Gas Puns
1. I had some bad intestinal gas last night. It was a real pain in the gas tank.
2. My friend is opening a new store that sells environmentally friendly natural gas. It’s going to be called Eco-Gas.
3. I was feeling gassy after eating a lot of beans. I guess I was running on beano-line.
4. The gas company is raising their prices again. I guess they have us all over a barrel.
5. I ate so much for Thanksgiving, I’ve been as gassy as my uncle’s old pickup truck.
6. Being lactose intolerant gives me terrible gas. I’m thinking of buying some Beano so I stop being such a mean latte.
7. My dog has horrendous gas after eating scraps from the table. I’m thinking of renaming him Meat-Hind.
8. I had a big bowl of chili last night and was very gassy this morning. I guess you could say I woke up feeling a bit chili.
9. I was feeling bloated after drinking a soda. I guess I had one too many fizzy pops.
10. My infant son has terrible gas pain at night. The pediatrician says it’s just baby fuel injector noise.
11. Since going vegetarian, I’ve noticed I don’t have as much gas. I guess plants give me less trouble than cows.
12. I ate a whole bunch of leafy greens yesterday and had terrible gas pains. That’s what I get for having too much green house emission.
Gas One-Liners
13. I’m so gassy my friends call me the human whoopee cushion.
14. Beans, beans, the magical fruit. The more you eat, the more you…pass gas.
15. My gas is so potent it should be classified as a chemical weapon.
16. I’m not saying I have gas, but ducks literally follow me when I walk.
17. I don’t pass gas, I create an entirely new atmosphere.
18. My gas could be used to power a small developing nation.
19. I don’t mean to brag, but my farts have cleared entire rooms before.
20. Let me brew you a nice cup of roasted coffee beans…oh wait, that’s just the smell of my gas.
21. I farted so loud in yoga class the other day everyone thought someone’s phone rang.
22. I have an idea for a new product – fart-proof underwear. I’m just gas-lighting though.
Best Gas Jokes
23. Last night I had epic gas pain after going out for Mexican food. I was up all night releasing toxic fumes that were banned by the Geneva Convention. My wife made me sleep on the couch and yelled “There’s no Juan in the bedroom tonight!”
24. I drank a gallon of milk yesterday trying to give myself extra calcium and ended up lactose intolerating all over the bathroom. I was crop dusting for hours – it was like a fog of war in there. My girlfriend said I violated the chemical weapons treaty and tried to get the UN involved.
25. I had some questionable street tacos yesterday and was extremely gassy this morning. When I walked into my office, several co-workers fainted from the toxic fumes. Paramedics had to arrive and evacuate half the floor. My boss called me into his office and said “Look, we know you drive a hybrid, but this is going too far with the green living.”
26. I hosted a romantic candlelit dinner for my wife last night, lit some candles, put on soft music, and cooked a big pot of 3-day old chili. Within minutes, the candles were all snuffed out by my noxious gas. The music couldn’t be heard over the furious release of mine methane emissions. My wife said she was getting light-headed and needed to seek higher ground, but my deadly vapors had already filled the house. We ended up having to eat dinner on the front lawn while calling in a HazMat team to secure the premises. Not exactly the romantic evening I planned!
27. I’ve been lactose intolerant my whole life but love ice cream too much to give it up. Last night I decided to treat myself to a big bowl of rocky road before bedtime. I’m pretty sure I single-handedly caused irreparable harm to the ozone layer with the noxious fumes I released over the next several hours. At about 3 AM my wife shook me awake convinced there was a gas leak in the house and we needed to evacuate. I had to sheepishly explain the sound of rushing air was just me recklessly crop-dusting our bedroom. Needless to say, I’ll be enjoying some nice sorbet next time.
28. My doctor recently put me on a high fiber diet to improve my digestion. Let’s just say the results have been explosive. We’re talking DEFCON 1 here, people – I’ve destroyed entire ecosystems with my toxic emissions over the past week. I can clear a room in seconds flat with these chemical weapons I’m packing. My coworkers have started wearing gas masks anytime I walk by. Even my poor dog refuses go on our evening walk thanks to the epic stink trail I leave in my wake. Let’s just say things have really hit the fan if you catch my drift. Maybe I should ask the doctor to dial back the fiber intake a tad.
29. I wanted to cook my boyfriend a romantic dinner last night so I decided to make him my famous 3-alarm chili. Big mistake. Within an hour of eating it we both started emitting some very anti-social odors, if you know what I mean. It was like tear gas – our eyes were watering, we were gagging, the dog ran out of the room. We had to open all the windows but that just spread our stinky crime scene to the whole neighborhood. Eventually we just gave up and went for a long walk to spare our fellow citizens. I don’t know what was in that chili but apparently it was a potent mix! Let’s just say it may be a while before my boyfriend agrees to eat my cooking again.
30. My cousin recently took up a vegetarian diet and I invited her over last night to cook her a big pasta dinner, sans meat. Big mistake. All those beans and vegetables mixed together created the perfect gas-producing storm inside poor cousin Bethany. She apologized profusely as she slowly stunk up my entire apartment with her toxic emissions all night long. It was like having an upset stomach x10 – she just could not stop releasing those terrible vegetarian fumes from the depths of her soul. We ended up having to just open all the doors and bake cookies in an effort to get rid of the stench. She swore off beans for life after last night’s debacle. I may never eat pasta again either just from the traumatic memories.
More Gas Puns
31. I ate a whole can of baked beans last night. Boy am I in a winded situation today!
32. I had some questionable takeout last night. Today I’m really combustion things up.
33. My dog has the worst gas after eating peanut butter treats. It’s a real problem for his rear stability.
34. I accidentally drank some spoiled milk this morning. Now I’m really milking this lactose intolerance thing.
35. My infant has terrible colic and gas pains at night. It’s just her way of getting attention – she likes to be a little gassy.
36. I ate a whole sleeve of oreos last night and now have crazy gas pains. That’s the last time I dip into the cookie jar before bed.
37. My brother ate three bowls of chili last night and is crop dusting up a storm. We’re thinking of getting him one of those carbon offset credits.
38. I really should not have had that second helping of sauerkraut last night. These gas pains are souper unpleasant.
More Gas One-Liners
39. Call me the wind whisperer. I can conjure gas like nobody’s business.
40. I don’t mean to brag, but my farts have been classified as toxic air pollution.
41. I farted on the plane the other day and the oxygen masks dropped from the ceiling.
42. My farts are so nasty they require a NSFW warning.
43. I crop dusted in the elevator and made seven people vomit. New record!
44. I qualify for a carbon offset tax credit thanks to my prolific gas factory.
45. My farts have been known to wake up neighbors and small animals.
46. I can make grown men cry with a simple silent but deadly.
47. My fart greenhouse emissions are single-handedly responsible for climate change.
More Best Gas Jokes
48. The other night I made the mistake of stopping by Taco Bell on the way home from happy hour. Between the beer and bean burritos, I created a one-man gas chamber that nearly hospitalized my wife and dog. It was horrific – eyes watering, coughing fits, begging me to roll down the car windows even though it was freezing outside. Things escalated when we got home. I crop-dusted from room to room, emitting truly toxic fumes that should violate international law. My poor wife finally had to vacate the bedroom and sleep on the back porch just to escape my chemical warfare. The dog is now in therapy for PTSD. Let’s just say I’ll be sticking to salads when I go out drinking from now on. No more Tex-Mex-beer-gas bombs!
49. My wife and I recently adopted a very gassy bulldog named Gus. He’s the sweetest dog ever but wow does he have some gastrointestinal issues! Last night was brutal. Between Gus’ noxious emissions and my wife’s pregnancy gas, our bedroom was a true toxic nightmare. I nearly called 911 convinced there was a gas leak. Windows flung open, candles lit, baking soda scattered everywhere to no avail. No amount of air freshener could mask the horrific stench. We finally had to take Gus downstairs and sleep on the back porch just to breathe. Pregnancy and bulldogs are not a good mix when it comes to flatulence! Our neighbors definitely hated us last night.
50. My brother recently started a new keto diet and I made the mistake of inviting him over for taco night. All that fat and cheese created the perfect gas storm inside poor Rick. He crop-dusted constantly from room to room, issuing truly toxic emissions from the depths of his bowels. Even the dog was offended. We nearly had to declare a state of emergency after he used the downstairs bathroom – I’m talking biohazard situation here. Windows were thrown open but the stench had permeated all fabrics in the house. Rick apologized profusely in between bouts of loud, powerful flatulence. Let’s just say he’ll be sticking to salads when he comes over from now on. The keto diet is now banned at family gatherings.
More Gas One-Liners
51. My college dorm voted me “Most Likely to be Investigated for Biological Warfare.”
52. I can make paint peel with my noxious fumes.
53. My farts are so deadly they can melt plastic.
54. I was nicknamed “Chemical X” in high school thanks to my gases.
55. I may have single-handedly destroyed the ozone layer with my methane emissions.