Drink Puns
1. I only drink on two occasions – when I’m thirsty and when I’m not.
2. I tried to make a milkshake but I could only manage a milkstir.
3. My friend got crushed by a pile of books. I guess he shouldn’t have judged them by their covers.
4. I was going to tell a soda pun, but I decided not to because it was too corny.
5. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
6. I don’t always drink beer, but when I do it’s probably in the shower.
7. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
8. I don’t drink anymore. I don’t drink any less either.
9. I tried catching fog yesterday. Mist.
10. I’m reading a book on the history of glue. It’s impossible to put down.
Drink One-Liners
11. I don’t have a drinking problem, I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
12. Beer, helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.
13. Of all the imaginary friends I had as a kid, the one named “Vodka” was the most fun.
14. I was at a bar one night when the waitress screamed out, “Does anyone know CPR?” I yelled back, “I do!” then she shouted, “Well can you get me a beer?”
15. I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
16. Whenever me and my friends go out drinking, the bartender always yells, “Does anyone know CPR?” So I always lie and say I do. Then when he asks if I’ll help, I say, “nah, I just wanted a free drink.”
17. I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.
18. I drink to make other people interesting.
19. The only thing more difficult than rollerblading sober is explaining to a cop why you’re on rollerblades in the first place.
20. Beer: Helping white people dance since 1842.
Best Drink Jokes
21. A man walks into a bar and orders a double. The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like him.
22. An Irishman walks out of a bar. It could happen!
23. A Mormon walked into a bar and asked for a virgin mojito. The bartender looked at him puzzled and replied, “If you don’t drink alcohol, why don’t you just have a regular mojito?” The Mormon replied, “Long story.”
24. A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either!”
25. A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking. “You’d drink ’em this fast too if you had what I have.” The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?” The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”
26. A cop stops a drunk driver and tells him, “You’re under arrest for driving under the influence.” The drunk replies, “I’m not driving under the influence, the car is!”
27. A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. “What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked. “It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied. “A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend. “Yup,” replied the drunk. “How’s it work?” the second guest asked, squinting at it. “Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You idiot! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!”
28. A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, “I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into your cup from here without spilling a single drop.” The bartender said, “You’re telling me you’ll bet three hundred dollars that you can piss from where you’re sitting, perfectly into this shot glass without spilling a drop?” The man said, “That’s right.” The bartender laughs and says, “You’ve got a bet.” The man stands up, unzips his pants, and proceeds to piss all over the bar, soaking the bartender. The bartender, furious, grabs the man by his collar and demands, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” The man turns to the bartender with a big smile and hands him the three hundred dollars he won in the bet. “What the hell are you so happy about? You just lost!” shouts the bartender. The man laughs and says, “Well see, I don’t have three hundred dollars, but what I *do* have is a business meeting upstairs with your wife in twenty minutes.”
29. A very drunk man comes into a bar and says to the bartender, “Drinks for all on me including you!” The bartender follows the man’s instructions and says, “That will be $50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and once again says, “Drinks for all on me including you!” Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender rains punches down on him and throws him out into the street. On the third night he comes in once more and the drunk says yet again, “Drinks for all including you!” The bartender says, “That’s great but this time you gotta pay.” The drunk says, “Oh I will, just put a mark next to my name.”
30. A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out! “Oh my god!” the man says to the bartender. “Did you see that? That guy just jumped out the window!” The bartender shrugs and says, “Eh, don’t worry about him. He does that every now and then.” A few minutes later the same guy walks back into the bar, orders another drink and jumps out the window again. “Jesus! He just jumped again!” the man says. “Don’t sweat it,” says the bartender. “He does it all the time. A real daredevil, that guy.” A few moments later, the man jumps again. “That’s crazy!” the man says. “How often does this go on around here?” “All day, every day,” the bartender says. “Really? Wow. Does he ever get hurt?” the man asks. “Nah…” says the bartender. “So far he’s just a couple of stories.”
Drink Puns
31. My friends say I have a drinking problem, but I’m not worried. I have it all bottled up.
32. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
33. I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself: “What on earth do I need a bicycle with whisky for?!”
34. When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, “If you’re ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it.” One cold night I got lost on the back roads, and waited over an hour until a plow truck finally came by. I started to follow it, but after a few miles it stopped, the driver got out, and beat me up. Turns out I was following the wrong plow.
35. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
36. Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
37. I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
38. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
39. What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
40. Why was the broom late for work? It overswept!
Drink One-Liners
41. I never drink water because fish have sex in it.
42. Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink.
43. Of course size matters. No one wants a small beer.
44. I don’t always drink beer. But when I do, I fall off treadmills at the gym.
45. The only time I have a drinking problem is when I spill it.
46. Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean. Against tables, chairs, walls…
47. I drink to forget I drink.
48. Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
49. My therapist told me I couldn’t handle hard liquor. Turns out she was right, I’m a tequila man.
50. The only time I have a drinking problem is when I spill it.
Best Drink Jokes
51. A police officer pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. When the officer approaches the car, the driver rolls down the window and says, “Before you even ask, yes I’ve been drinking alcohol, and I know I’m intoxicated.” The officer is shocked by the driver’s honesty. Then the driver continues, “I should be way more careful and stop myself from endangering others, but I was at a company party and got carried away.” The officer says, “I’m sorry to hear that, but glad you understand what you’ve done wrong. Let’s get you home safely.” As the officer turns to go back to his car, the driver shakes his head and says, “I’m afraid I can’t do that. You see, I’m the designated decoy.”
52. A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly beautiful waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit walks up to his table and asks if he’s ready to order. He looks at the menu and says, “I’ll have the rump steak please.” She says, “Are you trying to embarrass me in front of everyone?” He looks around the restaurant and says, “I don’t know about everyone but I’m going to enter you.”
53. One night a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me! Give everybody here a shot of whiskey!” Everyone inside the bar cheers, and starts lining up to receive a free shot. After a few minutes the bartender says: “That’ll be over $300, sir.” Drunk looks down at his glass in surprise. “I don’t have any money” he slurs. The room goes quiet, until someone yells out: “Come on guys, the drinks are on him!”
54. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply. The first man then asks: “Where are you from?” “I’m from Scotland,” replies the second man. The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Scotland too! Let’s have another round to Scotland.” “Of Course,” replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Scotland are you from?” “Aberdeen,” comes the reply. “I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Aberdeen too! Let’s have another drink to Aberdeen.” “Of course,” replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?” “Saint Andrews,”replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.” “This is unbelievable!,” the first man says. “I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in ’62, too!” About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender. “Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunk again.”
55. A police officer sees a drunk man intently searching the ground near a lamppost and asks him the goal of his quest. The drunk replies that he is looking for his house key. They look together for a while and when the drunk remains unsuccessful, the policeman asks where exactly the man’s house is located. The drunk looks at the policeman in confusion and says, “You know, I have no idea.” The officer sighs, pulls out his handcuffs, and arrests the drunk for public intoxication. Then he says, “Okay buddy, it’s off to the slammer.” After a few minutes in the police car, a thought occurs to the drunk and he tells the officer, “I bet I dropped it across the road.” The policeman drives back to the lamppost, lets the drunk out, and watches him search for a while longer. After this proves fruitless, the officer assumes his duty and hauls the drunk off to jail. At the station house, the officer empties the man’s pockets before searching him. There on the counter they see the house key.
56. A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.” Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?” “Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the cop. “Let’s go.” Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”
57. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”
58. At a wine merchant’s warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired army sergeant who was drunk and with ragged clothes applied for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old man tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.” That’s excellent!” said the boss. “Come, write your conclusions.” The drunkard wrote: “Muscat, three years old, north slope, steel containers, low grade but acceptable.” The director said: “You’re hired!” Another glass. “It’s a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, mature.” “Excellent!”, said the boss. “Please write your conclusions.” The drunkard wrote: “Cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, mature.” A third glass. “It’s a pinot, four years old, northern slope, high grade.” The director said proudly: “Very good! Please write your conclusions.” The drunkard wrote again: “Pinot, four years old, northern slope, high grade.” The director said: “You’re a real expert! I’d like you to taste this wine.” The drunkard sipped the wine, spat it out, and wrote: “Piss of donkey aged 5 years.”
59. After 5 shots of whiskey the Irish drunkard Murphy declared loudly: “As God is my judge, I’m going to give up drinking for the rest of the month”. The bartender replied: “Oh yeah? It’s October 25th!” Murphy slams his fist on the bar and says: “I mean it this time, don’t I have a witness? Jameson here is my witness.” He looks down the bar, sees a guy drinking, turns back
