Fart Puns
1. I was feeling a little off today, but luckily I passed gas and I’m feeling much better.
2. I ate too much broccoli last night and now I’m feeling the afterburns.
3. My friend said she was producing a silent film. I said, “Don’t you mean passing gas?”
4. I had some refried beans last night and let’s just say the aftermath was a real gas.
5. I told my friend we should start a band called “Fart Noise.” Our first album can be called “Breaking Wind.”
6. I’m thinking of writing a book called “Farts through the Ages.” It will give a historical look at farting trends.
7. My dog just farted and is acting like nothing happened. I said, “Well excuse me!”
8. I ate a whole bag of Sugar Free gummy bears. Let’s just say the sound effects have been nonstop.
9. I’m thinking of auditioning for American Idol with my talent of recreating famous movie scenes with fart noises.
10. I tried to sneak one out during class but it ended up being a real gasser.
Fart One-Liners
11. Better out than in, I always say!
12. Silent but deadly.
13. Did someone step on a duck?
14. Barking spiders!
15. That wasn’t me, it was my fart twin.
16. Talk about a gas leak!
17. Sounds like someone blew a tire.
18. I know it was you Fredo.
19. Is it just me or does it smell like rotten eggs in here?
20. Did you hear that? It was the sound of me not holding it in anymore.
Best Fart Jokes
21. I was on a first date and tried to discretely let one rip. Turns out it was anything but discrete. My date said, “Did you just fart?” I said, “No, it must have been the chair.” Needless to say there was no second date.
22. I was in an elevator that was crowded and everyone was silent. Out of nowhere I ripped the longest, loudest fart you can imagine. Everyone slowly turned and looked at me. I said, “Oops, shoe slip!” No one believed me.
23. I was at the doctor for a check up and as I laid down on the examination table, I farted so loud. The doctor hadn’t walked in yet, so I was mortified that the nurses heard it outside. When the doctor came in I tried to pretend like nothing happened, but the doctor said, “I heard that!” I was so embarrassed.
24. One night I was sleeping over at a friend’s house as a kid. We were laughing and telling jokes in her bedroom. I told the funniest joke and laughed so hard I farted while we were under the covers. We both stayed silent for a minute and then burst out laughing.
25. I was on a third date with a guy I really liked. We were cooking dinner at his place when I bent down to get a pan and ripped the longest fart ever. I was horrified but the guy laughed and said “Marry me!” Turns out he loved fart jokes.
26. When I was a kid I was obsessed with fart noises. At random times I would put my hands in my armpits and start flapping, making noises that sounded like farts. One time at Thanksgiving dinner I did it and my whole family yelled at me to stop being gross at the table.
27. I was at church and right before we were supposed to stand for a hymn, I farted so loudly, like a trumpet blast. People gasped and looked around to see where it came from. Luckily an old man with hearing problems stood up at the same time and everyone assumed it was him.
28. In college, my roommate and I had a fart war going on to see who could catch the other off guard. I went all out, eating beans, eggs, and broccoli as fuel. One night I snuck into his room while he was sleeping, lifted his covers and farted directly on him. Needless to say I won the war.
29. I was having a movie night at my place and made a huge bowl of popcorn. My friend and I starting eating when suddenly we both farted at the exact same time. We froze and looked at each other and then absolutely lost it laughing for 10 minutes straight.
30. In high school math class I had to walk to the front to work out a problem on the board. As I worked through the problem, I slowly let out the longest, most squeaky fart you’ve ever heard. I pretended not to notice, but the whole class erupted in laughter and I turned beet red.
31. My husband and I were having an argument about his bad gas problem. During the fight, he tried to fart as loudly as he could to annoy me. Unfortunately, he ended up crapping his pants since it wasn’t just a fart. That ended our argument real quick.
32. My great aunt was 90 years old and would fart constantly whenever we visited her. She’d let them rip while we were eating dinner and not even acknowledge it while we all had to try not to laugh. She’d even fan the smell over to my mom sometimes. Gotta love old people gas.
33. I was on a packed, hour-long flight and felt a fart coming on from the pressurized cabin. I slowly let it seep out, hoping no one would notice. Then the woman next to me started waving the magazine by her nose and coughing. I tried my best not to laugh and had to hold it in the rest of the flight.
34. When I was in high school I was a shy kid who kept to himself. One day in the packed cafeteria I squeezed out the longest, squeakiest fart that reverberated through the huge room. All eyes were on me instantly and I pretended like someone else did it. Got me some street cred!
35. I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house for dinner for the first time. While we were eating I felt one brewing and tried to sneak it out slowly. Well it ended up being incredibly loud and smelly. His parents looked appalled. I was mortified but my boyfriend couldn’t stop laughing.
36. I was on a first date and we went back to his place after dinner. We were sitting on the couch talking when I farted so loudly multiple times. I blamed it on his dog who was sitting next to me but I don’t think the guy bought it. Needless to say that was our first and last date.
37. I was in yoga class and everyone was silent in a meditative pose. Out of nowhere I let out the juiciest, longest fart that echoed through the quiet studio. People started giggling and the instructor told us to “let go of any distractions and return to our breathing.”
38. I was on a cruise with my family and we were eating dinner in the fancy dining room. My little brother thought it would be hilarious to fart as loudly as possible mid-meal. The people at the table next to us looked appalled. My mom said “Oh my God” and my dad could not stop laughing.
39. I was walking my dog when I had super bad gas. Each time I farted, my dog would stop in his tracks and look back at me like “Did YOU do that?” It kept happening and eventually my dog refused to walk with me unless I stopped tooting!
40. I was in church right during silent prayer time trying to hold in a massive fart. It slowly seeped out as I clenched my butt cheeks. It lasted for at least 10 seconds and made a high pitched whining noise the whole time. So awkward and embarrassing!
41. I was at the movies on a first date when a huge fart slipped out during a quiet scene. I tried to play it off like it was nothing, but the guy got up and walked out of the theater! I sat there stunned wondering if I should follow him or just cut my losses.
42. My fifth grade class went on an overnight field trip. In the middle of the night, I woke up and silently farted in my sleeping bag. Unfortunately, it ended up not being silent after all and woke up all the boys who then loudly complained about the smell.
43. I’m lactose intolerant but love ice cream. One day after eating a huge milkshake I had horrible gas pain. I was driving home from work squeezing my butt cheeks together when I eventually just let one loose that lasted at least 45 seconds. The smell was so bad!
44. My wife and I were in bed and she was nagging me about something. I farted loudly to annoy her and then fanned the covers trying to direct the smell over to her side of the bed. She screamed at me to get out of the room and go sleep on the couch!
45. My brother used to think farts were the funniest thing ever. One year for his birthday, I got him a fart machine as a gift and preset it to go off every ten minutes. He laughed so hard he was in tears and said it was the best gift ever.
46. My dad and I were hiking when he stopped walking suddenly. He had a funny look on his face and was squeezing his butt cheeks together. Then he tried to nonchalantly walk away and let out the longest, juiciest fart. We both busted up laughing for 5 minutes straight.
47. I was in yoga class and we were doing poses that put your butt in the air. Every time I would bend over, I let out an incredibly loud fart. By the 5th pose, people were giggling and avoiding me. I kept a straight face and pretended like I didn’t hear anything.
48. I was on a road trip with my girlfriend and was feeling gassy from truck stop food. While she was napping, I put the car windows down and let loose the most epic 45 second fart and hot boxed the car. She woke up coughing and dry heaving. Whoops!
49. I was in a dead silent library when my stomach started making crazy noises. I tried to hold it in but eventually let out a huge fart that echoed through the whole library. Everyone turned and stared daggers at me. I grabbed my stuff and got out of there so fast!
50. I was in a job interview and as I got up to leave, I ripped the juiciest fart known to man. The interviewer had a shocked look on their face. I froze, said “Good luck finding someone more qualified!” and walked out before they could respond.
51. I was on a yoga retreat and we had been eating vegetarian food for a week. Out of nowhere in a silent meditation session I ripped the longest, most guttural fart of my life that seemed to last a minute. No one said anything but the smell was unreal. Namaste!
52. I was walking through the grocery store and stopped to look at something. Right then my worst nightmare happened and I ripped an incredibly loud fart. A mom with her kids looked at me disgustedly. I said ” Gross, some people!” and walked away fast.
53. My husband and I were camping with friends and we had chili one night. Our tent ended up being downwind from the campfire. In the middle of the night, my husband woke me up farting continuously and it went right into our tent! Our friends were not pleased with the smell.
54. I was in a public bathroom stall desperately trying to be silent while very gassy. Suddenly someone came into the bathroom, and in my panic to hold it in, I let out the longest fart known to man. My secret was definitely out after that one.
55. When I was in college I got food poisoning and was simultaneously vomiting and having horrible gas pain. People could hear me through the bathroom stall moaning, farting, and puking loudly. So glamorous! After that I learned to never eat the dining hall chicken.
56. I was on a third date with a woman and cooked dinner at my place. While we were eating, I dropped a silent but deadly fart. She started sniffing and asked if she could crack a window. I blamed the non-existent neighbors upstairs and quickly changed the subject.
57. I was out to dinner with my boyfriend’s parents and nervous about making a good impression. While taking a big bite of food, I choked a little and let out a huge fart. My boyfriend practically spit out his water laughing while his parents looked at me, disgusted and horrified.
58. I was in a dead silent exam room taking a really important test. Right then my stomach started making crazy noises. I tried to hold it in but eventually let out the longest, wettest fart that echoed loudly throughout the room. Needless to say, I did not pass that exam.
59. I was on vacation with my girlfriend and we were going to sleep after a long day. Exhausted, I let out a long squeaker fart thinking she was already asleep. Turns out she wasn’t and yelled at me to get out of bed and go fart somewhere else. Oops!
60. When I was younger I was trying to impress my crush by showing off my loud armpit farts. Mid-fart, I also let out a real fart at the same time. My crush laughed really hard and said “Gross!” Needless to say, that plan totally backfired.
61. I was out at a nice restaurant on a first date when I excused myself to go fart in the bathroom. Walking back, I let out a silent but deadly one and saw a couple at a nearby table start coughing and gagging. I tried to just keep a straight face and avoid eye contact.
62. My great aunt was getting up there in age and her farts were out of control. At family dinner one night she ripped some of the smelliest gas I’ve ever been around. Eyes watering, my dad said “Good god Marge, what did you eat?!” She just smiled and kept enjoying her meal.
63. I was at the doctor for a physical exam. As I laid down on the table, I ripped a huge fart. The doctor walked in immediately after and had a disgusted look on their face. Mortified, I pretended to get a call and ran out saying I had an emergency.
64. I was out on a hike with my girlfriend and had terrible gas. She walked ahead of me while I thought I was releasing silent farts. When she came back to see why I was so slow she started retching and coughing from the smell. Not so silent after all!