Irish Puns
- I tried to explain electricity to an Irish friend of mine, but he just couldn’t grasp the current situation.
- I asked my Irish friend if he wanted to hear a construction joke. He said, “Na, I’m still working on the last one you told me!”
- Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to water ski off the coast of Dublin? He said it was the first time he ever saw the Sea Varnishing.
- What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his drinking? A sober man!
- Why don’t people tell Irish jokes anymore? Because Dublin every year!
- Did you hear about the leprechaun who went to jail? He’s a lepre-con!
- How did the Irish jockey get around the track so quickly? He took a short cut.
- Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? Because they’re always a little short.
- What do you get when you cross an Irish Setter with a leprechaun? A red-haired terrier.
- What do you call an Irishman who sits outside all day staring at the ground? Paddy O’Furniture.
Irish One-Liners
- I’m Irish, so I’m used to people stereotyping me as a drunk.
- My Irish friend thinks he’s a leprechaun whisperer.
- Never ask an Irishman for directions, you’ll end up at the pub!
- Ireland is the only place you can get frostbitten and sunburned at the same time.
- Top o’ the morning to ya – as long as that morning starts after 10am!
- Irish diplomacy is the ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he looks forward to making the trip.
- I gave up drinking for Lent. That’s when I found out liquor’s not the problem, it’s missing Lent that’s tough!
- Leprechauns aren’t good dancers because they have two left feet.
- An Irishman walks out of a bar. It could happen!
- I’m Irish. We don’t tan well. We drink well. Hell, we even die well.
Best Irish Jokes
21. Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey”.
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
22. Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’ The man said, ‘I do, Father.’
The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’ Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’ ‘Certainly, Father,’ the man replied. ‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’ O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’ The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’ O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’
23. An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’
‘Just water,’ says the priest.
The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’
The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’
24. Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’
‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’
‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’
‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’
She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’
25. An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
‘So,’ says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?’
‘Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,’ slurs the drunk.
‘Well,’ says the cop, ‘it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.’
‘I did all right,’ the drunk says with a smile.
‘Did you know,’ says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, ‘that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?’
‘Oh, thank heavens,’ sighs the drunk. ‘For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.’
26. Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.”
“That’s grand!” shouted Reilly. “Does that mean I can keep the money?”
27. An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying “I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork… Have you actually ever tasted it?”
The Rabbi said, “I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.”
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, “Your religion, too… I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But…”
The priest replied, “Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.”
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, “Better than pork, isn’t it?”
28. Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
29. The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they’re always assured of having a worthy opponent.
30. An American lawyer asked, “Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?”
“Who told you that?” asked Paddy.
31. Question – Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer – So the English can understand them.
32. Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”
“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”
33. An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.
“Not a chance”, she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”
“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Drop it into his morning coffee. He won’t taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”
It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, “Terrible, doc, terrible!”
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. I was so excited and romantic that I got into bed, slowly removed my nightie, and then he noticed that I was naked,” she said.
“Then what happened?” asked the doctor.
“He jumped up, stomped out of the room, and slammed the door on his way out!” she replied.
“I just don’t understand, doctor, what went wrong?”
“Listen Up,” the doctor said, “Next time, no more Nescafé. Use the real thing!”
34. Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, “Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantle piece?”
“No,” said himself, “but I’m gettin’ closer all the time.”
35. Seamus do be working at an aquarium and is responsible for cleaning the tank of a rare whale. The whale be dying and Seamus tells the owner that it’s very likely due to the water being dirty.
The owner angrily responds, “’tis not possible, you just changed the water last week!”.
Seamus thinks for a moment and says “Aye, you’re right. Maybe he’s just homesick.”
36. An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable. His wife says, “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. “What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
“Here boy.” he replies.
37. Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey”.
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
38. Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.”
“That’s grand!” shouted Reilly. “Does that mean I can keep the money?”
39. An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’
‘Just water,’ says the priest.
The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’
The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’
40. Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’
‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’
‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’
‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’
She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’
41. An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
‘So,’ says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?’
‘Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,’ slurs the drunk.
‘Well,’ says the cop, ‘it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.’
‘I did all right,’ the drunk says with a smile.
‘Did you know,’ says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, ‘that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?’
‘Oh, thank heavens,’ sighs the drunk. ‘For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.’
42. An Irishman’s dog dies and the vet tells him, “You want a death certificate?” The Irishman replies, “No thanks, I can bury him in the backyard for free.”
43. How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? He’s Dublin over with laughter!
44. What’s Irish and sits outside all summer long? Paddy O’Furniture!
45. Why don’t Irish couples sleep in the same bed? The word is spreading!