Height Puns
1. I guess you could say my friend is of short stature. You might even call him…low down.
2. My friend was feeling down about his height. I told him to chin up!
3. Did you hear about the vertically challenged criminal? He was brought in on small charges.
4. I used to make fun of my friend for being so short. But he got even with me in the end…or should I say the beginning?
5. I wanted to poke fun at my petite pal, but I decided to take the high road instead.
6. My little buddy was tired of short jokes. He said the next person who cracked one would have to answer to him face-to-face.
7. I told my short friend we should go out for drinks at a bar with low stools. Turns out the little guy had a Napoleon complex!
8. I made a joke about my friend’s height and he got short with me. I guess I touched a little nerve.
9. I ran into a dwarf criminal the other day. I wasn’t sure if I should call him smalltime or shorttimer.
10. Did you hear about the vertically challenged girl who got angry when people made fun of her? I guess you could say she was a little sensitive about her height.
11. Why was the petite woman upset when her friends joked about her size? She was tired of always being the butt of their short jokes.
12. I wanted to poke fun at my short friend but he said he’d already heard all the little quips.
Height One-Liners
13. Don’t make fun of short people…they’ve got good memories and long arms.
14. I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.
15. What has two legs but can’t walk? Half a pair of pants.
16. Why couldn’t the dwarf reach the doorknob? He was just a little short.
17. Want to hear a joke about construction? Nvm, I’m still working on it.
18. What do you call someone under 4 feet tall? Ankle biter.
19. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
20. Did you hear about the angry pancake? It just flipped.
21. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
22. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
23. I couldn’t figure out how the seatbelt worked. Then it just clicked.
Best Height Jokes
24. One day a very short man walks into a bar and sits down. He notices a woman sitting next to him who can’t stop giggling. Annoyed he says, “What’s so funny about me?! Is it because I’m so short?!”
The woman replies, “No sir, I’m a ventriloquist and it looks like you have a little person on your shoulder!”
25. A short man was tired of people making fun of him for his height. He decided to get lifts in his shoes to make himself taller. As he walked down the street in his new heels, he felt elated. At last he was as tall as everyone else! Just then he heard a child yell out “Mommy, look at that little man!” He turned around angrily but didn’t see any child there. Then he realized the voice had come from behind him – the child was making fun of how short he STILL was even with lifts on!
26. A very short man goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him suspiciously and asks to see his ID. The man shows his driver’s license. The bartender squints at it and says, “It says here you’re 5 feet tall. There’s no way!” The short man hops off his bar stool, slaps $20 on the counter, and says angrily, “I did not come here to be insulted! Keep the change!” And he stomps out. He comes back an hour later and asks the bartender politely for his change. The bartender replies “I told you – you’re too short to drink here!”
27. Three men, one very tall, one medium height, and one very short, walk into a talent agency. The man in charge looks at them skeptically and asks “What can you guys do?” The tall man goes first and juggles 5 bowling pins adeptly. “Nice!” says the agent. The medium man goes next and effortlessly juggles 3 chainsaws. “Amazing!” says the agent. Finally the short man steps up. Carefully he pulls a tiny piano and miniature bench out of his bag. He sits down, stretches his fingers, and plays a flawless rendition of a Mozart concerto. The agent is floored. He says “That was incredible! You guys are so talented! But I’m going to level with you – I’m not sure what I can book you for. Let me think about it.” After they leave, the agent calls them back in individually. “I’ve figured it out,” he says to the tall guy. I can book you at kids’ birthday parties.” He says to the medium guy “You’ll be a great fit for America’s Got Talent.” Finally he says to the short man “Here’s what I can do – the circus is in town next week…”
28. A very short man is walking down the street minding his own business when he’s accosted by a rowdy drunk. “Hey! Hey you!” the drunk shouts. “Can you even SEE over the steering wheel? How do you drive?” The short man tries to ignore him and keep walking but the drunk persists. “Hey buddy, how tall are you anyway? Three feet? Four feet?” Finally the short man turns around and says “You know, I’m actually taller when I stand on my wallet.” He then pulls a thick wallet out, flips it open revealing a line of credit cards and hundred dollar bills. The drunk man’s jaw drops open in shock. The short man just winks and keeps walking.
29. An extremely short man walks into an antique shop. Looking around in awe at the amazing items, he spots a beautiful old oil lamp tucked away on a high shelf. Excitedly he waves over the shopkeeper and asks “How much for that lamp up there?” The shopkeeper looks where he’s pointing and says “Oh that one? For a man your size I’d give it to you for a nickel.” The short man’s face turns red with anger. “Now see here! Just because I’m short doesn’t mean I don’t have money!” He pulls out his wallet and slaps $100 on the counter. “I’ll pay full price!” The shopkeeper looks down at him sadly. “Sir, the full price is 5 cents. I was giving you a discount because you seem so small and polite.”
30. A very short man goes to the doctor because he’s been feeling down. After running some tests, the doctor says “Well, physiologically everything checks out okay. Tell me – how’s your social life?” The man replies “Not great. Everyone makes fun of me for being so short.” The doctor nods sympathetically. “I see. Have you considered buying tall platform shoes so you appear taller?” The man’s face lights up. “Now THAT is a great idea. I’ll look like an average height person and stop getting teased!” The next week the man comes back beaming. “Doc, I took your advice. I got the tallest platform shoes and lifts money can buy! I tower over people now – they don’t laugh at me anymore. By the way, do you have any advice for a cure for vertigo?”
31. Three men of varying heights check into a motel for the night. The man at the counter looks at them strangely and asks if they’d like one room or two. The tallest man speaks up: “Just one room is fine, we don’t mind sharing.” That night as they get ready for bed it becomes clear there’s a problem – the shortest man can’t reach the sink to brush his teeth. The middle one suggests, “Hey use my back as a step stool!” So the shortest stands on him to reach the sink. When it’s time to climb into bed they realize there’s another issue – it’s too high off the ground! So the tallest man lies down first, the middle man clambers over him, and the shortest uses their bodies as a ladder up into bed. In the middle of the night the shortest man wakes up needing to use the bathroom but can’t get down off the bed. He tries waking his friends but they don’t budge. Finally he shrugs and pees right there off the edge of the bed onto the tallest man’s face. The tall man wakes up spluttering and shouts “Alright, next time we’re getting two rooms!”
32. A very short man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sits down at a table. When the waiter comes to take his order, the man looks at the menu and says “I’d like the Pu Pu Platter and two fortune cookies please.” The waiter nods. A few minutes later he returns with a single fortune cookie on a napkin. Frowning, the short man says “Excuse me, I ordered two fortune cookies.” The waiter replies “Yes, but your fortune say ‘Confucius say man who stand on toilet high on pot.'”
33. A short man is at his high school reunion when he runs into the girl who used to tease him about his height. She says “Mark! Wow, I heard you became a huge success.” Trying to sound nonchalant, he replies “Yeah, I run a big hotel chain now.” Impressed, she asks “Really?? Which hotel?” He thinks fast and lies “The Mark Inn.” She looks puzzled. “The Mark Inn? I’ve never heard of it.” He shrugs. “Oh well, it’s only for the high society.” Getting annoyed, she pries “Seriously Mark, where is this hotel of yours located anyway?” Flustered, the short man blurts out “Umm, I’ve got Marquette inns all over the country!”
34. A very short man goes on vacation to Hawaii. As he’s relaxing under a palm tree with his tropical drink, he notices two beautiful women looking his way and giggling. Feeling self-conscious, he thinks: I hope they’re not laughing at my height! Trying not to pay them any attention, he continues reading his book. A few minutes later, one of the women saunters over. Smiling flirtatiously, she says in a sultry voice “Hey there short stuff! My friend thinks you’re really cute. We were both wondering…is it true what they say about short guys?” The man blushes bright red. Not wanting to offend the attractive woman, he mumbles “Um, maybe?” She grins mischievously. “I knew it! Come on, let’s go back to my room.” As the woman drags him away eagerly, the short man shouts over his shoulder “I was wrong, it’s NOT true!”
35. Why are pirates called pirates? Because they just arrrrr!
36. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
37. Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes? Because they’d crack each other up!
38. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved!
39. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
40. I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
41. What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
42. Why did the mushroom get invited to all the parties? Because he was a fungi!
43. Why can’t bicycles stand on their own? They’re two tired!
44. What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
45. What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador!
46. What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad!
47. What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious!
