Hockey Puns
1. I tried to ice skate, but it was a puck-le.
2. I was going to tell a hockey joke but decided to pass.
3. What do you call a hockey player in a phone booth? Claustrophobic!
4. My friend got hit in the head with a hockey puck. Luckily it was just a concussion, so no harm done!
5. I asked my friend if he wanted to watch a hockey game. He said “Sure, as long as they don’t use those silly sticks.” I said “You mean hockey sticks?” He said “Yeah, those things are pointless!”
6. Did you hear about the hockey player who got cold feet? He decided not to lace up his skates!
7. Why can’t you trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
8. I went to watch my first hockey game and was surprised that the puck kept getting lost. What a waste of time!
9. What do you call a hockey player who gets drafted by a bad team? A victim of puck circumstances!
10. How do hockey players stay cool during games? They stand in front of their fans!
11. Did you hear about the new restaurant called Hockey Pucks? Their specialty is floor pie!
12. My friend got hit in the head with a hockey puck during a game. I asked if he was okay, but he didn’t respond. I think he’s still concussed!
13. What do you call a hockey player who gets arrested? A puck-up!
14. Why don’t ants go to hockey games? Because they get bored watching the same old rink!
15. Why did the hockey player bring string onto the ice? Just in case he needed to goalie some shoes!
Hockey One-Liners
16. I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
17. Hockey is figure skating with a contact sport breaking out.
18. I love hockey, except for the last two minutes. That’s nap time.
19. Hockey players wear numbers because you can’t always identify the body with dental records.
20. I went to a boxing match last night and a hockey game broke out.
21. Give blood: play rugby. Give more blood: play hockey.
22. Why do they call it playoff hockey instead of trauma time? No idea.
23. Hockey is more fun to watch when you’re the ref.
24. The only equipment you really need for hockey is a TV.
25. Hockey combines the best features of Hunger Games and concussions.
Best Hockey Jokes
26. Two hockey players were eating at a diner. One of them suddenly started choking and gasping for air. The other hockey player jumped up, picked up the choking man, and performed the Heimlich maneuver on him, saving his life. The man who had been choking was so grateful he said “Thank you so much! How can I ever repay you?”. The other hockey player said “Don’t worry about it, just remember to tip the waitress.”
27. An avid hockey fan was attending his first live NHL game. When the first brawl broke out on the ice, he turned to his friend and said excitedly “Wow, when do they start playing hockey?”
28. A die-hard hockey fan was on his deathbed as his wife sat by his bedside. With his last ounce of strength he asked “Dear, who is winning the hockey game?” His wife replied gently “I’m afraid it’s 14 to 2 in the third period.” The man shook his head and said “Damn, get me my skates and jersey! This game ain’t over yet!”
29. Three hockey players walk into a bar covered in bruises. The bartender asks “Rough game today boys?” One replies “Nah, the game was canceled. This was the parking lot.”
30. A minor league hockey team was desperately in need of funding. They had lost so many games that the stands were completely empty every night. Finally, the coach came up with a brilliant idea. Before the next game he called the local retirement home and invited all the senior citizens to attend for free. The word spread quickly and that night the arena was packed. The home team ended up winning 10-2. The next morning the local newspaper’s front page headline read “Old Folks Home.”
31. How do you get a hockey player off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza.
32. Did you hear about the hockey player who was having trouble with his temper? He decided to hire a short-term caddy.
33. Did you hear about the hockey player who got caught stealing a calendar? He got 12 months.
34. Why do hockey players rest during periods? Because they can’t control themselves!
35. What do you call a hockey player in a marching band? A drummer boy!
36. Why do hockey players hate jury duty? Because they already get penalized enough at work!
37. Did you hear about the hockey player who bought a zoo? He wanted to restart his old animal instincts.
38. Why was the hockey player upset after he polished his skates? He realized it was all for naught!
39. Why was the hockey player hired as a wedding minister? He wanted to work as a professional ringer!
40. Did you hear about the hockey player who became a livestock judge? He wanted to pursue a more stocked career path!
41. Why did the hockey player invest in Bitcoin? He wanted to diversi-puck his portfolio!
42. Why did the hockey player switch to playing tennis? He wanted to raise the net worth of his game!
43. Did you hear about the hockey player who became an arborist? He wanted to branch out!
44. Why did the hockey player invest in a bakery? He was hoping to score some dough!
45. Did you hear about the hockey player who became a meteorologist? He wanted to forecast a different career!
46. Why did the hockey player decide to get his pilot’s license? He wanted to fly straight into a new profession!
47. Did you hear about the hockey player who became a psychologist? He wanted to get inside people’s heads off the ice too!
48. Why did the hockey player open up a jewelry store? He wanted to get more rings!
49. Did you hear about the hockey player who switched to basketball? He was tired of so many puck-ups!
50. Why did the hockey player start a mindfulness podcast? To increase awareness on and off the rink!
51. Did you hear about the hockey player who became a trucker? He wanted to haul in a new career!
52. Why did the hockey player go back to school to become an engineer? He was looking to build up his future!
53. Did you hear about the hockey player who became a dairy farmer? He wanted to milk his career options!
