped cold drinks after the race, we laughed about our near-falls and debated if we could shave off a few seconds to win next year. Though we didn’t get top prize, it was still a Fourth of July I’ll always remember!
25. When I was young, my family and I would go to the same park every Fourth of July to watch the fireworks show. We’d arrive early to get a good spot on the grass, then lay out a big picnic. There’d be hot dogs, chips, watermelon, the works. As the sky grew dark, other families would join in around us, also eager for the show. My siblings and I would run around with sparklers, writing our names in the air. Finally, the first boom would sound, and we’d settle in to watch the bursts of color light up the night sky. With each explosion, we’d let out oohs and aahs. The grand finale always felt like it lasted forever, with explosion after explosion that we were sure would wake up the entire neighborhood. Driving home that night, we’d still be full of energy, recounting our favorite fireworks. I’ll always have wonderful memories of spending my childhood Fourth of Julys with family, enjoying amazing shows.
26. One Fourth of July when I was young, I decided to try my hand at setting off fireworks. My parents had bought a bunch, and I was eager to light some bottle rockets and fountains. I lit the fuse on my first rocket, but instead of shooting up, it whizzed sideways right at some neighborhood kids! Thankfully it didn’t hit them. My next one shot up halfway then fizzled out. The more I tried, the more duds I got. Meanwhile, my dad was lighting things perfectly, distant booms echoing as fireworks burst overhead. I was jealous! Dad noticed me sulking and came over. “Here, let’s do the next one together,” he said. With his help, the rocket soared up and exploded in a shower of white sparks. Dad put his arm around me and said this was a fun but finicky hobby—you couldn’t get upset when things went wrong. Thanks to his guidance, I kept trying and eventually got the hang of setting off my own fireworks. I’ll always remember that lesson in persistence and patience from my dad each Fourth of July.
27. One year for the Fourth of July, my crazy Uncle Joe decided to try and grill a turkey. “It’ll be just like Thanksgiving in summer!” he said. Despite us warning him that poultry and grills don’t mix, he stuffed a full turkey, plopped it on the grill, and proceeded to char it beyond recognition. The entire bird was burned black, practically inedible. But Uncle Joe just laughed it off. He hacked off a piece that wasn’t totally blackened, slapped it between some bread, and declared it “good enough.” No one else was brave enough to try it. For the rest of the night, Uncle Joe kept asking everyone, “How about another bite of my grilled turkey?” We all politely declined while trying not to laugh. That ruined turkey became our inside joke for every July Fourth after. Years later, I’m still amused by Uncle Joe’s total grill fail that Independence Day. It was a disaster but we still had a blast together as a family.
28. Growing up, we always spent July 4th at my grandparents’ farm. We’d start the day with a massive pancake breakfast, then walk around the property lighting firecrackers. Well one year, their goat Matilda got spooked and made a run for it. The fireworks had terrified her! My cousins, siblings, and I took off after Matilda, trying to catch her before she got hurt or lost. She was fast for a goat! Finally, my brother dove and grabbed her leash, stopping her in her tracks. Matilda gave us all a scare, but we were able to get her back safe and sound. We decided firecrackers near the animals weren’t such a good idea after all. Matilda was wary of us for the rest of the day, but she eventually forgave us. We still laugh about the time we almost lost our grandmother’s goat to the Fourth of July fireworks!
29. Last July 4th, we were hosting a big family barbecue. Everyone was gathered in the backyard when suddenly we heard a loud WHIZZ! Our heads whipped up to see a rogue bottle rocket flying over the fence…straight at our elderly Aunt Edna! For a second, all we could do was watch in horror as the rocket shrieked right towards Edna. But miraculously, she whipped out her cane and batted the rocket away just before it hit her! We all cheered Edna’s heroic feat. She just chuckled and said “That wasn’t the first time I’ve been chased by a bottle rocket, you know.” We all cracked up laughing, the tension broken. Our aunt was nearly bombed by an illegal firework, but she knocked it away like a true champ! Just another exciting Independence Day in our family.
30. When I was 10 years old, my friends and I decided we wanted to put on a talent show in our neighborhood cul-de-sac for the Fourth of July. We spent weeks planning our acts, making decorations, and passing out fliers inviting all the neighbors. On the big day, we gathered excitedly, ready to put on our best show. My friend Hannah played the Star Spangled Banner on her trumpet, I told my best jokes, and my brother Luke did magic tricks. Some acts were better than others, but everyone clapped and cheered for each performance. At the end, we passed out flags and popsicles as prizes. All the parents told us they loved the show. Even though it was silly and small, organizing that whole talent show made me feel so grown up and proud. It’s one of my favorite childhood memories, and I still think of it every July Fourth.
31. One year on the Fourth of July, my cousin challenged me to a water balloon toss. We started close, easily throwing and catching the balloons without any breaking. But as we backed up, it got harder. On about the fifth throw, I lobbed the balloon high and my cousin jumped to catch it – but the balloon burst all over him! We thought that was so funny, we ended up just throwing all the balloons at each other, having a huge water fight. My other cousins and siblings joined in. Before long, we were all absolutely drenched but laughing hysterically. That soggy water balloon battle is still one of the most fun times I’ve had on Independence Day over the years.
32. When I was younger, my family always spent the Fourth of July at the lakehouse. We loved being out on the water, grilling burgers on the deck, and watching fireworks light up the night sky. But my favorite memories were the epic flotilla we put together each year. All the neighbors on the lake would gather their boats and decorate them with red, white and blue. We’d even have patriotic music blaring. Then we’d all head out in a line, parading our vessels around for everyone to see. The flotilla was like a nautical Fourth of July parade. My siblings and I would wave little flags as we rode along. There was such a fun, festive atmosphere. It was the best way to celebrate Independence Day on the lake. I loved showing off our decorations each year and seeing what other people came up with. Our flotillas made the holiday feel even more special.
