I asked the glove maker if business was going well. She said it has its ups and downs.
The boxer entered the ring wearing bright red gloves. I guess you could say he was ready to deliver some punch lines.
I saw a help wanted sign at the hand wear store that said “Searching for new mitt-takes to join our team.”
When the fingers fell off my old gloves, I knew it was time to give them the hand-me-downs.
Our glove factory just hired a new leather craftsman. We decided to give him a big hands welcome.
The glove designer unveiled her latest creation – gloves with built-in hand sanitizer dispensers. I guess you could call them clean mittens.
I was struggling to thread my glove’s loose string back through the hole. I asked my wife if she could lend a hand in glove repair.
My fingers got frostbitten while I was out shoveling snow without gloves. I guess you could say I got some cold hands.
I bought some faulty welding gloves that offered no protection from the heat. I returned them immediately and demanded to get a new mitt match.
The beginning knitter made his first pair of gloves, but they had six fingers each. I guess you could call them mis-mittens.
When I lost my favorite pair of gloves, my friend crocheted me an exact replacement pair. I was so moved by her act of mitt-ens that I cried tears of glove joy.
I was nervous on my first day working at the baseball glove factory. But after orienteering myself around the equipment, I soon got a hand-le on things.
Gloves One-Liners
My glovemaker aunt is very handy with knitting needles.
Even touchscreen gloves need a hand adjusting to new phones.
Getting poked by a cactus with gardening gloves on still hurts like the prickly dickens!
Holding hands is truly difficult whilst wearing two pairs of thick winter gloves.
My clumsy attempt at making homemade gloves ended up more like weird wool mittens for aliens.
My new running gloves provide grip and warmth, though having individual toe slots admittedly looks a bit strange.
My oven mitt collection features colorful patterned fabrics, though in functionality they all handle hot items equally well.
Big bulky gloves can make mundane tasks like peeling an orange difficult, though the tradeoff for warmth is worth it on cold days.
Getting clear fingerprints whilst wearing latex gloves takes patient dusting and ideal lighting conditions…or at least a good CSI team.
Even flame-retardant firefighting gloves can’t protect skin from all burns, but they provide critical extra seconds to avoid truly terrible injuries.
There’s no glove substitute that provides thedexterity needed for intricate surgeries, though a warm hand-blanket is still appreciated in chilly operating rooms!
Wearing thick gloves whilst woodcarving may prevent some hand injuries but sacrificing tactilefeedback often results in messier unfinished projects.
Best Gloves Jokes
Last winter I bought my young niece some adorable pink mittens with kittens on them. When I gave them to her I said, “I got you these mittens because your little hands get so cold.” She inspected them and said suspiciously, “Are you sure these were made for hands? They look an awful lot like kitten gloves to me!”
My wife was frustrated trying to wrap tiny Christmas gifts while wearing her bulky winter gloves. After dropping and re-picking up the same ornament four times, she cried out “These gloves are completely useless! I might as well wrap gifts with baseball mitts on!” I chuckled and suggested she use mittens next time. She threw a glove at my head.
I took my seven year old daughter Zoe skiing for the first time. We got all geared up in heavy jackets, snow pants, goggles, and thick gloves. When we got to the top of the bunny slope, Zoe looked down nervously and said “Daddy, I’m scared to go down the hill.” I pointed out all the little kids already skiing. She considered them carefully as they zig-zagged down the slope, then turned back to me and said firmly, “Daddy those children only have two gloves. I have four gloves so I will go MUCH faster.”
My teenage son Kevin never wakes up on time for school. One morning I tried to gently rouse him from bed by softly saying “Kevin, it’s time to get ready for school.” He shoved the pillow over his head grumpily. Five minutes later I came back and said cheerfully, “Wakey wakey eggs and bakey! Time to rise and shine!” He only snored louder. Finally I grabbed his winter gloves off the radiator, filled them with icy snow from outside, and dropped them right on his face while yelling “SCHOOL NOW KEVIN! UP AND AT ‘EM!” He shrieked and jumped out of bed so fast, I couldn’t help laughing. He was livid, but I figure it was a fair wake up call. After all – I gave him the cold shoulder.
My two young nieces came to visit last Easter. I decided to plan an egg hunt for them in the backyard on a chilly day. Four year old Emma’s mittens kept falling off as she ran around collecting eggs excitedly. She got frustrated and eventually just carried them in her hand instead of putting them back on. I said “Emma if you keep your mittens in your pocket they’ll stay warm and be easier to put back on later.” She glanced at her cousin Sophie’s pocketless dress, then back at me and replied matter-of-factly, “Auntie Rachel my pocket is right here” while proudly pointing at her underwear.
When my teenage son David was little he had a habit of losing one glove constantly. By the end of each winter we always had five or six orphaned right-hand gloves that had lost their matches. One morning getting ready for school he realized he had lost yet another left-hand glove. Frustrated, he said “I don’t understand why only my LEFT gloves go missing all the time! What is it with lefties disappearing from right under my nose?” I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at that.
I walked my eight-year old twin nephews, James and Noah, to school yesterday. It was slightly icy and their boots kept almost slipping. I said “Walk carefully boys, I don’t want anyone falling.” Noah laughed and replied “Don’t worry Aunt Sue, we can’t fall because our gloves will catch us!” He demonstrated by wind-milling his arms to show off his new gloves with grippy rubber palms. James rolled his eyes dramatically and said, “Noah gloves can’t catch you if you fall! They’re way too tiny to grab us.” Then he grinned mischievously and pretended to slip, flailing wildly while yelling “Oh no I’m going down! Quick glove, catch me!”
When my husband Bob and I were first dating, I knitted him a hat and matching scarf for his birthday in our school colors. He loved them and wore them all the time when he walked me places in the freezing Vermont winter nights. A few months later Christmas came around. Money was tight but I decided to knit Bob some warm gloves to complete his winter set. I stayed up late for many nights stitching away by candlelight. Finally on Christmas morning he unwrapped the package and opened the box to find… one single glove. Bob’s face fell in confusion and disappointment. He politely said “Oh, one glove. How… nice?” I burst out laughing hysterically, much to his alarm, then pulled out the second matching glove and handed it to him. “Had to prank you just once!” I managed to get out between giggles. He just shook his head and chuckled, pulling me in for a kiss. I knew I had a keeper!
When I was pregnant with my first child, my friend Gina gave me the best advice. She said “Rachel the key to being a good parent is consistency. Children crave routine and certainty.” I prepared in advance as best I could by babyproofing the house, making schedules, planning activities, buying all the necessary gear. Finally the big day came…I brought my newborn daughter Sophie home from the hospital carefully cradled in her carseat. I set her down on the living room rug, took a seat beside her, pulled on my warmest mittens, and said cheerfully “Okay Sophie now show me how we’re going to do this parenting thing.” My husband tells that story all the time.
Last summer my mischievous twin nephews Alex and Ryan stayed at my cottage while their parents were away. They spent hours racing kayaks around the lake inventing elaborate games and challenges. When a sudden thunderstorm blew in I called the boys back to the cottage porch. Alex paddled up first, yanking off his dripping lifejacket and gloves, grinning from ear to ear. As we scanned the rain swept lake for any sight of Ryan, Alex started unpacking all his gear. He pulled item after soaked item from his kayak’s storage hatch…rubber boots, a towel, a kitten?!? Alex shrugged and said “Don’t look at me Aunt Julie, everything was in there when I grabbed the boat.” Thankfully we spotted Ryan coming through the downpour a few minutes later. And yes, he confirmed the kitten stowaway was 100% Alex’s chaotic idea.
My teammates on the college rowing team decided our coxswain Claire needed her own personalized megaphone to more easily yell commands at us during races. We painted it bright pink with glitter and glued on ribbons and feathers at the end. When she opened the gift Claire laughed with delight…then promptly used it to shriek “First gloves off and oars out – let’s skull!” eight inches from my ear. Maybe making her shouts louder wasn’t our best plan after all.
My husband loves telling awful dad jokes much to our kids’ embarrassment. Yesterday he came home all excited about the good deal he got for us on waterproof winter gloves. I asked if they were really 100% waterproof and he grinned mischievously. “Of course! They always keep your hands bone dry. Well…not your hands when you wear them obviously. But definitely the bones inside will stay nice and dry!” Our twelve year old just put on his headphones and walked away muttering about finding new parents.
