Dog Puns
1. What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
2. Want to hear a joke about dogs? Just sit and stay.
3. What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator? A friend you can count on.
4. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
5. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
6. Why don’t dogs make good dancers? They have two left feet.
7. What do you call a dog detective? Sherlock Bones.
8. Why did the dog cross the road twice? He was trying to fetch a boomerang.
9. How does a dog stop a video? He presses the paws button.
10. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon? It had great food but no atmosphere.
11. What do you get if you cross a dog with a calculator? A friend you can count on.
12. How are a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
13. Want to hear a bad dog joke? Just sit and stay.
14. What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator? A Fermilabrador Retriever.
15. Why can’t a leashed dog impersonate a statue? Because he can’t pull off a bust.
16. Did you hear about the dog who gave the commencement speech? He had some great closing remarks.
17. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
18. What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper? Ruff!
19. Why was the Pulitizer Prize awarded to the dog? He had an impeccable pedigree!
20. What does a dog say when he enters a competition? Let the best lab win!
Dog One-Liners
21. Dog tired of these puns yet?
22. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot – it got so bad I had to take his bike away.
23. I think my dog has OCD – he won’t sit until I pet him 42 times.
24. I took my dog to the groomer and now he’s ready to tie the snot.
25. My dog loves camping – any old trail will do.
26. My dog was barking up the wrong bush until he got to the root of the problem.
27. I wanted an organic, hypoallergenic dog but couldn’t afford one so I got a mixed breed instead – he’s a mutt of my imagination.
28. My dog likes playing tug-of-war but we only have a rope of truce.
29. My dog used to chase cars, but not anymore – he finally caught one.
30. I told my dog to get off the sofa but he’s still paws-itively refusing to move.
31. My dog thinks he’s a gourmet chef when he’s cooking up a bark.
32. My dog loves listening to hip hop music – especially Snoop Doggy Dog.
33. I tried to teach my dog how to do more doggystyle but he prefers just doing his own thing.
34. My dog likes reggae music but only from Bob Mar-ley.
35. My dog only listens to hair bands like Poison and Motley Crüe – he’s totally into 80s metal.
36. My dog gets bona fido prizes whenever we play Monopoly.
37. I wanted to get my dog listening to classical music, but he kept barking for an en-K9-core.
38. Always spay and neuter your pets – donate today to the spay and neuter-fund.
Best Dog Jokes
39. A man brought his very lazy dog to the vet and said, “My dog just sleeps all day and won’t play with toys or fetch anything.” The vet checked the dog thoroughly and finally replied, “I’m sorry, but your dog is just too lazy to do exercises – my best advice is to get him a wife.” The man gets home and finds his dog overjoyed, chasing his tail and playing with all his toys. Excitedly, he grabs the phone to call the vet saying, “Doc, I can’t believe it! My dog is a totally new animal. It worked great – what was in that medicine you gave him?” The vet replies, “Oh no medicine – I just gave him a Chihuahua.”
40. A man sees a sign outside a house that says “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in and asks the owner about the talking dog. “Oh he’s a great dog – let me show you. Fido, what’s on top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Fido, who was the greatest baseball player?” “Ruth!” “What’s the opposite of smooth?” “Rough!” The man is amazed and asks if he can get the dog alone for a moment. The owner agrees and after a minute the man walks out in a rage. “Geez that dog is such a liar! I asked him who the greatest hockey player was and he said ‘Howe!'”
41. A policeman sees an old woman carrying two large sacks and asks, “Madam what are you doing?” She replies, “I’m bringing home my two dogs Fido and Rex from the vet.” The cop says, “I’m sorry but I have to give you a ticket for driving without a license.” The woman says “But officer, these are my dogs Fido and Rex!” The cop responds “Yeah, sure lady – let’s see some ID!” So the woman pulls out two dog licenses, one for Fido and one for Rex. The policeman apologizes and lets her go with a warning. Later that day, the cop pulls over another old woman carrying two large sacks from the vet. He says “Let me guess, bringing Fido and Rex home again?” She replies “No officer, today it’s Butch and Spike!”
42. At the Pearly Gates of Heaven, St. Peter was getting tired of all the dogs coming in. He decides to only let in dogs who can prove they’ve lead a distinguished life on earth. Soon a German Shepherd approaches and St. Peter asks “What have you done to deserve entering heaven?” The dog says “Well, I worked with the police and helped them track down criminals for over 10 years.” Impressed, St. Peter lets him in. Next a Labrador comes and when asked why he should get in, says “I was a service dog and helped blind people navigate and function for 12 years.” Again amazed at his service, St. Peter lets him in too. Finally a Chihuahua appears and St. Peter asks him why he should be allowed in. The Chihuahua says smugly “I peed on over 2 million fire hydrants!”
43. A man is jogging with his dog when a policeman stops him. The cop says “Sir, does your dog have a license?” The man replies “My dog doesn’t need a license – he doesn’t even know how to drive!”
44. A man goes to a job interview. The interviewer asks him “Are you energetic? Hardworking? Loyal?” The man replies “Absolutely – my last job was as a dog walker.”
45. On the first night after bringing his new puppy home, a man tells the puppy “Now this is your first night home, so no rough housing or chewing anything – just go lie down and be good.” A few moments later, the man hears tearing noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes in and sees the puppy chewing and tearing up the bed. “Hey! I just told you to be good!” The puppy looks up innocently, “But this is fun!” The man scolds him again and leaves the room. After a few minutes, he returns to see the puppy chewing up a shoe. Furious, the man yells “What did I JUST tell you? Be a good boy!” The puppy again looks up innocently, “But this is fun too!” Trying to stay calm, the man leaves again. After a few minutes, he hears more tearing noises from the living room. There he finds the puppy ripping up and chewing the couch. Finally the man screams “FOR THE LAST TIME – NO MORE CHEWING THINGS!” Again the puppy stares up and says, “Sir, you keep forgetting I’m just a puppy. I need to chew.” The man smacks himself on the head and says, “Good point – I totally forgot you’re teething!”
46. A man sees a flyer that says “Talking Dog for Sale – $10.” He rings the bell and the owner opens up. The guy asks to see the dog. The owner whistles and calls “Rex, come here boy!” and a dog comes trotting obediently. The man is shocked and asks “So he really talks?” The owner says “Of course! Hey Rex, what’s on top of a house?” Rex barks “Roof!” The man says “Wow that’s amazing! How about I give you $20 for him?” The owner says “Sure!” and hands over the leash. The man happily walks away with the dog in tow. After a few blocks he turns to the dog and says “Okay Rex, tell me – what’s on the top of a house?” Rex just tilts his head and remains silent. The man repeats “Come on, what’s on top of a house?” Still no response. Frustrated the man says “Hey! I just paid $20 for a talking dog but you can’t even talk!” Rex thinks for a moment and finally says “Hey look buddy, I was just trying to help the guy sell you!”
47. A dog owner was bragging about how smart his dogs were. He boasted that his first dog could do math calculations. “What’s 2 plus 2 boy?” The dog barked 4 times. Next he asked, “What’s 4 plus 4?” and the dog barked 8 times. His friend was impressed but said he thought his dogs were smarter. The second man called his dog and commanded: “What is 15 plus 7 boy?” His dog barked 10 times. He then asked “What is 25 plus 9?” and the dog barked 14 times. Now it was the first owner’s turn to be impressed. He called his dog again and said “Alright boy, what is 87 minus 35?” The dog just tilted his head quizzically and remained silent. The first owner got angry and said “Come on, you did it before – what’s 87 minus 35?” The dog thought and finally barked 11 times. The first owner turned to his friend and said “Ha, see, I told you he could do math!” His friend just laughed and said “That’s nothing, ask your dog this last question: What is the square root of 1024?” The owner said “Okay boy, come on now, what’s the square root of 1024?” The dog started pawing at the ground, barking repeatedly, jumping up and down excitedly. The owner excitedly said “Look at that! My dog knows square roots!” The friend laughed and said “Your dog doesn’t know math, he just has to pee!”
48. On his first day working at a pizza shop, the owner gives the new trainee a mop and says “Here, the floors need cleaning.” 30 minutes later the owner comes back and sees the trainee in the same spot mopping furiously. “Just what are you doing?” asks the owner. “Well, you said to mop the floors so I’ve been mopping and mopping but the dirt just isn’t going away!” the trainee replies. The owner slaps his forehead and says “Oh no, I forgot – this is a new mop!”
49. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
50. I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
51. Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans.
52. Whatconcert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
53. Why can’t a bicycle stand up on its own? It’s two-tired.
54. How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
55. Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
56. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt badly – it was just a soft drink.
57. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!
58. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.
59. How do you throw a space party? You planet.
60. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
61. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
62. Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu – you get what you deserve.
63. A man woke up one morning in Alabama and couldn’t find his socks. So he called the Tuscaloosa.
64. Why do frogs rarely donate to charity? They’re always a little tadpole.
65. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.
66. Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
67. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
68. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
69. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
70. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.
71. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
72. I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!
73. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
74. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
75. Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
76. I’m reading a book on the history of glue. It’s hard to put down.
77. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
78. I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
