Halloween Puns (20)
1. I heard Dracula can’t make up his mind. One minute he’s a vampire, the neck minute he’s a bat!
2. Why didn’t the skeleton go to prom? He had no body to go with!
3. What do ghosts eat for breakfast? Boo-berry cereal!
4. Why didn’t the mummy take time off? He was afraid to unwind!
5. Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!
6. What do you call two witches who live together? Broom-mates!
7. Why didn’t the zombie go to school? He felt rotten!
8. Why can’t mummies take a vacation? They’re afraid to relax and unwind!
9. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend!
10. What’s a mummy’s favorite type of music? Wrap!
11. Why do vampires seem sick? They’re always coffin!
12. What do you call a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist!
13. Why can’t you tell a joke to a skeleton? They don’t have ears!
14. Why didn’t the ghost go to the party? He had no body to go with!
15. Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers!
16. What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert? I Scream!
17. Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos!
18. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite!
19. Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have the guts!
20. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand-witch!
Halloween One-Liners (20)
21. I was going to wear my camo costume this Halloween but I couldn’t find it!
22. A ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka…but it goes right through him!
23. What’s a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist!
24. I’m really looking forward to Halloween this year – it falls on a Wednesday!
25. Why didn’t the skeleton go trick or treating? He had no body to go with.
26. What rooms do ghosts avoid? The living room!
27. Why don’t mummies take vacations? They’re afraid to relax and unwind!
28. Two monsters went to a party. Suddenly one said to the other, “Let’s get out of here, this place is dead!”
29. What instrument do skeletons play? The trom-bone!
30. Why didn’t the ghost see the movie? He didn’t have the guts!
31. What do you call a fat pumpkin? A plumpkin!
32. What do ghosts serve for dessert? Ice scream!
33. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend!
34. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
35. Why didn’t the zombie go to school? He felt rotten!
36. What’s a ghost’s favorite fruit? Booberries!
37. What do you get if you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.
38. Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the Halloween party? He had no body to dance with.
39. I’m so excited for Halloween I wet my plants!
40. What do you call two witches who live together? Broom-mates!
Best Halloween Jokes (64)
41. A man was walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night when behind him he hears:
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER…
FASTER…
FASTER…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…
and,
The coffin stops.
42. A family of vampires moved into a neighborhood and none of the neighbors were happy about it. After a month, the neighbors got together and approached the head vampire.
“We don’t want you here!” they exclaimed.
The head vampire was confused and asked why.
One of the neighbors explained, “You’re vampires! We don’t want blood-suckers in this neighborhood.”
The head vampire replied, “But we’re just a regular family, we don’t drink blood or anything.”
The neighbors insisted, “We don’t believe you. We want you out!”
Finally, the vampire relented and said, “OK, if any of my family drinks even a drop of blood, we’ll move out immediately.”
The neighbors agreed to give them a chance.
A few weeks went by and the vampires were model citizens, even participating in neighborhood events. But sure enough, one night, the neighbors gathered outside the vampire house holding torches and pitchforks.
The head vampire opened the door and asked what was going on.
“Your son was seen drinking blood!” The neighbors shouted angrily.
“That can’t be right!” Replied the vampire. He turned and called to his son, “Edward, did you drink any blood?”
From inside the dark house came a sheepish reply, “I thucked my fumb juft a wittle.”
43. A family decided to get a Halloween costume for their baby. The mother went out shopping and brought home a few different options to show her husband.
The first costume she showed him was a vampire outfit with a black cape and fangs. The husband said, “No, that’s too scary for a baby!”
The next costume was a devil outfit with horns and a pitchfork. The husband said, “Absolutely not, that’s way too evil looking!”
Finally, the mother showed him a cute pumpkin costume. The husband nodded approvingly and said, “Perfect! Let’s dress him up as a drunk for Halloween.”
44. On Halloween night, a police officer was patrolling an area known for rowdy partying. He saw two vampires stumbling down the street. The officer pulled up beside them and told them they were staggering. The vampires responded, “No ossifer, we’re Dracula and hiccup!”
45. Billy’s kindergarten class was having a Halloween party, where everyone was allowed to wear costumes. Billy’s mom searched everywhere but could only find one costume in Billy’s size – a dracula costume. Although a bit unsure, she got it for him anyway.
At the party, Billy’s mom approached his teacher. “I hope the costume is okay, I know dracula is scary but it’s all they had.”
The teacher smiled and said, “It’s totally fine! In fact, there’s already 2 other draculas, 3 zombies, 4 pirates and 5 princesses. Your son is fitting right in.”
46. On Halloween night, a police officer saw someone driving erratically down the road. He pulled the driver over and asked for license and registration. The driver said, “I don’t have a license. I’m actually dead, you see?”
The officer looked closer and sure enough, the driver was pale and gray with lifeless eyes.
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” said the officer. “Can I at least see some form of ID?”
“Sure,” said the undead driver. He reached into his wallet and pulled out a worm-eaten library card. It read: “Zombie, Rotting. Expiration date: Brains.”
47. Billy’s first grade class was having a Halloween party. The teacher announced, “We are going to play musical chairs now. When the music stops, you must find a seat. The person left standing is out.”
The game started and the kids ran around chairs laughing and shrieking. When the music stopped, Billy was left standing.
“So sorry Billy, you’re out!” said the teacher.
“But that’s not fair!” complained Billy. “Frankenstein was hogging two chairs the whole time!”
48. On Halloween night, John’s mother overheard him praying. “Dear God, please bring back my dad’s life insurance policy that he accidentally lost last week.”
His mom interrupted, “John, that’s not how prayer works. And that’s a strange thing to pray about.”
John replied, “But mom, tonight is a night when miracles can happen!”
49. Two monsters were discussing what makes humans scared.
The first monster said, “I think humans get scared when they see ghosts.”
The second monster disagreed. “No way, spiders and snakes are much scarier to humans.”
This went back and forth until finally they saw a human walking by and decided to ask them directly.
The first monster jumped out and yelled “Boo!” but the human just kept walking. Then the second monster dropped a big fake spider in front of the human but they walked right past it.
Confused, the monsters asked the human what they were afraid of most.
The human gulped and whispered “I’m afraid of monsters like you.”
50. Billy’s parents were going out for dinner on Halloween night and asked the babysitter to take him trick-or-treating. At bedtime, the babysitter told Billy, “Make sure to say your prayers.”
Billy knelt down and started praying, “God bless mommy, daddy, the babysitter, Casper the friendly ghost…”
The babysitter interrupted, “Uh sweetie, Casper isn’t real.”
Billy looked up and said, “Oh he’s real all right. You should see him right now floating above your head!”
51. On Halloween night, a woman was home alone watching scary movies. During one intense scene, she heard a strange sound coming from the kitchen. Nervously, she crept towards the kitchen holding a flashlight. She searched everywhere but couldn’t find anything. Just as she decided her mind was playing tricks on her, she spotted something move out of the corner of her eye. She whipped around and came face to face with… her husband putting ice cream in a bowl. He had come home early from his trip. “Why are you sneaking around like that? You scared me half to death!” she shouted. The husband replied, “Sorry honey, but isn’t that the point of Halloween?”
52. Billy came downstairs in his Halloween costume. His parents were surprised to see their 8 year old son dressed up in a suit with a briefcase.
“Billy, what are you supposed to be?” they asked.
Billy replied, “I’m dressed up as my dad for Halloween!”
The mom said, “But you don’t look anything like your dad.”
Billy said, “I know I don’t look like dad, but I left work early, came home grumpy, and fell asleep on the couch just like him!”
53. Little Billy came home crying on Halloween night. Concerned, his mother asked what happened.
“Everyone at the party made fun of my costume! They all said I was stupid for dressing up as a peanut.” Billy sobbed.
His mother replied, “Don’t listen to them sweetie. They’re just jealous they didn’t look as nuts as you!”
54. A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good,” said the first bat, “Because I DIDN’T!”
55. Once there was an old farmer who lived by himself. For the past 15 Halloweens kids had come to his home to vandalize it. They would smash pumpkins on his porch, egg his house, teepee the trees in his yard, and worse. He would clean it all up the next day muttering about how rotten kids are.
On Halloween night he decided enough was enough. He grabbed his shotgun and sat on his front porch waiting for the first sign of trouble. Around 10pm he heard giggling coming from his cornfield. He walked over just in time to see a group of high schoolers running out with armfuls of corn they had stolen.
“You kids better put that corn back and get out of my field before I fill you with buckshot!” he yelled. The kids laughed and mocked him. Then suddenly a loud cackle rang out from the field behind them. The teens froze in terror as a 15 foot tall scarecrow with glowing red eyes came stomping out of the field and chased them off the property.
The old man smiled and said “Thanks for the help this year, Harold.”
56. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition on Halloween night. Much to his delight, he ended up winning 1st prize! As he stepped onto the podium to accept his trophy, the judges whispered nervously to each other. Finally, one of them mustered up the courage to ask – “Sir, exactly what are you made of?”
Frankenstein proudly declared, “I’m 100% organic free range natural ingredients!”
57. A witch was getting tired of living in the forest by herself. One Halloween night, she decided to go out and mingle with the townspeople. She put on her best party dress and fixed her hair just right. Looking in the mirror she thought, “Hey, I actually look normal for once!”
When she got to the party, she tried talking to people but they ignored her. After an hour of awkwardly standing alone, she walked home feeling dejected. “I did everything right but they still avoided me” she thought sadly.
Then she passed a pond and saw her reflection. She had forgotten to take her hat off! No wonder no one talked to the witch with a tall black hat and broom. She sighed and said to her reflection, “I may look normal on the outside but I’m still a witch on the inside.”
58. The day after Halloween, the kids in Miss Smith’s first grade class were all buzzing with excitement as they compared notes about their trick-or-treating adventures.
Miss Smith said, “Let’s all share about our Halloween costumes too! Who wants to go first?”
Sally raised her hand. “I was a princess! I wore a big poofy blue dress and a sparkly crown.”
“That sounds lovely!” said Miss Smith. “Who else has a fun costume story?”
Little Billy slowly lifted his hand. “Well…I was a ghost this year. But when I got home, I was so tired that I fell asleep with my costume still on. In the middle of the night I woke up needing to use the bathroom. Half-asleep, I got up to walk down the hall. When I passed the mirror, I saw myself and it scared me so much that I had an accident right there!”
The whole class erupted in laughter as Billy sheepishly sunk into his seat.
59. A family hosted a big Halloween party complete with creepy decorations, spooky music, and guests in costume. Their young son Tommy was so excited he could barely stand still.
When the first guests arrived, Tommy rushed to the door yelling “Boo!” He ran around all night jumping out to surprise people and showing off his zombie costume.
By 9 PM