Diamond Puns (10)
- What do you call a fake diamond? A sham rock.
- Want to hear a joke about diamonds? It might be a little rough around the edges.
- Did you hear about the diamond that went to jail? It was convicted of carbon crimes.
- My friend got depressed after losing his diamond business. He just needs to get over his gem-induced gloom.
- The diamond had self-esteem issues because it thought it was worthless. Talk about a gem crisis!
- Getting a big diamond engagement ring doesn’t mean your relationship is flawless.
- Diamonds may be a girl’s best friend, but dogs are a man’s best friend. I guess it’s a friendship rivalry!
- I was going to tell a joke about diamonds, but I realized the stakes were too high.
- Want to hear a joke about diamond rings? The punchline is a real gem!
- Diamonds are so sparkly because they’re always looking for compliments.
Diamond One-Liners (10)
- I bought my wife a huge diamond ring. She called it “a great big rock.” I think our relationship is on the rocks.
- I was going to tell a joke about diamonds, but it wasn’t very clear.
- My friend thinks diamonds grow on trees. He’s a real gem.
- Diamonds – make great jewelry and even better drill bits.
- Lost in a diamond mine? Just follow your heart.
- Diamonds really are forever – especially when swallowed.
- Tried selling diamonds on eBay but got lowballed. Guess my price was too much of a rock bottom.
- Diamonds may be a girl’s best friend, but diamonds are a dentist’s worst enemy.
- Wanted to make diamond jewelry but didn’t have the funds. My dreams were crushed, just like diamonds.
- Got engaged with a huge diamond ring. My fiancée called off the wedding. Guess it was too much pressure.
Best Diamond Jokes (17)
1. A man decided to propose to his girlfriend and went to a jewelry store to buy a ring. “Do you have any nice diamond rings?” he asked the jeweler. The jeweler showed him a tray with a bunch of sparkling diamond rings of all sizes.
“These are all excellent quality. Take your pick,” said the jeweler. The man looked carefully at each ring, inspecting them closely. “I don’t know…” he murmured. After almost 20 minutes of inspecting, he finally turned to the jeweler and said, “They all look fake to me.”
2. On a field trip to a natural history museum, Ms. Smith was explaining to the class how diamonds are formed from carbon that gets compressed underground over millions of years. One of the students raised their hand and asked “If diamonds are made from compressed carbon, could we make them in school by squeezing pencils really hard?”
3. Susan excitedly called her boyfriend David and said “I just got back from my trip to the museum and they had an amazing diamond exhibit. There was a huge 6 carat diamond worth millions! Isn’t that so fascinating?” David replied saying “Yeah that’s really cool.” Susan said “I know! It was so huge and beautiful…” David interrupted and joked “Well, if you really want one that badly, you can just tape a bunch of tiny rhinestones together and pretend it’s a giant diamond.”
4. Did you hear about the robbery last night at the diamond exhibition? The thieves made off with over $5 million worth of diamonds! Police are looking into it, but they don’t have any strong leads yet. Apparently the security cameras all around the exhibition captured nothing but flawless footage.
5. A woman was stranded on a deserted island with nothing but some rope, cans of food, water, and a chisel. She subsisted on the limited rations, hoping to be rescued. One day, she was exploring the island when she tripped on something in the sand. She dug it out and discovered the largest diamond she had ever seen! She looked to heavens and exclaimed “Dear God, I’m so rich…but what do I need money for here on this island?”
6. Did you hear about the man who bought a huge diamond ring for his wife, but she didn’t seem that excited to receive it? As she opened the ring box, she just stared at the diamond for a while and then said “Hmm, nice rock.” The husband was a bit disappointed by her reaction. He had hoped she would be overjoyed and tearful when receiving such an extravagant gift. I guess diamonds aren’t always a wife’s best friend!
7. Why did the diamond robber go to jail? Because he stole someone’s jewel!
8. Bob: I’m looking to buy a diamond necklace for my wife. Do you have any suggestions?
Jeweler: Yes, I would recommend this lovely 2 carat diamond necklace. The quality of the diamonds is exceptional.
Bob: They look nice, but I really want something that will make her eyes pop when she sees it! What’s the biggest diamond you have?
Jeweler: Well, we do have this 10 carat diamond necklace. But I’m afraid the price is $250,000.
Bob: Wow, that’s way out of my budget! I better stick with the smaller diamonds.
9. I asked the jeweler to engrave a romantic message on my fiancée’s diamond engagement ring. Apparently “Diamonds are forev…very expensive, so don’t expect a big ring next anniversary” didn’t fit.
10. Why was the jewel thief disappointed after his big diamond heist? He made off with a bag full of rhinestones instead of real diamonds. Apparently his fence gave him some bum info and the jeweler had replaced the real jewels with fakes!
11. Did you hear about the guy who bought a $10,000 diamond ring for his girlfriend, only for her to dump him a week later? He really took a hit to his gem account on that one.
12. I dreamed I was the most famous diamond thief in the world. I guess you could call me a jewel heister.
13. Why don’t oysters give pearls to diamonds? Because diamonds are too shellfish!
14. What did the jeweler say to comfort the man who was robbed of his diamond ring? Don’t worry sir, these things are always hardest for the gem owners.
15. Why did the diamond give up its dream of being a comedian? Because its routines were too rough!
16. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Diamonds for your girlfriend, hopefully!
17. I was going to tell a joke about a precious gemstone, but diamond skipped out on the punchline.