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55 Funny ID Card Jokes

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55 Funny ID Card Jokes

ID Card Puns (15)

  1. I tried to use my library card as ID to get into a bar. The bouncer said, “Sorry, no books allowed.”
  2. Working as an ID checker is not my dream job, but it will get me through the door.
  3. I lost my ID card, but I’m not too worried. My identity is still in tact.
  4. The expiration date on my ID card is wrong. It says I’m no longer valid, but I feel just fine.
  5. Getting a new ID photo taken is no fun. It always comes out looking flaw-ID.
  6. I laminated my library card to try and turn it into an ID. Now I have a clear case of mis-card-ification.
  7. I tried to use my Costco card as ID at the bar, but they saw right through my member-ship.
  8. Working as a bouncer checking IDs is not intellectually stimulating, but it pays the bills.
  9. I lost 20 pounds recently and my driver’s license photo no longer looks like me. I guess I have a case of mistaken ID-entity.
  10. My friend got arrested for using a fake ID, but I bailed him out. I guess I sprung him through false identification.
  11. Getting carded at my age is just in-card-ible!
  12. My identity was stolen and the thief has been going on a spending spree. It’s been a huge case of mis-ID-direction.
  13. I laminated my library card but it didn’t turn into a valid ID. Now that’s what I call plastic card-d.
  14. Working as a bouncer is not intellectually stimulating, but at least I can spot trouble from a card away.
  15. Getting carded at the liquor store is flattering. I’ll drink ID to that!

ID Card One-Liners (15)

  1. My ID card is so old, it lists my job title as court jester.
  2. My ID photo makes me look like I crawled out of the phantom zone.
  3. My fingers were crossed when I took my oath in the ID photo – so it’s not technically official.
  4. I renewed my ID online to save time, apparently it was a phishing scam because this new one says I’m a 95 year old woman named Mildred.
  5. Who looks better – me or the zombie version in my ID photo?
  6. My ID card says organ donor… at least it’s nice to know someone might want part of me after I die!
  7. My ID photo expired 2 years before I was born.
  8. Bouncer: This ID says you’re 35… Me: Thanks, I moisturize.
  9. This ID was printed when Pluto was still a planet.
  10. ID checker: This card is a fake. Me: No it’s not, *sniff*, my mom said she made it just for me!
  11. The DMV must’ve mixed up my photo with someone in witness protection – my ID pic belongs in the post office.
  12. 1965 called, they want their ID photo back.
  13. At least if I lose my ID, my ugly photo can’t fall into the wrong hands.
  14. This ID card is so old, it still calls me by my maiden name.
  15. Bouncer: This ID expired 10 years ago. Me: Well I’ve been 21 for 15 years now!

Best ID Card Jokes (25)

  1. I went to get a new ID photo taken the other day. The photographer positioned me, adjusted the lighting, took a look at my face and said, “I think you should consider wearing a little makeup next time.” So I punched him in the nose and said, “I think you need a little makeup right now!”
  2. So I was out at a bar and handed the bouncer my ID. He scanned it, gave me a puzzled look, and said, “This ID says you’re already inside the bar.” I laughed and said, “Yeah, that’s me alright. Already inside having a drink!” Thankfully he had a good sense of humor about it.
  3. I accidentally washed my ID card with a load of laundry the other day. Now I’m in trouble for money laundering and identity fraud!
  4. When I renewed my driver’s license last year, I purposefully made a silly face in my new photo. Now every time I get carded at a bar, the bouncers have a good laugh about my ridiculous expression. Little do they know, I’m secretly judging them for never noticing the ID expired 6 months ago!
  5. My friend got her identity stolen recently. She told me about it when I ran into her at the DMV. She was trying to get a new license printed but was running into issues because her impersonator already came in for a replacement card last week! So now there’s two of her walking around with valid IDs.
  6. I went to a big house party in college and lost my ID card at some point during the crazy night. The next morning, I had several texts from unknown numbers saying they found my ID on the ground. I told them all I already got it back, just so a bunch of strangers wouldn’t have my address and information! Hope none of them actually tried to steal my identity.
  7. When I turned 21, my friends threw me a big birthday party and gave me a bunch of lottery scratch tickets as gag gifts. I scratched them all off even though I knew they weren’t winners. When the bouncer carded me at the bars later that night, he saw all the silver scratch tickets falling out of my wallet and genuinely thought I had won thousands of dollars in the lottery earlier that day. If only!
  8. Back in college, we would strategically pass around one really good fake ID between a group of my underage friends when we went out to bars each weekend. We would take turns being the “chosen one” who carried it for the night. I swear that card managed to get 20 different people drunk for 3 years straight before a bouncer finally confiscated it. RIP fake Montana license, you were too beautiful for this world!
  9. One time when I got my ID checked at a liquor store, the cashier scanned it and stared at his screen for a few seconds before looking up and asking “Why does it say here you were born in 2048?” I laughed nervously and said “Uh, yeah the DMV printer must have malfunctioned. Last time I try to time travel AND buy alcohol on the same day!” Thankfully he just shook his head and laughed rather than call the cops.
  10. My buddy got back his renewed license with the new photo and officially declared it “the worst ID picture known to man.” Literally 5 minutes after he said that, we walked by a wall of shame at the campus post office covered in confiscated fake IDs from underage students over the years. After comparing his pic to a few of those phony cards, he retracted his previous statement REAL quick!
  11. When I was still 17 but wanted to get into all the cool campus parties, my friend made me a very legit-looking fake ID. The only catch was she listed my age as 81 instead of 21, because she thought that was less suspicious than having an exact birth year a few decades too late. Surprisingly the outrageous age actually worked way better than expected as an excuse when bouncers called me out! I had a great year partying as an 81 year old undergrad before I turned 21.
  12. I went to the DMV on my lunch break last week to get a renewed license printed. When the new ID printed out, the lady apologetically told me it smeared and was unusable, so I had to get new photos taken. I was running short on time, so she rushed me through at the photo station without checking if the pics were any better. Turns out she took them immediately after I choked on my sandwich – so now I have to live with this beautiful photo of me hacking up my lunch for the next 8 years. Check your ID proofs people!