Everyday Objects Puns (17)
1. I was going to tell a joke about paper, but it was tearable.
2. The spoon was feeling down in the dumps because it thought its life was too shallow.
3. I asked my bed what it thought about current events. It said it didn’t want to make blanket statements.
4. The stapler said it was fed up with its boring desk job and wanted to branch out into a more exciting career.
5. The pillow got arrested for assault and battery after it hit someone in the face.
6. The fridge was so cold, it gave me the chills when I opened it.
7. I caught my toothbrush gossiping behind my back – it was being a real backstabber.
8. The envelope tried to make a clean getaway but was caught red-handed by the cops.
9. My watch keeps insisting it has a second hand, but I only ever see one.
10. The paintbrush was an artist who loved to draw outside the lines.
11. The hammer kept bragging about being the tool-iest guy around.
12. The lightbulb wanted to get more energy efficient, so it decided to switch to LED.
13. The staple remover was fired from its job for being ineffective at pulling things together.
14. The iPad tried to fit in with the cool tech crowd, but it just wasn’t hip enough.
15. The blender thought making smoothies was easy until it realized there was always more to it than meets the ice.
16. The bandage felt it was being taken advantage of because it was just being used as a quick fix.
17. The ladder was looking to move up in the world and reach new heights.
Everyday Objects One-Liners (12)
18. I asked the calculator to multiply but apparently it doesn’t do square roots.
19. I knew my phone charger was shady when it started dealing Watts on the black market.
20. The stapler said it was happy to be out of its box…it felt unpacked with potential.
21. I caught my wallet trying to make a run for it, but no money actually got out.
22. The paperclip asked me to straighten it out…it was bent out of shape.
23. I asked the broom if it was busy and it said it was just sweeping things under the rug.
24. The mirror tried to give me some honest feedback but I didn’t want to hear the ugly truth.
25. My backpack said it was tired of carrying all my emotional baggage.
26. The staple gun said it refused to be pigeon-holed as just an office supply.
27. The envelope tried to deliver my mail on time but it kept getting stamped as late.
28. The pair of scissors wasn’t cutting it for me…I needed someone sharper.
29. The lamp kept telling me corny jokes to lighten the mood.
Best Everyday Objects Jokes (22)
30. I asked my chair what was wrong and it said it just felt overwhelmed by work lately. I told it to take a seat and relax.
31. My alarm clock rang non-stop all night. It was very alarming.
32. I caught my fridge raiding my pantry late at night. It was snacking after midnight.
33. The wall calendar was stressed about the new year approaching. It had a lot of dates circled.
34. The iron told me it was getting pressed for time but would fit me in. I told it not to get all steamed up.
35. The paint can seemed depressed so I told it to brush it off. Art is all how you frame it.
36. The outlet was totally drained and complaining it was overworked. I told it to take a power nap and recharge.
37. The hairbrush said it was having a bad hair day. I told it to comb over it and start fresh tomorrow.
38. The rake wanted to bag out on yard work but I told it to pull itself together and make the most of the fall weather.
39. The toolbox came unhinged when I asked it to organize itself. It had anger management issues.
40. The shampoo bottle emptied itself in protest after I tried a new conditioner. It was causing drama and wanted attention.
41. The sponge got really absorbed in its work washing dishes. I told it to pace itself before it got completely soaked.
42. The light switch kept flipping on and off. It was being bipolar and needed help making up its mind.
43. The broom swept me off my feet when it asked me to go steady. I didn’t want to make any hasty decisions so we’re taking it slow.
44. The refrigerator broke up with the freezer because it thought their relationship was growing cold. The freezer was an ice queen.
45. The pen leaked all over my desk at work. It made a big mess and almost ruined my documents. I told it to keep a lid on things next time.
46. The trash can said it felt like a dump no one wanted to touch. I told it to chin up and look on the bright side – it had a purpose.
47. The toilet paper roll was being clingy and wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom alone. It was smothering me.
48. The window blind refused to open itself in the morning no matter how much I begged. It was extremely shady.
49. The keyboard always types gibberish when I’m not looking. I think it passive aggressively wants me to pay more attention to it.
50. The bathtub drain got clogged with hair and angrily accused me of trying to drown it on purpose. It overreacted big time.
51. My laptop charger keeps disappearing on me right when I need it most. It’s playing hard to get and enjoying the chase a little too much.