Father Ted Puns (15)
- What do you call Father Ted when he’s cleaning the parochial house? Sweeping Crepes!
- Why was Father Ted late for Mass? He was stuck in father traffic!
- What did Father Ted say when he won the lottery? It’s a miracle!
- How does Father Ted stay connected to his parishioners? Through pray-fi!
- Why does Father Ted drink so much tea? Because he’s a cup o’ Father!
- Why did Father Ted cross the road? To get to the other cider!
- What do you call Father Ted when he takes a nap? Sleeping clergy!
- Why didn’t Father Ted want to be pope? He didn’t want to work in the Vatican!
- What’s Father Ted’s favorite Beatles song? Let It Be…cause I’m a priest!
- How does Father Ted stay in shape? Prayer-obics!
- Why does Father Ted wear his collar backwards? Because he’s a rebel without a cassock!
- How does Father Ted make his tea? He brews it with Holy water!
- What do you call Father Ted when he trips? Falling clergyman!
- Why doesn’t Father Ted give communion to vampires? They’re allergic to cross bread!
- What do you call a priest who became a lawyer? Father O’Flawyer!
Father Ted One-Liners (20)
- Father Ted walks into a pub and orders a pint. The bartender says, “I didn’t know priests could drink!”
- Father Ted put his money where his faith is…in the collection plate!
- Father Ted gave up drinking for Lent. It was the closest he’s come to giving up religion.
- Father Ted blessed the rains down in Africa, but forgot to bless the rains on Craggy Island.
- Father Ted prayed for patience…and Mrs. Doyle gave him plenty of opportunities to practice it!
- Father Ted doesn’t drink holy water because he prefers something with a bit more spirit.
- Father Ted took a vow of celibacy, not sobriety.
- Father Ted secretly thinks Mrs. Doyle’s tea is far too milky.
- Father Ted has God on speed dial…the hotline to the Vatican, that is!
- Father Ted buys lottery tickets religiously…he has faith he’ll win someday!
- Father Ted gets asked for relationship advice so often, he should open a Love Thy Neighbor hotline.
- Father Ted was going to join a band, but he couldn’t find a good altar-native rock group.
- Father Ted has a “swear jar” that’s always miraculously empty at the end of each day.
- Father Ted thought about converting to Buddhism, but didn’t want to reincar-Nate himself.
- Father Ted’s confessional has a 5-sin maximum per visit.
- Father Ted secretly uses Bible pages to roll his cigarettes.
- Father Ted tries not to be judgy, but some confessions make that impossible.
- Father Ted thought abstinence would get easier with age and experience…he thought wrong.
- Father Ted wondered if his sermons would be more popular as a podcast.
- Father Ted keeps falling asleep in Mass, but luckily has mastered the art of looking prayerful.
Best Father Ted Jokes (50)
1. One day Mrs. Doyle went to Father Ted and said “Father, I have a terrible urge to gamble.” Father Ted responded “That’s a sin, Mrs. Doyle. You better fight that urge with all your strength.” Then Mrs. Doyle said “Oh I will, Father, I will. I’ll bet you $20 I can resist!”
2. One Sunday morning, Father Ted woke up to find a horse’s head in his bed. He went downstairs and saw some men he didn’t recognize making breakfast in his kitchen. “Who are you people?” Father Ted asked. One of the men said “We thought you might need help around the parish, so we brought you a new altar boy.”
3.Father Ted was doing his rounds in the parish when he saw little Mary crying on her front step. “What’s wrong child?” he asked. Little Mary sobbed “I wanted to go to the circus today but daddy said we didn’t have the money.” Father Ted smiled and said “Don’t worry my child, the Lord will provide. I’ll give a sermon about the circus today and we’ll take up a special collection!”
4. One day Father Ted was walking Mrs. Doyle back to her cottage. When they arrived at the door, Mrs. Doyle said “Father, would you like to come up and see my etchings?” Father Ted blushed and said “Oh, no thank you, Mrs. Doyle, I really must be going.” After he left, Mrs. Doyle said to herself “Well, that’s a shame. He didn’t even want to see my lovely collection of etchings.”
5. Father Ted was scratching around in the garden when he unearthed a shining lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared. “I will grant you one wish, priest,” the genie said. Father Ted thought long and hard and said “I wish for everlasting peace and happiness for all mankind.” The genie frowned and said “I’m just a genie, not a miracle worker. Do you have another wish?”
6. One day Mrs. Doyle came to Father Ted looking very angry. She told him “I found a condom in Dougal’s room when I was cleaning!” Father Ted was taken aback and said “Now, now, let’s not jump to conclusions Mrs. Doyle. It could just be a balloon.” Mrs. Doyle replied “It was wrapped in a foil packet and labeled XL, Father!”
7. Father Ted and Jack were invited to a costume party. Father Ted went dressed as the Pope. Jack showed up wearing nothing but a fig leaf. “What are you supposed to be?” asked Father Ted. “I’m Adam when he first met Eve in the Garden of Eden,” replied Jack. “But you can’t go around like that!” exclaimed Father Ted. “No worries,” said Jack. “I’ll just go as my second choice…the Archbishop of Canterbury!”
8. Father Ted was taking confessions one Saturday when he heard an odd one from Mrs. Doyle. “Forgive me Father for I have sinned,” she said. “This week I said the F word three times.” Father Ted was curious. “What’s the F word, Mrs. Doyle?” “Feck!” she replied. Father Ted nodded. “I see. Well, just say 3 Hail Marys and try not to feck again.”
9. Father Ted was trying to teach Dougal how to hear confession. “So if someone confesses to adultery for example,” he explained, “you respond by saying ‘Go and sin no more’ to show forgiveness.” The next person who entered the confessional said “I slept with my neighbor’s wife.” Dougal thought for a moment and said “Bad boy. Don’t do it again.”
10. One Sunday, Father Ted noticed Mike, the new altar boy, was drinking the communion wine straight from the bottle. Father Ted grabbed it from him and whispered harshly “Stop that at once! Only priests can drink the communion wine!” Then he took a swig himself before hiding it behind the lectern.
11. Father Ted was starting to worry that Dougal’s faith wasn’t very strong. One day he decided to test him. “Dougal,” he said, “Do you believe in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit?” Dougal responded “Of course, Ted. They’re my favorite band!”
12. Father Ted was giving a lively sermon about the virtues of honesty and integrity. Suddenly the church doors flew open and a frazzled man burst in shouting “Father, Father! The Donnellys’ sheep are in your vegetable garden again!” Father Ted shouted “For feck’s sake, can’t it wait until mass is finished?”
13. One Sunday, Father Ted noticed that Jack had stuck a cocktail umbrella behind his ear before coming to give mass. When questioned about it, Jack slurred “It’sh national drinky umbrella day, ishn’t it? Hip hip..hic!”
14. Dougal didn’t seem to fully understand the Holy Trinity. Father Ted tried to explain it to him by saying “So God the Father is like me, and God the Son is Jesus, and God the Holy Spirit is like… Mrs Doyle!” Dougal frowned “So you’re telling me Mrs Doyle is God?? She’s just made us tea!”
15. Father Ted was shocked when he learned Dougal was planning to enter a talent show on the mainland. “You can’t perform secular acts, you’re a priest!” he scolded. “Ah go on Ted,” said Dougal, “I’m just going to tell a few funny stories in my stage outfit!” He held up a sequined peacock costume.
16. Father Ted tried to teach Jack how to give a good homily. “First you tell them what you’re going to say, then you say it, then you tell them what you said.” The next Sunday, Jack stood up and announced “I’m a drunken fool who is wasting my life…I’m a drunken fool who is wasting my life…I’m a drunken fool who is wasting my life.”
17. Mrs Doyle came to Father Ted in distress about her teenage son Ray. “All he wants to do is sip vodka and throw darts at a picture of you, Father!” she lamented. “Why does he have a picture of me anyway?” asked Father Ted. Mrs Doyle shrugged “I guess he finds you very inspirational.”
18. Father Ted was woken abruptly one night by loud chants of “chug, chug, chug!” He investigated to find a crowd of nuns cheering on Sister Assumpta downing a bottle of sacramental wine in the church. “Honestly sisters!” he exclaimed. “Save some for mass!”
19. Dougal was confused about the concept of canonization. “So if someone becomes a saint, they get a big parade every year like St Patrick?” he asked. “Not exactly,” explained Father Ted. “Though I admit I would enjoy having an annual Father Ted Day parade!”
20. Father Ted was starting to worry when Jack began ad-libbing more and more during mass. One Sunday, Jack deviated entirely from the liturgy and launched into a tight five of his best jokes from the pub. After much laughter, Father Ted steered things back on track, making a mental note to go easy on the sacramental wine before the next service.
21. Dougal was trying to understand different religious roles. “So a bishop is like the boss of the priests?” he asked. Father Ted nodded. Dougal then asked “What’s higher than a bishop?” Father Ted replied “An archbishop”. Dougal finally asked “And what’s the highest level?” Father Ted sighed and said “The Pope”. Dougal paused and wondered out loud “I bet the pope’s ma still tells him what to do…”
22. Father Ted was having his daily tea and cake with Mrs Doyle when she teared up and said “Sometimes I worry you don’t need me here for anything but the baking.” Father Ted smiled gently and responded “You also make an excellent cup of tea, Mrs Doyle.”
23. Father Ted found Dougal in the church on his knees praying intensely. “What are you praying so hard about?” he asked. Dougal said “Do you remember that raffle last week Father? I had the winning ticket but lost it so I’ve been praying to St Anthony. They say he helps you find lost things.”
24. Father Ted came down one morning to find the parochial house toilet had been mysteriously replaced with a bidet. Mrs Doyle swore she had nothing to do with it. Father Ted glanced out the window and saw a delivery van from “Unexplained Bidets Inc.” speeding away down the lane.
25. Father Ted was woken late one night by shouting and swearing coming from downstairs. He investigated to find Mrs Doyle on the computer typing furiously. “Mrs Doyle! What on earth are you doing?” She looked up wild-eyed and said “Playing online bingo, Father. I thought it was just harmless fun but now it’s taken over me soul!”
26. Father Ted had to have a talk with Dougal after catching him sneaking communion wine under his cassock again. “Sorry Father,” apologized Dougal. “It’s just that Mrs Doyle’s shoulder rubs work better when I’m a little tipsy.”
27. Mrs Doyle found Father Jack’s old copy of “Seminary Girls Gone Wild” while tidying. Assuming it was an innocent priests’ yearbook, she remarked “My, Seminary certainly looks fun!” Father Ted blushed beet red and quickly confiscated the video.
28. Father Ted was called to the hospital after Dougal electrocuted himself trying to plug in a new toaster oven. “He’ll be fine,” chuckled the nurse. “He just touched the wrong holy spirit.”
29. Father Ted found Jack fiddling under the hood of the parochial house car. “Do you know anything about auto repair?” asked Father Ted skeptically. “I do,” slurred Jack. “This carburetor looks like it could use some sacramental wine!”
30. Rival priest Father Finn was convinced his church had better attendance than Father Ted’s. “My pews are packed every Sunday,” he bragged. “Oh yeah?” replied Father Ted. “Well we have so many people, we have to hold mass outside just to fit them all in!”
31. Father Ted was shocked when Dougal asked him “You know the way God made me?” “Yes…” replied Father Ted hesitantly. “Well,” continued Dougal, “Why do you think he made me so hairy but you so bald?”
32. Father Ted found Mrs Doyle weeping with joy in front of the television. “What’s wrong Mrs Doyle?” he asked with concern. “I just saw the Pope on TV Father, and I’m so happy!” she said tearfully. Father Ted smiled. “Well, it’s nice to have the Holy Father visit.” Mrs Doyle looked confused and replied “Visit? That wasn’t the Pope, it was Eoin McLove performing on the Late Late Show!”
33. Father Ted was surprised to get a frantic call from the Pope during dinner one evening. His Holiness was preocupied that Armageddon was imminent. “Well, let me know if you need an ark built…” joked Father Ted helpfully.
34. Dougal came running to Father Ted in a panic after parishioner Mrs Darcy stuck her leg out as he walked past her pew, causing him to trip. “She must think she has healing powers like Jesus, but she just made me scrape my elbow!” whined Dougal.
35. Father Ted found Mrs Doyle praying the rosary with her pet ferret. “You can’t actually bless animals like that,” Ted reminded her. “Ah sure, what’s the harm Father,” she replied. “It’s good for the wee creature’s soul.”
36. Dougal was confused by a newspaper headline reading “Nun Hospitalized After Drinking Too Much Sacramental Wine at Mass.” Father Ted explained “It’s very strong wine, since it represents the blood of Christ.” Dougal looked horrified and said “I think I might be a vampire Father!”
37. Father Ted was called to the church late at night to deal with vandals painting graffiti on the walls. He was expecting offensive images, but found they had only scrawled “More songs and less sermons!” Father Ted thought that was rather fair feedback.
38. Father Jack was reprimanded by a fellow priest who saw him out playing golf on Sunday morning. “You should have been giving mass,” he scolded. “Now, now,” replied Jack with a hiccup. “Don’t you know the Lord works in mysterious foreskins…I mean, fourskins…uh, foreswings!”
39. Dougal came running to Father Ted in distress, crying “Father, Father! There are blind people invading the parish!” Father Ted laughed and explained “No Dougal, those are just nuns wearing their habits.”
40. Mrs Doyle found her kitchen overrun with choir boys one morning. “What are ya after lads?” she asked, shooing them towards the door. “Sorry Mrs
