Jewelry Puns
- I took my broken necklace to the jewelry hospital to get it repaired. The doctor said it just needed a linkectomy.
- I was going to tell a joke about a precious gem, but na, I’ll just diamond dozen.
- My friend got arrested for stealing a gold chain. He’s now facing some pretty heavy metal charges.
- Why can’t a bicycle stand up by itself? Because it’s two-tired.
- Did you hear about the frustrated jeweler who could never seem to sell any wares? He had a hard time making ends meet.
- I bought my wife a nice pearl necklace for our anniversary. She said she would treasure it always, which I thought was very charmining.
- What do you call a fake precious stone? A sham rock.
- Did you hear about the claustrophobic jeweler? He was having a hard time coping in his career.
- My friend got crushed by a pile of gold and silver pieces. I feel bad for him getting pounded by all that heavy metal.
- I tried to sell my gold wedding band to a pawn shop, but they wouldn’t make me an offer. No one was willing to put a ring on it.
Jewelry One-Liners
- I told my jeweler girlfriend “I love you a carat” – she didn’t find it very cleaver.
- Lost a diamond earring down the drain once – talk about going down the tubes!
- Bought my wife cubic zirconia earrings instead of diamonds – she gave me an earful about that!
- Had my gold stolen by some thieves – boy, those crooks really snatched a good deal!
- Tried to hawk my gold chain at a pawn shop to pay some bills – too bad they weren’t buying my desperate attempts.
- Went to Jared’s and told them “I’m putting a ring on it” – they didn’t find me very charming.
- Lost an emerald ring down a sewer grate – talk about a gem going down the drain!
- Bought my wife a nice tennis bracelet for her birthday – she told me to take it back, not her type of racket!
- Had a jeweler friend who was arrested for theft – talk about grand larceny!
- Saw a guy trying to sell clearly fake diamond rings – what a faux pas!
Best Jewelry Jokes
21. I went to a pawn shop to buy my wife an anniversary gift. I brought the jeweler a picture of a nice diamond necklace and asked “How much for something like that?” He looked at the photo and said, “Ten bucks for the picture.” I guess you could say he wasn’t very charmed by my attempt at haggling!
22. Did you hear about the thief who stole a huge uncut diamond from the museum? He is now facing some pretty rough charges. Apparently the stone was valued at over 2 million dollars! His lapidary skills won’t help him now though – he won’t be polishing anything except license plates!
23. My friend tried to sell the Crown Jewels to a pawn shop just to pay his rent. Apparently he didn’t realize taking the royal gems was a serious offence! Now he’s serving 15 years in the tower for grand larceny against the Queen. When he gets out, he probably won’t have the stones to try something like that again!
24. Did you hear that they arrested a guy trying to steal precious jewels by tunnelling underground into a museum? Looks like his little gem heist didn’t go very smoothly! I guess he hit a rocky patch in his criminal career – got busted by authorities right as he was surfacing with loaded pockets. Talk about a precious crook coming up for air at the wrong moment!
25. What do you call a jeweler who can’t sell any of his merchandise? A guy with a lot of rings but no takers! I tried setting my friend up on a blind date with a nice girl, but told her “He’s a jeweler who can’t seem to sell any wares.” Needless to say, she wasn’t charmed by the idea. Maybe he’d have better luck putting a shine on his sales pitches instead of wasting time polishing brooches!
26. Did you hear about the graft they uncovered at the royal jewellery cleaning service? Talk about tarnishing the good silver! Apparently they had been replacing gems with fakes for years. No wonder so many society ladies were returning tiaras covered in suspicious-looking “diamonds”. After seeing paste stones that big, I’d be crown furious too! Now the royal cleaning staff may be headed to the tower for a little scrub of another kind…
27. What do you get when you cross a bicycle with a gold necklace? A two-tired jeweler just trying to earn a living! My friend is a jeweler who does house calls for wealthy clients needing repairs. He rides his bike all over town making adjustments and polishing precious pieces. Business has been sluggish though and he’s exhausted from pedalling between jobs. I feel bad seeing him work so hard with such poor returns – he’s practically spinning his wheels at this point!
28. Did you hear about the voyeur they caught spying on society ladies trying on diamond rings? Apparently he had hidden cameras all over the jewellery store fitting rooms! Talk about a perverted peeping Tom just trying to catch a glimpse. They hauled him away in handcuffs after catching him leering at footage of debutantes flashing their fingers, if you know what I mean. Something tells me his jewel ogling days are over – he won’t be appraising any uncovered gems for awhile!
29. Why do sharks make great jewel thieves? Because they’re always looking for some nice bling to sink their teeth into! I heard about a hunter who caught a great white with a gold Rolex in its stomach. When he cut the shark open, out popped a perfectly polished watch shining like new! Talk about one lucky swimmer losing some precious cargo. At least it makes for a great fish tale: “Yeah, I found this $10,000 watch inside a shark!”
30. Did you hear about the woman who choked on a diamond earring? A bystander spotted her turning blue and quickly performed the Heimlich maneuver, saving her life. I bet that was the last time she wore dangling jewels to a fancy restaurant! She probably thanks her lucky charms that someone was there to help, otherwise her jewelery could have been the end of her. Just goes to show you should never take your baubles for granted – good thing that nice stranger was there to lend her a hand!
31. Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they’re shellfish! I once knew an oyster who found a pearl and kept it all to himself – didn’t even donate it to the mollusc museum. Eventually another oyster turned him in for hoarding the gem when there were so many needy shellfish out there. Last I heard he got ten years in clam prison! Goes to show greed doesn’t pay, even for bivalves. Best to shuck it forward instead of squirreling your jewels away!
32. Did you hear about the man who accidentally swallowed his wife’s diamond engagement ring? He lost a few pounds and is feeling much lighter now! His wife made him sleep on the couch until he, uh…passed it…but needless to say that was an awkward doctor visit later. I bet he double-checks his chocolate ice cream for hidden sparkles from now on! Thank goodness diamonds are forever – maybe she’ll still let him put that ring back on her finger once he gets it cleaned.
33. Why don’t mummies wear jewellery? They’re afraid it might get stolen! Last time one pharaoh wore his best gold necklace out to a party, some robbers wrapped him up and made off with the goods. When the poor guy finally managed to wriggle free a few weeks later he was sans-jewels and really bandaged. Talk about adding insult to injury. Now he just stays home curled up safely in his sarcophagus instead of glittering the night away.