Eye Puns
1. I tried to keep an eye on my school expenses, but my education cost me an arm and a leg!
2. My optometrist told me to see her in the morning, but I can’t see anything without my glasses!
3. I was hoping to see my favorite band in concert, but unfortunately all the shows were sold out. I guess I didn’t keep a close eye on ticket sales.
4. I went to the ophthalmologist for an exam. He told me, “It looks like you have a bit of farsightedness.” I said, “Doc, I can’t see that far ahead.”
5. I’m nearsighted, so I sat in the front row at the movie theater. But it turned out to be a drive-in movie, so I couldn’t see a thing!
6. I wore two eyepatches today to make sure I keep a close eye on things.
7. I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
8. Did you hear about the new restaurant called Eyecandy? It caters to people with a taste for good looks.
9. I tried to keep an eye out for the celebrity at the party, but I didn’t spot her.
10. Keep an eye on the clock when you’re at work – otherwise the day will just fly by!
11. I wanted to be an eye doctor, but I couldn’t make the cut.
12. Did you hear about the new iPhone? It has eye recognition so you can unlock it just by looking at it. Apple calls it the iSee.
13. Keep your eyes peeled when you’re proofreading. Don’t just glance over your work!
14. I went to buy a new pair of glasses but couldn’t find any good frames. The optician said, “Keep looking, something will eye-ventually catch your eye!”
15. A lumberjack accidentally cut off his leg with a chainsaw. His boss yelled, “Keep your eye on the ball!”
Eye One-Liners
16. Keep your eyes on the prize.
17. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
18. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
19. The eyes are the windows to the soul.
20. You can’t cry over spilled milk but a poke in the eye will make you weep.
21. Love is blind but the neighbors ain’t.
22. Keep your eye on the ball.
23. The eye sees all.
24. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away.
25. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beer holder.
26. The eyes have it.
27. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but a poke in the eye is worth a thousand swear words.
28. Out of sight, out of mind.
29. Keep your eyes peeled.
30. The eye of the storm.
31. Seeing is believing.
32. Turn a blind eye.
33. Feast your eyes on this!
Best Eye Jokes
34. My friend got some soap in his eye at the grocery store. He went to the pharmacist who suggested some eye drops. “That sounds great,” my friend said. “Which aisle are they in?”
35. Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
36. I was hoping my ball would finally go into the hole during mini golf. But it turned out I didn’t keep my eye on it well enough.
37. Why are pirates called pirates? Because they just arrrrr! Also because they wear eyepatches over one eye.
38. I wanted to be an optician but I couldn’t make the cut. The career counselor said I should keep my eyes open for other opportunities.
39. Did you hear about the clumsy eye doctor? He fell and broke his glasses! Luckily he had a spare eyeglass.
40. My friend claims he can see into the future. But I think he’s just looking through rose-tinted glasses. I’ll believe it when I see it!
41. Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank? Because they’ll just wash their hands and eye patch afterwards!
42. Did you hear about the scarecrow who won an award? He was outstanding in his field, but apparently he couldn’t turn a blind eye to it!
43. I’m reading a great book about the history of eyewear. It has some really good chapters!
44. Did you hear about the restaurant for optometrists? There’s no menu – you just eat whatever you see!
45. Did you hear about the eye doctor who started manufacturing aircraft? He opened a private eye plane business!
46. My goal is to become an eye doctor. But my dad says I need better vision for my future career.
47. Did you hear about the new smartphone for the visually impaired? It has a built-in screen reader called Eye Voice.
48. Why are leprechauns such good seamstresses? Because they’re always after me lucky charms. I mean, because they have such good eye-hand coordination!
49. Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands! I mean, because he never blinks!
50. Did you hear about the restaurant called Focus? Apparently the food is eye-licking good!
51. Don’t turn a blind eye to breakfast – it’s the most important meal of the day! Especially if you want 20/20 vision.
52. What did the cyclops say when he looked at the ocean? Sea! Get it? See!
53. My friend got a job harvesting crops. He said it’s a great opportunity to keep an eye on the fields!
54. What do you call an eye doctor who doesn’t get along with his coworkers? A cornea hater!
55. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls!
56. What do you call a funny optician? A laugh riot with eye-ronic humor!
57. Why didn’t the eye doctor get along with her family? Because she gave everyone the cold shoulder!
58. Did you hear about the restaurant called The Winking Eye? I heard it’s pretty blinkin’ good!
59. I was hoping to be an ophthalmologist, but it turned out I just didn’t have the vision for it.
60. What do you call an eye doctor who is also a detective? A private eye doctor!
61. Did you hear about the new contacts for those with astigmatism? They help you see things in a whole new eye light!
62. How do you teach someone to scuba dive? Just sink or swim! I mean, just keep your eyes open and learn as you go!
63. My teacher told me to keep my eye on the blackboard. But I’m not a student – I’m just here to clean it!
64. Why do frogs like to sit on lily pads? So they can keep an eye out for flies!
65. Don’t cry over spilled milk. Unless it gets in your eye, then weep away!
66. Keep an eye on your goals and don’t get distracted. Tunnel vision is the key to success!
67. What do you call a private eye that only takes bird watching cases? A peeping tom!
68. My friend got a job at the eyeglass factory but was fired on his first day. I guess he just didn’t see things eye to eye with his boss!
69. Never break an eye appointment – you could end up with a real eyesore!
70. Keep your eye on your wallet in crowded places – you don’t want to get pick-pocketed!
71. I heard there’s a support group for those addicted to eyeliner. The first step is to always line up early!
72. What do you call a funny eye doctor? A comedian with eye-ronic humor!
73. I wanted to be an opthamologist but I just didn’t have the patients for it.
74. Did you hear about the new book on the history of optical instruments? It has some real eye-opening chapters!
75. Did you hear about the restaurant called The Squinting Eye? The menu is hard to see but the food looks good!
76. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!
77. Why was the eye doctor so late for work? She woke up on the wrong side of the bed and couldn’t see straight!
78. How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it! I mean, he keeps his eyes on the steeps!