Driving Puns
- I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift, but I kept stalling.
- Parallel parking is a big challenge, it’s always angling for a spot.
- My friend got mad when I tailgated him, but we patched things up and got back in the fast lane.
- Getting cut off in traffic hits a nerve, it really grinds my gears.
- My wife yelled at me for speeding, but racing down the road is a driving force in my life.
- Driving past farms, the livestock yell “Hay, turnip the beets!”
- Getting stuck in a traffic jam is un-bee-lievable.
- Making dangerous passes will eventually catch up to you and ticket your time.
- Weaving through traffic causes quite the stir.
- I wanted to tell my Uber driver a joke about their job, but they just drove right past it.
- Driving across the country takes a lot of gallon the gas pedal.
- My Ford Focus needs its alignment checked, it keeps driving me nuts.
- Getting cut off makes me want to honk my own horn.
- Driving the speed limit is a law-abiding citizen’s civil doody.
- Changing lanes without signaling is an illegal turn of events.
Driving One-Liners
- Parallel parking is a spot of trouble.
- Speeding tickets are fine with me.
- My car’s extended warranty expired and now it’s in the shop constantly – what are the odds?
- Caution: Student driver, proceed with terror.
- If at first you don’t succeed, call it parallel parking.
- My other car is a broomstick.
- 0 to 60? Eventually.
- Hopeless parallel parker seeks same.
- My other car is your mom.
- 0 to 60 in less than… eventually.
- Student driver? More like distracted driver, am I right?
- My driving scares me too, thanks for noticing.
- Honk if you love terrible drivers!
- If you can read this bumper sticker, we’re going too slow.
- Caution: Driver with road rage and a lead foot.
Best Driving Jokes
31.
My friend was trying to show off his brand new sports car the other day. He revved the engine, squealed the tires, and took off at high speed. I shook my head and said “That’s just reckless driving.” Then my friend said “Reckless? This car is a Dodge!”
32.
I was driving down the road the other day when a police officer pulled me over. He came up to my window and said, “Do you know how fast you were going back there?” I said, “No officer, I don’t…but I got here as fast as I could!” Luckily he just gave me a warning.
33.
Last week I got a speeding ticket while visiting my parents. I was doing 52 in a 35 zone. When the cop asked me why I was going so fast I said, “Well officer, it’s not my fault. My mom told me to get here as fast as I could.” He laughed and said he’d let me off with a warning this time.
34.
I took my driving test the other day. The examiner told me to do a three point turn. So I drove home, picked up my friends, and then went to the movie theater.
35.
I was taking a road trip with some friends recently. After a few hours of driving, we stopped at a rest area to use the bathroom. I told my friend “I’ll drive the next leg so you can relax.” He said “Are you sure? Because for me, driving is just like riding in the passenger seat – I get distracted easily.”
36.
My teenager just got his driver’s license. I told him he needs to be careful because driving can be dangerous. He said “Don’t worry dad, I’m an excellent driver. I learned from playing all of those racing video games.” Now I’m really worried!
37.
I finally convinced my grandma it was time to stop driving. She threw a huge fit and said that her driving was perfectly fine. But I told her “Grandma, you’re 96! You shouldn’t be behind the wheel.” She glared at me and said “Sonny, I’ve been driving since before you were born, I think I know what I’m doing!”
38.
I failed my driver’s test today. The examiner told me I need to work on my parallel parking skills. I guess that’s fair, I did hit a few cones. And a fire hydrant. Oh, and I also backed into the examiner’s car. But other than that I’m basically a pro!
39.
My friend drives like a grandma. She goes exactly the speed limit, stops fully at every stop sign, and leaves a huge gap between her car and the one in front. I asked her why she drives so slowly and carefully. She said “Better safe than sorry!” I said “Yeah, but at this rate we’ll arrive at our destination when we’re sorry and old.”
40.
I let my teenage daughter drive us to the mall the other day. Big mistake. She tailgated people, cut them off, and sped the whole way there. When we arrived, I told her “Your driving was way too aggressive!” She just shrugged and said all the other drivers were too slow. I’m never letting her drive again!
41.
My GPS ruined my marriage. My wife told me to turn right and the GPS said to go left. I listened to the GPS and that’s when the fight began. She eventually drove off a cliff and exploded into flames. The GPS then said “Recalculating route”.
42.
I hate when people don’t use their turn signals. It really grinds my gears when someone turns without signaling. Just the other day I was driving behind someone who suddenly turned into a driveway without warning. I honked my horn and yelled “USE YOUR BLINKER!” Then I realized it was my own house. Whoops.
43.
Driving to work this morning, I saw a car weaving erratically across lanes. I thought, they must be drunk or texting. I pulled up next to them and rolled down my window to yell at them. But then I saw it was my boss singing along to the radio. I pretended I didn’t see anything and kept driving.
44.
My wife says I’m the worst backseat driver ever. I keep telling her she’s braking too hard and turning too sharply. I don’t know why me trying to help her improve her driving bothers her so much. She should be thanking me!
45.
I was driving on the highway yesterday when a car zoomed past me going at least 90 mph. A few miles ahead, I saw flashing police lights and realized the speed demon had gotten pulled over. As I drove past the scene, I rolled down my window and yelled “Ha, sucker!” right at them. Sweet justice!
46.
My parents bought me a brand new car for my 16th birthday. They told me to be responsible and drive safely. On my very first drive, I immediately sped off to pick up my friends. We cranked up the radio, rolled down the windows, and sang loudly. Responsible driving can start tomorrow, today is for joy riding!
47.
I don’t tailgate people when I drive, I just get really close to motivate them to go faster. It’s called pressuring motivation. I don’t understand why some people get angry when I do it. I’m just trying to improve the flow of traffic, you’re welcome!