What do you call a doctor who fixes websites? A URLologist.
Why did the doctor get angry? He lost his patients.
How does a doctor stay calm during surgery? They have nerves of steel.
My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
What do you call a doctor who loves technology? A cybermedic.
I asked my doctor, “How long do I have to live?” He said, “Ten.” Me: “Ten what? Months? Years?” Doctor: “Nine…”
What do you call a doctor who fixes toy cars? A pediatrician.
Why do doctors make the best criminals? They have experience covering their tracks.
What do you call a doctor who is always looking on the bright side? An optimist.
My psychologist told me I was crazy. I told him, “If I want a second opinion, I’ll ask you.”
Doctor One-Liners
My doctor says I have a deviated septum. But it’s OK, my other septum is fine.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
I was feeling sick, so I went to the doctor’s office. Turns out it was just a coincidence.
Doctor, doctor! I feel like an igloo! Sit down, you’re in a state of eskimo-tional distress.
Doctor, I think I need glasses. You definitely need glasses. This is a bakery.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” Patient: “Why?” Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Doctor: “Sir, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” Patient: “Why?” Doctor: “So I can finish the exam.”
Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.” Patient: “Give me the bad news first.” Doctor: “You have cancer.” Patient: “What’s the very bad news?” Doctor: “You have Alzheimer’s.”
My therapist told me I have a preoccupation with revenge. We’ll see about that.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’re color blind.” Patient: “Wow, that diagnosis really came out of the purple!.”
Best Doctor Jokes
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.” The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” The man pokes his cheek and says, “Ouch!” Then he pokes his leg and says, “Ouch!” He pokes his earlobe and screams, “Ouch!” The doctor says, “You’re not really a patient. You’re just trying to get me to poke myself.”
A doctor tells his patient, “I have bad news and worse news.” The patient replies, “OK, give me the bad news first.” The doctor says, “You have 24 hours to live.” The patient is shocked. “What could be worse than that?!” The doctor grimaces and says, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
A doctor tells his patient: “I have good and bad news. The medicine for your illness costs $500 a bottle.” The patient asks, “What’s the good news?” The doctor replies: “The good news is, you get to take two bottles a day.”
A doctor is addressing a patient who just regained consciousness after passing out. The doctor says, “Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the test results indicate you have 24 hours to live.” “What could possibly be worse than that?!” exclaims the patient. The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
A woman says to her doctor, “My husband thinks he’s a chicken.” The doctor says, “How long has this been going on?” The woman replies, “About a year now.” The doctor asks, “And how is that a problem?” The woman says, “We really need the eggs.”
A man goes to the eye doctor for an examination. The doctor holds up a card and asks, “Can you read this for me?” The man squints and says, “I can’t read anything without my glasses.” The doctor responds, “You’ve come to the right place then, this card says ‘optometrist’.”
A 3 year old boy was examining his testicles in the bath and asked his mother, “Are these my brains?” His mother replied, “Not yet.”
A doctor tells his patient, “I have bad news and worse news.” The patient replies, “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.” The doctor says, “They mixed up your blood test results with another patient’s. You have only 24 hours to live.” The man gasps and says, “What’s the worse news?!” The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, whatever I touch hurts!” The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” The man pokes himself in the knee and yelps, then pokes his nose and shouts, the doctor says, “I think you’re just seeking some attention.”
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a serious problem. I can’t stop singing ‘What’s New Pussycat?'” The doctor says, “Hmm, that sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” The man says, “Is it common?” The doctor replies, “It’s not unusual.”
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I’m shrinking!” The doctor replies, “Well, you’ll just have to be a little patient.”
A doctor tells his patient, “I have bad news and very bad news.” The patient replies, “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.” The doctor says, “They mixed up your blood work with another patient’s. You have only 24 hours to live.” The man gasps and says, “What’s the very bad news?!” The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” Patient: “Why?” Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.” The doctor asks him what he means. The man pokes his own cheek and screams. Then he pokes his leg and shouts. He continues demonstrating by poking his nose, ear, and stomach with loud yelps of pain each time. The doctor says, “You’re not really a patient, you’re just trying to get me to hurt myself too.”
A man tells his doctor: “Doc, I think I’m a deck of cards.” The doctor replies, “Go sit in the waiting room, I’ll deal with you later.”
A patient told his doctor he was having trouble with his love life. “Whenever I kiss my wife, she closes her eyes and shakes with emotion,” the man said sadly. “That’s completely normal,” replied the doctor. “Her eyes are closed to block out the sight of you and the shaking is her trying not to laugh.”
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” Patient: “But why?” Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.” Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!” Doctor: “Nine.”
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch on my body it hurts!” The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” So the man pokes himself on the knee and shouts in pain, then pokes his elbow and yells out again. He keeps doing this, poking parts of his body and screaming each time. The doctor says, “You’re not really a patient, are you? You’re just trying to get me to injure myself now too.”
A doctor tells a man he is going to die very soon. The man says, “Can I get a second opinion?” The doctor replies, “Alright, you’re ugly too.”
A doctor tells a woman she only has six months to live. She asks if there is anything she can do. The doctor says, “Marry me.” “Will that make me live longer?” asks the woman. “No,” says the doctor, “but it will be the longest six months of your life.”
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” Man: “Why?” Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything for 24 hours. So she spends the entire day in the waiting room.
A man goes to the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch on my body it hurts!” To demonstrate, he touches his elbow and screams in agony. Then he touches his knee and yells out in pain. He pokes his stomach, his neck, his ears – each time crying out in excruciating pain. The doctor says, “You’re not really a patient are you? You’re just trying to get me to hurt myself too.”
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” Man: “But why?” Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
A doctor tells a man, “I have some bad news. You have Alzheimer’s disease and you have only 6 months left to live.” The man replies, “Oh no, was it cancer? How long did you say I have to live, doc?” The doctor answers, “Six months.” The man smiles and says, “Phew, I thought you said I had cancer. So what’s my prognosis, doc?”
A doctor tells his patient, “I have some bad news and some very bad news.” The patient says, “Well, give me the bad news first.” The doctor says, “You only have 24 hours to live.” The patient is shocked. “How can any news be worse than that?!” The doctor says sadly, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!” To demonstrate, he touches his elbow and screams, then touches his knee and shouts, then pokes his ear and yells. The doctor says, “You’re not really a patient, are you? You’re just trying to get me to hurt myself too.”
A doctor tells a man he has a fatal heart condition and only 6 months left to live. The man is shocked and asks if there is anything he can do. The doctor advises getting married, selling all assets, and blowing the money on a wild around-the-world trip. The man asks, “Will this cure my heart condition?” The doctor replies, “No, but it will make the 6 months seem like forever.”
A doctor tells a man, “I have some bad news. You only have a day to live.” The man says, “Well that is bad news. Can I get a second opinion?” The doctor says, “Okay, you’re ugly too.”
A doctor tells a woman she has a fatal disease and only 6 weeks left to live. She is shocked and asks if there is anything she can do. The doctor advises getting married right away and spending the money for a nice honeymoon. The woman asks, “Will that cure me?” The doctor replies, “No, but it will be the longest 6 weeks you’ll ever live.”
A doctor tells a man, “I have some bad news. You have a fatal condition and only 6 months to live.” The man is shocked and asks, “What should I do, doctor?” The doctor says, “My advice is to marry a woman with a terrible memory.” The man asks, “Will that help me live longer?” The doctor replies, “No, but it will feel like forever.”
A doctor tells his patient, “I have bad news and very bad news for you.” The patient says, “Well give me the bad news first doc.” The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” The patient is shocked and says, “24 hours?! How can any news be worse than that?!” The doctor frowns and says, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Doctor: “I’m afraid I have some bad news. You have a rare terminal illness and only 10 more to live.” Patient: “10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!” Doctor: “9…”
A doctor tells his patient, “I have some good news and some bad news.” The patient says, “Give me the good news first doc.” The doctor replies, “They are naming a disease after you!” The patient says, “Oh no, that’s terrible news! What’s the bad news?” The doctor frowns and says, “You have it.”
A man tells his doctor, “I think I’m shrinking.” The doctor calmly responds, “You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch on my body it hurts!” To demonstrate, he taps his elbow and screams, pokes his knee and shouts, and pinches his stomach and yells. The doctor says, “You’re clearly not an actual patient, you just want me to hurt myself too.”
A doctor tells a man, “I have bad news. You only have a day to live.” The man says, “Can I get a second
